An MSN conversation has resulted in this great new thread! Mr. Festive says: you told me to phone in sick Sister Ella says: i think you should Mr. Festive says: yeah Mr. Festive says: i will Mr. Festive says: thanks for making up my mind Sister Ella says: heh Sister Ella says: anytime Mr. Festive says: ASK ELLA! Sister Ella says: SHE KNOWS ALL! Mr. Festive says: a possible thread! So, here it is! Do you have a query that needs answered? Do you have a sticky problem you need solved? Do you want a straight talking no nonsense solution to a problem? Then ask Ella! The stupider the question, the better!
Dear Orrdos of Scotland, Your question is a tricky one. If Aliens nicked the moon, our oceans and seas would flop around randomly with no order! And millions of innocent beach visitors would be disappointed and/or killed. We'd have no light at night. Imagine it being dark at night. Doom. The aliens would probably see our planet when hooking the Moon up to their alien tow truck, and make a note to come back one day to steal the Earth as well. If they have any taste, that is. The Earth is very pretty from space. Gravity would be affected in weird and wacky ways. It could be fun, so don't worry too much about it. Although, these aliens would have to be pretty big to be able to steal the Moon, and therefore may end up totally trashing the whole galaxy. But you wont live long enough to notice. Ease your mind.
[quote:223be12d08="Hsing"]An.. ish aclohol the answer, or does it only help you gorfet the quetzion?[/quote:223be12d08] Dear Hsing of Germany, Alcohol is one of the answers to the question "What begins with A?" Does that answer your question? I can't remember it.
Dear Ben of England, I sense that you want this infomation for yourself, not for "Holly". Katcal is right. For 69p, the only way you can possibly change your gender is the purchase of a cheap fake moustache. In the case of males, 69p will buy you two large oranges which can be used to simulate the appearance of breasts. However, they wont be very lifelike. The item in the link will not work on humans, no matter where you plug it.
Dear Ella, In the summer of 1974, in Langley, Virginia, just outside Washington, DC, a handful of CIA officers venture to the edge of espionage, launching the first documented psychic spying mission in U.S. history. So is there real potential for parapsychology in intelligence operations? And why was this method of espionage eventually scrapped? Are you psychic, and if you are, would you be interested in working with the CIA? Thanks, Confused In America.
[quote:a5b185e9d4="Rincewind"]Who was the first person to drink cow milk?[/quote:a5b185e9d4] Do you call a baby cow a person ?
dearest Ella, Who was the first person to see a chicken lay an egg and think "hmn, that looks tasty" regards Shadowgirl
Dear Rincewind of England, The name of the first man to drink milk was Charlie. However, he changed his name to something else to hide his identity when people had realised what exactly he had done. Nobody believed him when he said it was the result of a lucky accident involving a banana skin and an upsidedown cow. Poor Charlie thought people would be pleased to hear about this delicious new drink. Sadly, people just threw rocks at him. Happily, we eventually came round to the idea when 'calcium' was mentioned. Dear C.I.A of South Park, Parapsychology [i:009208ddd5]is[/i:009208ddd5] used in intelligence operations. The CIA deliver top secret infomation via telepathic waves to people of importance all over the globe; people like God, and Santa. It is kept quiet. But bear in mind that there may be someone out there who knows what you're thinking RIGHT NOW!! Like, me. I'm shocked and disgusted, by the way. Dear Hermia of a windy part of England, I know a Claire, and a couple of Clares. None of them used to be in the Army, although it appears one of them is secretly a member of the CIA. However, I do have a cousin named Sven, and a French barber named Dominique. Dear Shadowgirl of Somewhere, The first person to see a chicken lay an egg and think "hmn, that looks tasty" was a bit of a weirdo. I mean, you'd have to be, wouldn't you. It just came out a birds behind! Here is his head, preserved for all to see. See? Strange chap.
Dearella[color=olive:6b4a5f7d3f]*[/color:6b4a5f7d3f] How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him an antidisestablishmentarialist? E_M P.S. Are you aware this[color=olive:6b4a5f7d3f]*[/color:6b4a5f7d3f] sounds like a combo of dieseases? Did you choose your name accordingly?
Dear wise and wonderful Ella How can i stop my husband snoring (i did think an alternate sleep universe was the answer but no one seems to know where that is) Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read this Whiplash of (urgh) coventry
Dear Ella, Why is it impossible to go to a shopping centre without spending money? Also; why do all my savings disappear whenever I go near a record store?
Off topic slightly but there is text service called Q&A which will answer any question you ask it. It's great I think god is on the other end. Anyway, after trying to trick it into wrongness via tough sciency questions we asked: What would happen if Nazi Aliens stole christmas. It replied Q&A believes that if nazi aliens stole christmas america would wage war on the galaxy but santa would be able to broker a deal. Classic!
Dear Ella, My boyfriend stole my goldfish and is threatening to eat it alive if I don't give him my left sock. Trouble is, all my left socks were all stollen by the sock monster moments later...what should I do?
Dear E_M, Well, that depends on the length of road, the pace, the weight of the man, the temperature, the time of day, the location, the colour of the mans clothing, whether he has any onions about his person, and his name. However, I’d give a general guess at… 9, 274. By then, though, it’d be more accurate to call him ‘Dead’. Also, to answer your second question, I did not choose my name for that reason. I actually had little say in my naming; my parents decided not to take my opinion into consideration during that particular voting process. Despite the hideously undemocratic nature of this method, it is advisable, lest you grow into an adult with a babyspeak name. Just ask Ba, or, to give him his full name, Babagaga. Dear Koshu of South Africa, Your niece is probably biting you because you taste nice. Try washing in turpentine, or a shower gel made of mouldy meat juices. It should stop her biting. (There may be a few side effects though.) Alternatively, your niece may actually be a tiger, crocodile or shark. Love can blind you to these things. If this is the case, I suggest you release her back into the wild before she grows big enough to maul you to death. And do not, I repeat, do NOT, use the meat shower gel unless you’re sure this isn’t the case. Dear Miss Whiplash of Coventry, You can get these plaster things to stick over your husbands nose, which are supposed to stop the snoring. However, I find they don’t work unless they’re stuck on really, [i:39390296f1]really[/i:39390296f1] tight. Use about 50. Make sure you cover the nostrils completely. Stick a good few over the mouth as well, make sure you don’t leave any airholes. Leave them there for a few hours. Trust me, he’ll never snore again.
Dear Andalusian of Oz. Why would you go into a shopping centre if you didn't want to spend any money? It's not theoretically impossible to go in a shopping centre and not spend money, unless it charges you for entry. However, it would be a bit pointless. As for record stores, they have this devilish system where they will give you music in exchange for money. It's music prostitution. Dear Fairyliquid of possibly the kitchen sink, You should not give in to his demands! Let him eat your goldfish. The pain of loss will be eased by the amusement you will derive from seeing your boyfriend fall into a goldfish induced coma. Alternatively, write "LEFT" on one of your right socks, and give it to him. Then force feed him his own pet cat.
I thank thee o wise and knowledgable ella I shall try out thy sugestions and i shall try not to be blinded by love for the evil biting machine Thank u :lol:
Dearest Ella; A shop near my home is selling a product called "Diet Rice Cakes" What is in rice cakes that can be removed to make them "diet"? Regards, Innkeeper
Dear Ella (oh goddess of all that is clever) rayer: My dog has started ripping all the eyes and noses off his toys! this is a new thing for him as he usually carries the fluffy toys round like babies and loves and cares for them! What could have caused this change in behaviour and what can i do to stop it. Your faithful servant Whiplash of Coventry
[quote:c84758dd07="Innkeeper"]Dearest Ella; A shop near my home is selling a product called "Diet Rice Cakes" What is in rice cakes that can be removed to make them "diet"? Regards, Innkeeper[/quote:c84758dd07] Ooooh, I know this one ! Rice. Well yes, Rice is a carb, and therfore terribly fattening, which is why Diet rice cakes are made of low-salt polystyrene balls.
Dear Ella can magic mushroom man walking into walls withoout screaming "i'llaveapintnahalfothatsnail"? this question has been bugging me for some time, please help your humble question asker Simon
Well, I forgot about this. >dons Answering Hat< Dear Innkeeper. Nothing is [i:e6ad7c64e1]removed[/i:e6ad7c64e1] from rice cakes to make them diet. In actual fact, something is [i:e6ad7c64e1]added.[/i:e6ad7c64e1] Rice! Without rice, they'd just be cakes, which we all know are fattening. By simply adding rice to them, they become a diet food. But! 'Diet Rice Cakes' are simply rice cakes with the rice removed. Therefore, they're MORE FATTENING than normal rice cakes. This is a ploy to get people to eat more of them. You gain weight, so you eat more diet rice cakes to try and lose it. It's devilish! Dear Miss Whiplash. Your dog is obviously going through a hormonal phase similar to that of the human adolesence. Remember how we, as children, used to cherish and protect our dolls and teddys? Then, suddenly, we were overcome with the urge to cut their hair and paint their faces with black nail varnish? To stop it, I suggest replacing all his toys with cunningly disguised grenades. It will be a lesson once learned, never forgotten. Dear Rinso. Weasels can't talk. If you think you've seen a talking weasel around recently, it was probably a lesser-spotted talking mongoose, or a sub-genus of the species known as [i:e6ad7c64e1]electricus bennus.[/i:e6ad7c64e1] If you spot another one, DO NOT APPROACH; one of them has a highly lethal poisonous bite, and the other has been known to torture its victims with a constant stream of terrible jokes. Dear Simon. Are you sure you didn't, ahem, accidently ingest the magic mushroom man? You see, you can't get a pint and a half of a snail, unless you liquidised several snails, which I DO NOT RECOMMEND. Poor things. Anyway, to answer your question: Maybe when the moon is waning, and the purple gloves tap the maple leaf rag on the monkeys piano. (Eat another magic mushroom man, and that answer will make perfect sense.)
Do you have a replacement ingredient for my halfapintosnail if snail is not appropriate? Your humble question asker, Simon
Dear Ella, there is a dead toad on my balcony. I called it Flop. He/She* is begining to decay and it is really not very nice. What should I do with poor Flop? Sincerely, Bereaved Frog-lover *I'm not at any point going to check out which
Oh well if people go on about a toad, then call it Flop and sign "bereaved frog lover" how am I supposed to [b:9fbf3c5178]not [/b:9fbf3c5178]get confused, eh ?
Dear Simon, Yes. Guinness. Minimal snail content, and plenty of nutricious iron. Dear Bereaved Frog Lover, You have several options. You can, as has been suggested by the infinitely helpful Katcal, blend Flop into a smooth paste, which is useful for a number of medical ailments. Warts, for example, will dissappear with a few dabs. The paste will also make a good foundation for those with a greener skintone than most. Alternatively, dice the toad into 1cm cubes, pan fry for a couple of minutes, and serve in a stew. Use lots of garlic to overcome the decaying taste. Or you could just give the poor thing a decent send off with a tasteful funeral. Use a shoebox as a coffin.
[quote:8b3be1fbab="koshu"] P.s Cant spell to save my life :lol:[/quote:8b3be1fbab] I can help you there. T-O-space-S-A-V-E-space-M-Y-space-L-I-F-E.
[quote:0a4d7ee8b5="Hermia"][quote:0a4d7ee8b5="koshu"] P.s Cant spell to save my life :lol:[/quote:0a4d7ee8b5] I can help you there. T-O-space-S-A-V-E-space-M-Y-space-L-I-F-E.[/quote:0a4d7ee8b5] thanks a lot for that i shall remember it for all time now
[quote:767a6a2564="Sir_Gawain"]LOL :lol: How long ago did koshu write that, honey?[/quote:767a6a2564] that was when i was still in england, feels like ages ago. haha p.s i found a cure that wasn't on the list of advice wait for it...... Run away to a diffrent country
Dear Ella, When someone likes to steal your hat, make you play pool, and says you're a vampire, what do you do? ~Confounded in Babylon
Dear Ella, How can I imrove my English Grammar? And why did I break 3(!) keys this year, all in the front door, and why did I run through five pairs of shoes in twelve months? How can it be, and how can it be avoided?
Practice, of course, Hsing, and thou shalt become perfect! And I can't do that, Gawain. The stuff tastes yukky and it's hard even to bite apples with these braces.
[quote:605db9d2aa="Sir_Gawain"]LOL :lol: How long ago did koshu write that, honey?[/quote:605db9d2aa] :doubt: Sorry! I have a life, you know, it takes me a while to catch up on what's been said by all you lot who post 683 (approximately) messages a day!
