I stumbled upon a site where books are "ultra-condensed" by random people. For e.g., _________________________________________________________ [b:492780e3ad]2001: A Space Odyssey By Arthur C. Clarke Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard [/b:492780e3ad] [b:492780e3ad]HAL[/b:492780e3ad] I'm evil. (kills astronauts) [b:492780e3ad]Dave Bowman[/b:492780e3ad] I must shut you down now, HAL. [b:492780e3ad]HAL[/b:492780e3ad] Daisy, Daisy... [b:492780e3ad]Dave Bowman[/b:492780e3ad] Now I must finish this mission alone. (STRANGE THINGS happen, and they MAKE SENSE.) [b:492780e3ad]Reader[/b:492780e3ad] Wow. I understand the movie now[b:492780e3ad][/b:492780e3ad] _________________________________________________________ How about us trying to do the same? It could be fun to read Edit: Let's make this a contest. First book up for ultra-condensation is "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone". Funniest entry wins $100*. Not really.
Good plan! Sort of a "Reduced Pratchett" concept? Below is an example from another site. There are many more there! http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/b/pratchett.colour.shtml
I could go to the site where they are (I've been there before) and copy-paste, but I'll make up my own: [b:d80add0392]Hagrid:[/b:d80add0392] You're a wizard, Harry [b:d80add0392]Harry:[/b:d80add0392] Oooh [b:d80add0392]McGonnagal:[/b:d80add0392] You're good at Quidditch, Harry [b:d80add0392]Harry:[/b:d80add0392] Oooh [b:d80add0392]Voldemort:[/b:d80add0392] I killed your parents, Harry [b:d80add0392]Harry:[/b:d80add0392] Arrgh! [i:d80add0392]Harry repels Voldemort by [b:d80add0392]touching[/b:d80add0392] him[/i:d80add0392] [b:d80add0392]Dumbledore:[/b:d80add0392] You're blessed by love, Harry [b:d80add0392]Harry:[/b:d80add0392] Oooh
[quote:5b632797ff="Electric_Man"]I could go to the site where they are (I've been there before) and copy-paste, but I'll make up my own: [b:5b632797ff]Hagrid:[/b:5b632797ff] You're a wizard, Harry [b:5b632797ff]Harry:[/b:5b632797ff] Oooh [b:5b632797ff]McGonnagal:[/b:5b632797ff] You're good at Quidditch, Harry [b:5b632797ff]Harry:[/b:5b632797ff] Oooh [b:5b632797ff]Voldemort:[/b:5b632797ff] I killed your parents, Harry [b:5b632797ff]Harry:[/b:5b632797ff] Arrgh! [i:5b632797ff]Harry repels Voldemort by [b:5b632797ff]touching[/b:5b632797ff] him[/i:5b632797ff] [b:5b632797ff]Dumbledore:[/b:5b632797ff] You're blessed by love, Harry [b:5b632797ff]Harry:[/b:5b632797ff] Oooh[/quote:5b632797ff] That summary is perfect!
I'm laughing too much at Ben's stunningly accurate HP summary to write one of my own right now. We did something similar ages ago on the old site, when we tried to summarise Discworld books in the mini-saga format; that is, using exactly fifty words, no more and no less. This was my effort for Feet of Clay: [quote:e830c4a156]Here is Feet of Clay in 50 words. It reads a bit like a riddle, because I went for a more lyrical style, assuming most of you would have read it, and not wanting to give the game away for those who haven't. Oh, and 'Adams' is a reference to the fact that the name Adam means 'man of clay', and to the Jewish mythology behind the golems. But, without further ado, [i:e830c4a156]Buzzfloyd Self-Righteous Theatre[/i:e830c4a156] presents: Feet of Clay. People die, godless Adams are bought and sold, Regicides aren’t allowed heraldry. Colon nearly buys the farm, a wee madman catches dead rats, the whole city becomes a slaughterhouse district. Trolls fight drugs, three kings don’t want to be, Stoneface burns a Dragon’s horde when he finally sees the light.[/quote:e830c4a156]
Ah, it's nice to be appreciated. Any other books you want me to summarise? Grace, your summary of FOC is perfect but I imagine it would be mightily confusing for anyone who hasn't read the book.
[quote:e5c2620f8d="Rincewind"]The Bible.[/quote:e5c2620f8d] God speaks - everything starts. God speaks some more. God speaks again. Jesus speaks. Jesus speaks again then dies. God speaks one more time - everything ends. Readers argue over the meaning.
Wow, that is good. (The Bible one) Since I've not read any Harry Potter I can't rightly say, but your summery did have me laughing. Good on ya Ben.
The brilliance on the previous efforts has inspired me... But I think I lack the brilliance... [b:30cd58a9f6]The Lord of the Rings[/b:30cd58a9f6] There is a ring A group of weirdies set off to destroy ring Fight scene The most psuedo-homosexual male pair go alone to destroy ring Rest of the weirdies have a fight scene Fight scene Fight scene again Spider fight scene Really huge fight scene One homo forces the other homo to chuck the ring in lava (the first homo being really attached to jewellery darling) Happily ever after [b:30cd58a9f6]Except for:[/b:30cd58a9f6] Going home Fight scene Sailing off into sun set I make no pretences of accuracy or intelligence
[quote:f2529c666c="spiky"]The brilliance on the previous efforts has inspired me... But I think I lack the brilliance... [b:f2529c666c]The Lord of the Rings[/b:f2529c666c] There is a ring A group of weirdies set off to destroy ring Fight scene The most psuedo-homosexual male pair go alone to destroy ring Rest of the weirdies have a fight scene Fight scene Fight scene again Spider fight scene Really huge fight scene One homo forces the other homo to chuck the ring in lava (the first homo being really attached to jewellery darling) Happily ever after [b:f2529c666c]Except for:[/b:f2529c666c] Going home Fight scene Sailing off into sun set I make no pretences of accuracy or intelligence[/quote:f2529c666c] I'm just glad somebody else also noticed the whole homo-erotism thing going here...I thought I was maybe seeing things that wasn't really there
[quote:3140c4f84d="Cynth"] I'm just glad somebody else also noticed the whole homo-erotism thing going here...I thought I was maybe seeing things that wasn't really there[/quote:3140c4f84d] Hey, you keep waiting for them to kiss each other
Eish man... (Eish meaning some in the line of damn - word from one of our native languages) I thought it was just me...
Since the thread seems to be abandoning the contest, so be it. The Hobbit. [b:fc1cb0ed12]Gandalf[/b:fc1cb0ed12]: This is Bilbo, dwarves. [b:fc1cb0ed12]Dwarves [/b:fc1cb0ed12](chorus): Hello Bilbo. [b:fc1cb0ed12]Bilbo[/b:fc1cb0ed12]: Hello dwarves. Have some pie. [b:fc1cb0ed12]Dwarves[/b:fc1cb0ed12]: Let's go thieving. [b:fc1cb0ed12]Bilbo[/b:fc1cb0ed12]: Ok. *steals ring* *steals goblet* *Dragon fire reigns on innocents* *Dragon conveniently killed by unknown* *goes home* Moral of the story: Thieves prosper.
[b:2660101c4f]Pride and Prejudice[/b:2660101c4f] Charles and Jane: We are in love all through the book and get betrothed in front of a fireplace Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth: We are off to a bad start but we admit love while walking on hills Rest of the cast: We are here just to display the social classes in Jane Austen's time.
Inspired by my previous efforts, I'm going to try and summarise the whole of the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings as a complete entity: [b:7d90e2fec2]Gollum:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Bilbo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]steals[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Bilbo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Gandalf:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]steals and gives to Frodo[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Frodo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Nazgul:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]try to steal - become incorporeal[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Frodo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Boromir:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]tries to steal - dies[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Frodo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Gollum:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]tries to steal - gets put on a leash[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Frodo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ri... [i:7d90e2fec2]gets knocked unconcious[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Sam:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]steals[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Frodo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Sam:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]capitulates[/i:7d90e2fec2] [b:7d90e2fec2]Frodo:[/b:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [b:7d90e2fec2]Gollum:[/b:7d90e2fec2] [i:7d90e2fec2]steals[/i:7d90e2fec2] MY ring! [i:7d90e2fec2]melts with ring[/i:7d90e2fec2]
[b:e224882b8a]MORT[/b:e224882b8a] DEATH: DO YOU WANT TO WORK FOR ME? Mort: Yes. DEATH: MEET MY DAUGHTER. Mort: I like her, but I don't. DEATH: DO SOME WORK FOR ME, BECAUSE I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS. Mort: OK. (Mort, almost, destroys existence, while playing the Grim Reaper) Mort: I have made mistake, will you kill me? DEATH: NO, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU MY DAUGHTER TO BE YOUR WIFE, AND MORE TIME TO LIVE. Mort: Oh, all right.
The Da Vinci Code. Obviously heaving with spoilers. [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Sauniere:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] Shit, I've been shot. [i:cfd4f3b8ed](Defaces paintings with UV pens, gets naked and dies)[/i:cfd4f3b8ed] [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Langdon:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] Very perplexing Officer. [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Sophie:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] I have clues, lets run away! [i:cfd4f3b8ed](Clues are ingeniously solved, lots of running about happens)[/i:cfd4f3b8ed] [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Teabing:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] I love the grail! [i:cfd4f3b8ed](Flies to England)[/i:cfd4f3b8ed] [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Silas:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] Pain is good. [i:cfd4f3b8ed](Flagellates)[/i:cfd4f3b8ed] [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Sophie:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] I saw my grandad having sex once. [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Rémy:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] Aha, I'm a double agent and allergic to nuts. [i:cfd4f3b8ed](Drinks nut spiked drink and dies)[/i:cfd4f3b8ed] [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Teabing:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] Hahaha! Bet you didn't think I was the baddie, didya? The grail will be mine! [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Langdon:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] No it wont. We're too clever. [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Sophie:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] I'm related to Jesus! [b:cfd4f3b8ed]Langdon:[/b:cfd4f3b8ed] Hey baby, lets get it on.
OK - this is more film than book, but the later books have tended to follow the films - and I'm not going to say which films/books - I suspect people will be falling over themselves to post the identity they have immediately recognized! Secret agent has fight. Secret agent destroys target. Secret agent escapes with a bit of futuristic technology. Secret agent might even get girl (and this is before the opening credits!). Stock footage with immediately recognizable music, camera iris, gunshots and blood while the audience tries to remember who's playing him in this one. Long opening credit sequence involving lots of naked women in silhouette. Secret agent gets briefed after flirting with secretary of boss. Secret agent gets issued with all sorts of high-tech equipment that you know he is not going to bring back, whatever the armourer might say. Secret agent goes to various exotic locations, has more fights, and some chases - at least one involving cars and a lot of damage. Secret agent gets captured. Secret agent gets away and destroys villain and/or villain's secret weapon. Secret agent gets girl (a different one). Roll closing credits. Now - who am I talking about here?
*jumps up and down with hand raised* Ohhh, ohh I know, I know....it's Rincewind in the Terry Pratchett books, isn't it? isn't it?
Ok, really bad idea to read these at work. Electric_Man, I was laughing madly at the Rings one. That was hilarious, and an excellent summary of approximately a million pages of text. These are too much fun, especially if you've read the book in question (or seen the movie(s) in question).
[quote:d76eb2bcaa="OmKranti"]*jumps up and down with hand raised* Ohhh, ohh I know, I know....it's Rincewind in the Terry Pratchett books, isn't it? isn't it?[/quote:d76eb2bcaa] Er - no - (if you're replying to me) - but it does have possibilities - agent "Double-O-the-number-you-must-not-mention-minus-one" - "My name is Wind - Rince Wind"
Wow...I love these, particularly the bible one :lol: here is my attempt, American Gods by Neil Gaiman...naturally there are many spoilers Warden: your wife is dead Shadow: oh *gets out of jail and onto a plane* Wednesday: your late, want a job? Shadow: guess so *gets a coin (gold) from Sweeny from nowhere…buries it with his wife, it brings her back to life.* *Drinks some mead, doesn’t like it* *plays chess with Czernobog* Czernobog: If I win, I get to knock you brains out. With a sledge hammer. Shadow: okay *Czernobog wins* *Zorya Polunochnaya gives him another coin (silver)* Shadow: how? *Meets some gods, old and new, who are at war. Moves, Sacrifices himself, comes back to life, stops war, reveals hoax, goes to Iceland.* *Somewhere in between gives back gold coin, his wife dies (properly), learns a new coin trick, and gets tapped on the head with a sledge hammer.* somewher enear the end- Wednesday: Shadow, I am your father. Shadow: okay.
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith *expensive fight scene* *bad dialogue* *expensive fight scene* *bad dialogue* Padme: OMG! I'm pregnant. Anakin: OMG! I had a dream saying bad things! Evil emporer: I'm an evil sith. We lie a lot. I can give you a very shaky solution to your problems. Will you give away years of training to join me? Anakin: Sure, why not. *more fight scenes and bad dialogue* *Yoda fight!* Anakin: I went to the dark side to save you, Padme, but now I will attempt to kill you. *Super hot Obi Wan chops up Anakin* Evil emporer: I shall save the chopped up Anakin. Anakin (who has become Darth Vader): Nooooooooooooooooo! And suddenly everyone realises that Darth Vader just aint cool any more. The end.
No, no, she wanted to see a [i:76a89dba74]Star Wars[/i:76a89dba74] one. Prequels don't count as real Star Wars.
Maybe so, but I daren't insult any of the real ones, so I had to chose the one that had burnt itself permanently into my memory.
Couldn't do it better than [color=blue:0024412c88]this[/color:0024412c88] classic (warning dial up folks, this is an animated gif)
thats real funny sleepy sarge, and it reminds me of this site 30 secs movies re-enacted by bunnies!!! l wonder is our very own bunny involved? edited : it's 30 secs not 60!
The Star Wars Trillogy, in miniature: Luke: I wanna be an Imperial fighter pilot! Droids: We're a disfunctional gay couple, and he's just run off. Obi Wan: Here's a glowing phallic object that slightly fills the gnawing gap in your soul that results from having never known your father. Luke: Cool! So now I'm a sci-fi samurai? Han: I'm a bad guy [Edit] I'm a good guy but misunderstood Leia: I like luke, no I like han, no I like luke, no I like han. Obi Wan: Hiya Darth Vader: They changed it now, Darth's just my title. btw, ur pwned! Obi Wan: OMG! Respawning! Vader: WTF? Haxxored! n00b left no l00t! Luke: I wanna be a Rebel Alliance fighter pilot! Luke: I'm cold. Han: I'm cold. Leia: Despite this being an ice planet and the fact that i'm descended from a woman who has glass cutters on the freaking DESERT WORLD, my nipples remain unresponsive. Perhaps this is because I cannot decide between luke or han? Luke: I'm colder. Han: I've found you, and stuck you in a furry lizard thing. Sentry: OMG! Sony Abios! Luke: Wedge! use the harpoon! Rebels: We're moving servers!! Luke: K, brb, gtg 2 degobah! Frank Oz: Is it okay if Yoda sounds like a jewish version of Grover? Luke: I'm twice the leet sci-fi samurai! Lando: Someone set us up the trap! Han: What you say? Main screen, switch on! Vader: HAHAHA, How are you gentlemen? Luke: My friends! Vader: All your friends are belong to us. Han: I'm cold again! Leia: But I've made up my mind now!! Luke: Fear my sci-fi samurai skills with the phallical connection to my missing father. Vader: I'm your dad, n00b. Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (It runs in the family, appearantly, but we didn't find that out until this summer!) Vader: Using my Improved Sunder Feat, and the natural 20 I rolled for my attack, and my Lightsaber's bonus to ignore object hardness, and my Sith modifier... wow, i think i sundered your wrist, man. (It runs in the family, appearantly, but we didn't find that out until a few years ago). Droids: We're still dysfunctionally gay. Jabba: Yeah... and you thought muppets were supposed to be cute... Luke: Check it out man, this was the original costume design. So hawt! Boba Fett: OMG, PWNED! wtf was that? Luke: Brb, I left the gas on! Yoda: (Disconnected: Server timed out.) Audience: KYOOOOOOOTE! Miniwookies! Ewoks: This existance is demeaning to us. Vader: Hiya boy. Luke: Father, thought you stole from me the one tennious connection I had to the man you once were, I cannot help but feel that this reunion of our two misguided souls heralds something momentus and perhaps now, after all these years, you'll come to watch my little league team? Vader: Nah, too busy being evil. Meet the emperor. Luke: How's it goin? Emperor: It's too dry in here, i keep building up static shocks on the carpet. Watch. Vader: 404 Character trait "Evil" not found. The server may be down, or the soul may be experiencing brief remorse. Try again later. Emperor: I've fallen and I can't get up. Luke: I blew up all the death stars!!!
[b:dcb0b08194]Sophie's World[/b:dcb0b08194] - Jostein Gaarder [b:dcb0b08194]Sophie[/b:dcb0b08194] - I think therefore I am [b:dcb0b08194]Albert[/b:dcb0b08194] - You think therefore I am [b:dcb0b08194]Sophie[/b:dcb0b08194] - Who is me that is doing the thinking [b:dcb0b08194]Albert[/b:dcb0b08194] - Good question. Maybe someone else is thinking for us therefore we are [b:dcb0b08194]Sophie[/b:dcb0b08194] - Now I'm paranoid [b:dcb0b08194]Albert[/b:dcb0b08194] - Run away. Run away [b:dcb0b08194]Sophie[/b:dcb0b08194] - .... (left novel so she can do her own thinking) [b:dcb0b08194]The end[/b:dcb0b08194]
Brilliant - almost all of them so far... But the idea alone to sum up "sophies world" is pretty bold!
