This last couple of days have been so much of an emotional roller coaster I don't know what to do with myself. After Saturday when he told me he wasn't ready to date and that he didn't have feelings for me, I was a mess for a long time. Then Monday I went to class and it was all about self forgiveness and self love. Forgiving yourself for being curious enough to have a human experience and getting hurt. So I got a lot of clarity about the situation and was in a really good letting go space. Then he comes over Monday and we hang out and talk, I gave him a aura healing and we looked up information about Third Bridge (the haunted Indian burial ground). It was about quarter to 1am and I had to get up in the morning, so I told him I was kicking him out. He got up to leave and gave me a hug....and wouldn't let go. He held me close and stroked my hair and said it was going to be ok. I looked into his eyes and he said "Not tonight, but it is a possibility". What? What? I asked him to honestly tell me if he had feelings for me. He said yes he did, but that he didn't know what to do about them. And that even though the possibility was there that we could be together, to not hold my breath. Ok, wow. Now he's just turned my world upside down again. AGAIN! Now I don't want to let go. I want to live in hope that it can work out. Yesterday he called me at about 10am. He's was stressed because he's run out of gas. Ok, so I am in love and I can't say no to him. So I go to where he is and fill his tank up with gas and buy him lunch and we have a really good time just hanging out. There's a storm coming and it's full moon tonight and we're both excited about going to Third Bridge. He comes over about 9:30pm and we start driving. Its a cool drive and we chat and laugh and it's like old times. We get out to Third Bridge and it's creepy and beautiful. The full moon casts shadows over the fields and the grove of trees by the river. We walk down into the grove and I talk to the trees. They tell me lots of interesting things, about the land, about the history and about the energy that runs through this place. One of the big old trees asks me to tell Elf to climb it. I doubt I have ever seen a more graceful and beautiful sight as Elf climbing that big old tree. When he gets to the top he yells "Did he tell you how I'm going to get down?" The tree and I just laugh. There are drums in the distance, ghost drums. The rhythm keeps changing. It's beautiful. We walk down under the bridge. There is remnants of animal bones in a pentagram. There is a hog-tied dead calf laying nearby, no doubt the unfortunate victim of a sacrifice. The energy changes. This is awful. But interesting. We are driving away, ghosts of Indians on horseback start following the truck. I speak with them. I ask them what tribe they are in. They don't know, one of the Indians starts naming all the tribes he can think of. These are names that we have heard for our people, but they still don't know what we would call them today, in English. They comment on the truck. Elf asks me to ask them if they would like to hear it whinny and neigh. They say yes. He revs the engine a bit and makes the truck shudder. Elf asks me if they have a name for it. "Big Horse, Loud" they say. Elf laughs. He's so beautiful. My heart starts to ache again. As abruptly as they started the run, the ghosts of the Indians and horses stop, they can't cross the river. I say goodbye and thank the land for the knowledge. We drive home in almost complete silence. He drops me off and says "call me tomorrow". I turn to him and say one of the hardest things I've ever said. "I'm actually not going to call you tomorrow. I'm not going to call you for a while. I need some time. I need separation. I have some major stuff to look at and you need to get clear on what you want". I go upstairs and go to bed. When I wake up my head hurts and I start crying. I haven't stopped. This hurts. In the immortal words of Plaid: "Life is pain".
*Passes a box of tissues and some chocholate. It sucks to be in the place where you are, I know. It will work out, one way or the other, and it will stop hurting with time.
Still, Kudos for doing the right thing. Besides, you've always got us. I can't climb trees, but make a great scary mime!
Om cold comfort and stuff but I think you did the right thing. this is a guy with issues who liked that you liked him but didn't want to give anything of himself back. he seemd to like having you around but wasn't up for giving you what you want/need. Space, time and a good hard cry goodbye is always helpful. It will help you establish some emotional distance from the situation and let you figure out what you want from him, whether it be relationship, friendship or a definite end. my strategy is to go for definite ends. Harder at first but a hell of a lot easier to move on from in the future... Good luck with it all.
Om, I know it is hard to do what you did but I think it was the right thing, if he didn't realize how bad he has been hurting you who knows how much longer he'd have gone on hurting you. If he is going to love you he has to make his mind up, possibilities don't count in love or anywhere else. You are worth loving and even an Elf should be able to see that clearly.
Hang in there Om, love does hurt when it's not going right, but it's better to take the time to be sure before jumping into the ring of fire rather than wander in brainlessly and get burned. Also, think hard about if you could love your child if it had pointy ears.
Om, you keep falling in love with people who take from you endlessly but give very little back. You're doing the right thing, and we'll always be here for you. Sounds like you had quite a night at the graveyard, and I'm glad you seemed to get some clarity from it. Edit to add: Hah, 'Clarity'. Falling in love can stop you from taking care of yourself, right? Enough crazy Elfity, more Clarity.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. It's been very hard not to call him these last few days. But I really did get some good clarity (nice one Grace) on it last night. I guess what I really am getting to is that if it's Gods will for me to be alone for the rest of my life, then I'm ok with that. So, all in all....I'm ok today. It still hurts and I still love him more than anything in the world. But I'm ok not being with him.
Whether or not it's God's will for you to be alone for the rest of your life, I doubt it's God's will for you to spend the rest of your life running around after total dickwads who do nothing but damage you emotionally, take what you'll give them and not bother to give anything back.
I'm pretty certain, although I haven't done a deep study into this, but I'm pretty sure that one thing all religions agree on is that "God" whoever that happens to be, moves in ways we can only dream of understanding. Meh give it all up and join the holy church of Oprah... Om, dear, sometimes things are unfair, we can only hope that they are just steps we have to go through to get to greener grass on the other side. Ok, so sometimes the greenest grass grows deceptively on boggy marshland, so you have to wade through that too. Oh and watch out for the crocodiles. But hey, somewhere there's got to be solid ground and good grazing, it just means keeping your head above the surface 'till you get there, and if you need a bit of a raft to cling to or rest on from time to time, well hey, that's what friends are for. That and distracting the crocodile so you can run the other way. *hug* Yeah, I should scrap the metaphores and just stick to the hugs, I know.
well, so far you've tended to meet them from online hook-up sites and AA meetings. you do realize what this means, don't you? your next date will be with a guy you meet coming out of an STD clinic.
I think not Garner. No more online for me. And as far as AA meetings go, I've always said, don't shit where you eat. Elf was the one and only exception to this. No, I think I'm going to stay celibate for a while and concentrate on my energy work and trying to figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life.
Hm. Two weeks after I had said this the last time, me and my now husband became a couple. That's nine years ago this summer. The last time my husband said this... well, see above, only with switched roles. And as a matter of fact, hadn't we been that relaxed about each other's company due to our *cough* resolutions, but still stalking around each other like cats around the hot porridge pot like we did the months before, it would never have happened. It's a good thing to do, because if you meet someone worthy despite your resolution, you won't miss anything. And if you don't run into anybody worthy, you're fine with it either - so, it is a good strategy in any case.
Suggested hook-up sites for Om: * The vet, stable enough to keep a dog/cat alive * The laundromat, mature enough to 'do' for himself * The book store, intelligent enough to know the alphabet Hope this helps...
So I called him yesterday. We talked for 2 hours. It was good, he said that it was good to hear from me. Conversation is so comfortable it's amazing. I ask what he's doing later. He's going to an AA meeting about 4 blocks from me. I tell him that if he wants to swing by, I'd love to see him. He skips the meeting and turns up at my house early, about 9pm. We talk and laugh and hang out for a bit. He asks if i will braid his hair. By about 1:30am we got hungry so we went to Mammas for some grub. We hung out at my house untill 4:45am. I told him I had to get up in 3 hours, so he needed to leave. Long hug. He smirks at me alot. Am I just torturing myself?
But, it's so rare you find this kind of comfortable friendship. This connection we have where we can just be, no awkward silence, no wondering what to say next, no trying to make an impression. I don't want to lose my friend. He's too important to me. The way i look at it is, so what. So what if I'm in love with him. Is it really worth losing that kind of connective friendship over? So what if it hurts every time I look at him because I want to hold him and kiss him so badly. It's worth the pain knowing that I have him in my life. Yes, I think it is. It would hurt more to lose that friendship. It's not something I am willing to go through. I want him in my life.
if you're happy with it being just friendship, then fine. the thing is, it sounds like he's just not in a place in his life where he's gonna be comfortable in a romantic relationship. if you can respect that boundary (and, if both of you can stick to it), then in time the natural hormones and neurochemicals will change a bit and you won't wanna shag him as much. then you're in that horrible romantic nomans land called 'let's just be friends'. only, in this case, maybe you can.
I hope so, Garner. I hope so. I mean, I'm not going to kid myself. What I really hope for is that we CAN eventually be together romantically. But I don't see that happening at this point. And I do see us being good friends. And I'm ok with that.
Well, I think the biggest question you need to ask yourselve is now you define "Friends". If he is your friend, your going to be fine with it when he eventually gets a girlfriend, your going to be fine with it when he pours in your ear how wonderful she is, when he cries on your shoulder about what a bitch she is. Are you going to wish, all that time, it was *you* he was saying how wonderfull 'she' is. Are you going to 'I would never treat you like a bitch' Is his lovelife always going to be a closed door, an awkward secret never addressed becuase it's so painfull? Becuase if so, your not friends, you don't have a friendship. If your going to be friends *be* friends. Don't just be someone hanging out with someone the love waiting for thier friend to feel the same way. That's not friendship, thats just settling for second place. Don't mean to be harsh, instead of providing my usual comic relief, but I don't want you to end up getting hurt. Remember clarity. It's a tough time. Sending a barrel of hugs your way.
Thank you Rinso. I understand what you are saying. And I even said to him the other day "When you get over your fear and can freely give yourself to another person, you are going to make some woman very happy" So I know that if we remain friends I will hear all about the other women in his life, and I understand that we will be *just* friends. Like we were before this mess. I was with Barnaby & he was with Maggie and we told each other all of the wonderful things that they both were and we were happy for each other. And they both broke our hearts the same month. We cried on each others shoulders. Our friendship has been though many phases, and I beleive it can get through this one. Mind you, while I understand this now, logically, I am not prepared *right now* for it to happen. For example, if he was to come to me tomorrow and say he had met someone that he wants to share his life with and date or whatever, I would have to step back and take a break from seeing him untill I am well and truly healed. Because right now, I really am living in hope that someday we can be together. I know he loves me, he just can't have it. Gah. Damn. Blarahgghhh. Balls.
Cool then. Just be aware, and ready yourself for what your going in for. Remember that while, he might make some woman very happy tomorrow or whenever he gets over his fears, you could make someone very happy today. It might be a good idea, if you distance yourself a bit from him now. You obivously have a lot of emotions still going on. A bit of distance can only help with that. Take a little break from each other, learn to be just "friends" again.
My concern is his apparent willingness to act in a way he knows will hurt you, just because it's what he wants to do. You might be his friend, but is he yours?
He knows how you feel, but he's still prepared to give you extended hugs and ask for physical/flirtatious things like having his hair braided. He's prepared to let you pay for things he needs, to keep you up till a ludicrous hour when you have work the next day and so on. I know all these things require willingness on your part to engage in them, but it sounds to me like he's taking advantage of you in a lot of small ways. Then there's the fact that he sounds like a total nutter, you met him at AA meetings and he has clear, large emotional issues. Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends with him, but it doesn't make a great advert for friendship when you're someone who still has a lot of her own burdens to carry.
I see your point. Does it make you feel any better that I think that it's totally worth it? Probably not. I guess he's not the only one with clear, large emotional issues.
Well that does it! The guy needs his head read... It doesn't seem that this healthy for either of you but hey its your choice. I've had my share of bad relationships where the guy isn't ready but hangs around for the convenience of the whole arrangement... until he decides he wants something/someone else. I can't help but feel that this guy is going to wring every available emotion and all your energy because it makes him feel better. Be careful or run like hell Om.
Ok, so he calls me up last night at about 11pm. He wants to know if I'm going to bed any time soon. He's hanging out downtown and wants to swing by. He tells his friends he's going over to his 'sugar mammas' house. He walk 20 blocks barefoot to my house. He comes in the door and I nearly faint. He looks good. Really good. God damnit Elf. Fucking torturing me again. I drive him back to his truck at about 1am. We had a great night just hanging out, as usual. I am content today. It is what it is. I know he loves me. He just can't have this.
