Let's write a children's book. A picture book, if you like, but without the pictures. Each person writes a line (a page's worth), and then we make millions and all live in big castles. Here's the start: Page 1: 'Hast thou finished thine essay on literary rhetoric?' demanded Woofy. Page 2: 'No!' shouted Mr Barnacle. 'Bother me not! Your harassment is simultaneously ceaseless and crude! I shall have you reported to MI6!' Page 3: 'Oh no!' cried Woofy, his crown toppling from his head. 'MI6 are already here! I must flee the country at once and take refuge in Communist France!'
page four 'Stop in the name of melted ice cream and tuna fish!' the Chief of the MI6 shouted. page five Mr. Barnacle laughed.
Page 8 Mr Woofy saw the big red ball, and wet himself in terror. He rang a taxi. Page 9 The Chief of MI6 puffed on his pipe. "Catch the Woofy cad and remove his spleen!" he demanded of his second in command. (crossposted) (CONTINUITY) (and a typo! Will the editing never end!?)
Page 10: The taxi arrived and Mr Woofy sashayed into it. "Please proceed to the nearest location of air transportion, driver." Page 11: The driver stared straight ahead and said, "Certainly sir." On his lapel was a MI6 badge.
Page 14 The tracking device was all in Mr Woofy's mind. The big red ball was a metaphor for something far more sinister...
Page 17 Mr Woofy was sweating profusely. The big, red ball was metaphorically challenging his suspicious mental capabilities and the driver's badge had flashed momentarily in the mirror. Page 18 The Taxi driver drove past a sign pointing towards the airport, instead he followed one that said 'Fish Market'. "Stay calm, Mr Woofy." he said.
Page 20 Meanwhile, Mr Barnacle (and his big red ball) waited by the salmon stand with a white carnation in his buttonhole. Page 21 "I'll do some shopping while we wait. I'll have a fillet steak of salmon please" said the big red ball to the salmon seller.
Page 22 The salmon seller glared at the big red ball. Page 23 'Is that all I am to you, a stereotype? You think that just because I'm a salmon seller I sell fillet steaks of salmon?!'
Page 24 The taxi went past a gate pronouncing that they were at the fish market. "Time to get out, Mr Woofy." said the driver "But I previously requested to be taking to a place of aeronautical transportation!" "Well, get out and you'll see where we actually are." Page 25 As Mr Woofy got out of the car, he saw a scene of chaos. In the centre of it, a big red ball was bouncing on the head of a prone salmon seller.
Page 26 'What now?' asked Woofy. Page 27 'Mr Barnacle is in possession of a small green thermonuclear device!' exclaimed the taxidriver. 'We must stop him at once!'
Page 28 Whilst chuckling at the destructive diversion the red ball was creating, Mr Barnacle delved his hand into his pocket. Page 29 Mr Woofy peered through the crowd and managed to see Mr Barnacle. "He's fiddling around with something in his trousers!" he cried.
Page 30 'We must take a closer look,' said the taxidriver, getting out a pair of binoculars. Page 31 'Let me have a go!' said Woofy, as the driver peered through them.
Page 32 "I can't believe he's doing that!" said the taxi driver looking through the binoculars. "Let me see!" said Mr Woofy. Page 33 The chief of MI6 tapped Mr Barnacle on the shoulder. "Good evening, Mr Barnacle!"
Page 34 'What's he doing here?' said the taxidriver. 'Trying to steal my thunder, I'll bet. Just because he's higher ranking he thinks he can get away with anything!' Page 35 'Do I sense a subplot of professional conflict?' queried Woofy.
Page 36 The taxi driver's eyes watered. "I just want to show the world I've got a lot of love to give" he whispered. Page 37 Mr. Woofy took advantage of the emotional interlude to grab the binoculars and run into the crowd to spy on Mr. Barnacle. Page 38 Meanwhile, Mr. Barnacle nodded at the Chief of MI6. "Let us dispense with the formalities and get staight into the business of the dangerous object I have in my trousers."
Page 39 Mr Barnacle nodded. "Am I right in thinking that it could go off at any time?" said the chief of MI6 Page 40 Mr Barnacle nodded again. "I suggest you drop it, I have back-up coming." warned the Chief.
Page 41 Having been looking through the binoculars backwards, Woofy miscalculated his distance and walked right into Mr Barnacle. Page 42 'Shit,' he said.
Page 43 "Ah, Woofy, you bounding cad!" Mr. Barnacle cried. "Chief of MI6, catch him! I want his spleen on a plate!" Page 44 Mr Woofy jumped onto the big red ball. "Bounce, my pretty!" he commanded.
Page 45 "Agent Driver!" cried the chief of MI6, "Your remit was to take Mr Woofy back to HQ for questioning!" Page 46 "But..." "No buts! I shall chase him now, you stay here and stop Mr Barnacle from pressing his button!" Page 47 The chief jumped on his own big, red ball and set off in chase after Mr Woofy.
Page 48 Agent Driver fixed Mr. Barnacle with a menacing glare. "If you go anywhere near the button, I'll hit you with this pike!" he threatened. Page 49 Mr. Barnacle laughed. "You cannot stop me, you transportation bitch! The power of my implement cannot be surpassed by a weapon as long as six double decker buses!"
Page 50 Meanwhile Mr Woofy was bouncing through the fish market on the big red ball. The metaphorical alagory bounced off the head of a longshoreman before breaking the nose of a cuttlefish shucker as it spun wildly through the aquarium section. "YEE HAW!" cried Mr Woofy, flipping the bird to the octopus leg counter. Page 51 Mr. Driver ran after Mr Woofy but realising he could not keep up with the imaginary big red ball quickly grabbed a flying fish and jumped on its back. "Follow that big red ball!" he yelled. The flying fish took off and zoomed through the fish market.
page 52 The flying fish caught up with Mr Woofy and his bouncing ball with great ease, Mr Woofy was soon knocked to the ground page 53 Mr Woofy awoke to find himself in a very dark room. "what time is it" he said to himself. "the questions you should be asking are what day is and where am i" a quiet voice behind him said!
Page 54 "I refuse to submit to such clichéd conventions!" cried Mr Woofy Page 55 "Well I'm going to tell you anyway." said the voice, "The day is today and you are in a very dark room."
Edit age change Page 57 'Whyfore have you placed my body in this darkened room, on a day that is not yesterday, nor tomorrow?' Asked Mr Woofy in a questioning manner 'and where is my ball, my red ball?' 'As a metaphor for the sinster underlining sexual subpolt the red ball motif has become tired and woren, now it can only be expressed threw the medium of modern/jazz fuison dance' Said the voice. Page 58 The voice expressed the sinster underling sexual subpolt via a fusion of jazz and modern dance that was neither tired or woren.
Page 59 Suddenly the fusion of Jazz and modern which was neither tired nor worn was swiched off and a spotlight came on. Mr Woofy saw that the walls were bare, and there was no furniture in the room expcept for a high backed swivel chair. The chair began to rotate, slowly. Page 60 There was a large bald man sitting in the chair, fingers adorned with gold rings. As he looked at Mr Woofy, he stroked the red sphere sitting in his lap as if it were a kitten. " Greetings Mr Woofy" he said, "I am so pleased that you could join us. - I am Dr Cliche by the way"
Page 61 Mr Woofy clutched at his face in dramatic horror. "You wont get away with this, Dr Cliche!" he cried. Page 62 "Ah," intoned the doctor. "You are learning. But let me tell you this! I've kidnapped the girl, set the bomb to go off in ten minutes, and have the money in a briefcase!" He then placed his fingertips together underneath his chin. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
(There was some number mix-up a little way up, because of Ben's now ignored 'to be continued' pages So... ) Page 62! 'Your chin is stupid,' said Woofy. Page 63 Dr Cliche glared at him. He picked up his phone. 'Agent Barnacle? I know the bomb goes off in ten minutes, but have Mr Woofy's house egged.'
Page 64 "The bomb can't be that bad, can it?" said Mr Woofy, "It's not going to destroy the universe, is it?" Page 65 "Yes."
Page 66 'I never liked the Universe much anyway,' said Woofy. Page 67 'But...I do rather like my house...' Page 68 Mr Barnacle stood outside Woofy's house with a box of half a dozen eggs in his hand.
Page 69 Little did Mr barnacle KNow that the Chief of MI6 had caught up with him on his big red ball. He came zooming around the corner now and had reached such velocity that he simply took Mr Barnacle's head off as he swept passed. Page 70 "YEEHAW" sceamed the Chief as Mr Barnacle's body slumped to the ground. The egg he'd been about to throw fell to the ground just above his shoulders where his head should be and smashed. The effect of the broken egg for a head was very disturbing to Mr Cliche who watched all this from his lair on a big screen telly where some mysterious camera was capturing the action from some unknown place that seemed to be able to catch close-up emotion shots as well as pan the scene to catch the fast paced action too...
Page 71 Mr Barnacle walked up to his clone's headless, eggy corpse and looked at it with disdain. 'Such a pity,' he said. Page 72 He examined his shotgun to check that everything was in order. Page 73 'Now,' he said, 'I have about four minutes left before the bomb goes off. That's plenty of time to find the Chief and blast his sorry little brains out.' Page 74 As he headed in the direction of the Chief's bouncing ball, he wondered vaguely who the kidnapped girl was.
Page 75 On the other side of the city, in a second even darker room, Emma sat with a blind fold and a gag tied to a chair. She didn't know or understand why they were tied to a chair but as she got up and stumbled past them she had thought it was odd. Page 78 Emma Woofy was 18, pretty and obviously still a virgin (as most kidnap victims in these sorts of stories are) "why oh why am i here?" she asked herself as she swept her long ginger hair from her face!
[size=12:53c5e02549]Page 79 Emma reached for the mobile phone her kidnappers had been kind enough to leave for her, and pounded frantically at the keys. But then she heard footsteps.[/size:53c5e02549] (If this is a children's story, you all had very disturbing childhoods.)
page 80 emma tried despritley to reach somone on her phone, but at that moment the door began to creak open.... she made a mental note to tell the first kidnapper she saw that he should invest in some oil
