No, Roman, put that hammer down, I'm talking about the boardanian religions, of the churches of Ba, Garner and Doors. The [i:73003ade30]important[/i:73003ade30] religions I was asked how this all started, and how it all worked, who was what and why, and I must admit that at one point, I was unable to answer all the questions... As a conscript of the church of Garner, and being currently tempted by Ba wafting pies under my nose, (and blaming Doors for... whatever) I thought that for the good of all, newbies, visitors or even oldie-newbies like myself, it would be interesting to find out how this all began... In the "real world" sense of the question.
Real world? All right. It all started long ago on a message board far away. It was a Final Fantasy message board. At this point, Ba had never played any of the games, and was there mostly because a friend of his had joined the forum. Ba decided to pick a gimmick. Initially, that gimmick involved mock cooking show recipes. Most of these recipes involved the phrase "And smack the [random cute animal] briskly over the head with the frying pan!" Then he began to speak in the third person. He became the moderator of a forum on these boards called Random Insanity. He was well suited to the dignity and grace inherant to the position. As a moderator, he got a custom title, so he chose God of Unspeakable Culinary Acts. And thus did he achieve godhood. On another board, he also acted as the god Ba. Some jokes were made, and the phrase Lord of the Pies was used. And so Ba became god of pie as well as Unspeakable Culinary Acts. And then Ba joined the Harper Collins boards. The boards were small in those days, and the community was ripe for in-jokes. Ba noticed that a scrappy fellow by the name of Garner had listed his AIM nick, so Ba decided to message him. They struck up a conversation, and soon the two became major players in the formation of this fledgeling community. Ba occasionally mentioned his godhood, and eventually Garner decided to get in on the act, declaring himself Great God. Ba let him, but only because it amused him. This carried onto the boards. Now, the troll problems were already beginning, so Garner was starting to get a reputation as the local board nazi. But wait! There was another young gun in town, a sheep-shagging hombre in a kilt named Orrdos. Garner liked the cut of the unloved Scotsman's jib, and Orrdos became the third god, completing the Holy Tripod. So it is written. Ba will come up with a more mythic version if Kat prefers.
The lack of squirrels mentioned in this story saddened me. Saddened me greatly. Fie to your stories! Fie! I say.
[b:537c6cc030]An excerpt from the book of Hennessey[/b:537c6cc030] In the beginning, there was darkness. Then Ba opened the celestial refridgerator and there was light! He removed the most holy ingredients and closed the door. Once again there was darkness. Then Ba turned on the angelic kitchen light, and there was light… again. And Ba saw that this was good. Ba then baked the universe. And he saw that this was not so good. So, he gave it to the dog and baked another universe. This one was not so bad. The crust was the rim, the gooey filling was the ether in which everything floats, and the fruits were the planets. Ba would check on the universe every so often to see how it was doing; using the oven light of truth, and thus night was divided from day. Ba was pleased, but bored. There was no one sentient for him to torture. So, he formed a being out of a walnut. Named he him Garner, who seeing no one else around named himself “Great God”. Ba was amused. Manifesting himself inside the pie, Ba taught Garner godding. The creation of loyal people to live upon the fruits, and how to smite the agents of the preservatives, the Trolls. For many aeons, things were harmonious. Garner cultivated his following, Ba’s pie manifestation did the same. But then did Ba become bored again. He decided that Garner was reveling too much in his self appointed ‘Great Godhood’, so a foil He did make for him. This foil was made from the aluminum foil that lined the baking sheet of righteousness, and was tough, ornery, and would spark if anyone with braces attempted to chew him. This new being was to be named Orrdos in the old tongue, meaning both pantry and cupboard door. And thus is commonly know as Doors. The piece of foil that Doors was created from had some cooking sherry caked upon it, and thus was Doors created perpetually drunk. So drunk in fact, that the first thing that he saw upon opening his eyes were not his fellows, but a pink elephant that had fallen in bleach, whom he named Fred. [b:537c6cc030]An excerpt from the book of Things that I have Seen Whilst Upon Shrooms[/b:537c6cc030] Repent and hearken! For the time of the great cooling is drawing nigh! Night shall be no more, for Ba will leave his pie manifestation and place the universe upon the shelf of piety. Garner and Door shall then be afraid. For then, shall they them know that they are false gods, created by Ba in order to amuse him. But they will maintain their divinity, to the detriment of their sheep. And when the great cooling is done, Ba will bring out the carving knife of vengeance, and whisk his followers away into the angelic kitchen. He will then proceed to carve the universe, and Ba shall eat the universe, and his followers shall have humble pie that has been in the celestial refridgerator for a week. And thus will the true believers live in harmony forever and ever, until Ba gets bored. Amen. [b:537c6cc030]An excerpt from the book of the Rikchikchik[/b:537c6cc030] ...And thus did Ba enjoy the squirells he had made. For they were tasty...
Hail, ye great gods! Thank you for the more mundane explanation because the more mythical one would just make me more confused (if it appeared on its own). Learning the local lore is a time consuming effort and I appreciate conciseness and matter-of-factness. Can you explain the history and activities of the churches, as well?
[quote:a1e5feaea0="Ba"]The churches formed to serve and honor the gods. What more does Candaleena need to know?[/quote:a1e5feaea0] They eat a lot of pie. That is mostly all I see* them doing. *not that I stalk them or anything...
This vastly amused me, especially the myffic version where the fridge light illuminated the world...again. I now understand why the church of Doors needs to be hosed down in the hour of every day where we kick everyone out (so they don't become addicted to pokies) and clean the beer lines in preparation of the next keg. I blame the sherry. Its evil.
Sorry about the evil Sherry spiky. We ran short at the bar and the only stuff available in town was being sold by a Satanic monk on Broad Way. He gave it to me for a very reasonable price, but didn't tell me about the demonic posession, uncontrollable flatulence, or tendency to sing Celine Dion songs that would ensue until after I'd loaded it all in the truck. Damn those Satanic Monks. *Shakes Fist* As well as serving the booze bar staff in the Church of Orrdos are also required to remain relatively sober to make sure people pay their tabs. We also unleash the Rabid Monkey Cannon against rowdies. Then in the morning we peel the Doormen off the floor, take them out back and hose them down. It is a difficult yet rewarding position, and we do it well.
This was not only greatly amusing but also interesting. Thank all those who contributed, this shall go down in history as an great history of history.
[quote:cc840dc213="Rincewind"]The lack of squirrels mentioned in this story saddened me. Saddened me greatly. Fie to your stories! Fie! I say.[/quote:cc840dc213] at the time of these events, i lived in a house with squirrels in the celing. so there.
When I was a teenager I lived in a house with mutant squirrels living in the walls. And then my parents retired and had to move. And all I have now is a bread-crazed bouncing black bunny on my balcony. I've thought of writing my life story, but I don't think people would believe half of it.
[quote:31b045e2bd="Garner"][quote:31b045e2bd="Rincewind"]The lack of squirrels mentioned in this story saddened me. Saddened me greatly. Fie to your stories! Fie! I say.[/quote:31b045e2bd] at the time of these events, i lived in a house with squirrels in the celing. so there.[/quote:31b045e2bd] I remember your tales of scratching sounds and many numberous squirrel related death threats, Good Times.
[quote:6c61648459="fairyliquid"]Squirrels are good feng shui (pronounced shwey)[/quote:6c61648459] That all depends if they're facing north they are, if they're rabid and biting your leg, they ain't
I used to raise squirrels. They are fun little buggers to play with. I used to have one that would run up my leg and sit either on my head or my shoulder. I stopped him from sitting on my head after he started shitting on my head. I could brush it off my shoulder, but it got stuck in my hair.
I once saw my parents labrador, Luke, swallow a squirrel whole. It was a huge gray squirrel my mother shot just as casually as she would have swept the leaves from her front deck, but instead of reaching for the broom she reached for her .22. It was sort of like seeing a snake eat a rat, it took a couple of extra swallows to get the tail down but that dog managed it just fine. It was the creepiest thing I ever saw.
[quote:269ee7eea8="Candeleena"]Can you explain the history and activities of the churches, as well?[/quote:269ee7eea8] In the old days of the Harper Collins boards, as Ba says, he and Garner used to refer to themselves as gods. When Garner had just started declaring himself Great God, I asked if I could be High Priestess of this new religion. He said yes, and put me in charge of collecting opals and krugerands. Eventually, he decided that Mynona would make a good novice, so we appointed her and gave her various tasks to perform in order to be promoted up the clerical ladder. At that time, Ba was more of a lurker than an active poster. However, when he started posting more regularly, he agreed to the appointment of Doors (Orrdos) as a third god. Doors decided he needed a clergy, and recognised the inevitability of appointing Rinso and Kenny (known as the Chuckle Brothers before they became the Doormen). Nester was a later addition. Ba then decided to appoint his own clergy, a vast platoon of holy men and women. Garner eventually realised that he had fewer clergy than the other gods and therefore appointed Plaid to the Garnerite cause. There have been additional appointments since then. The current position is that I am Popette of Garner and Great Goddess (that's what happens when you marry a god - NB, don't reply to that thread, it's an old one on the other boards) in my own right. My High Priestess is Om. Garner's High Priestess is Mynona, Plaid is Novice-At-Arms and Katcal is conscript. Ba's High Priestess is Avgi (Sacharissa) and the Grand Spatula is CJ. I lose track of the rest of Ba's clergy. Doors' High Priestess is Ella (Snails), and his Doormen are Kenny (Colonesque), Rinso, Nester and the lamentably absent Eu.
Eu Sou Eu?, fourth Doorman of the Apocalypse. Portugese, insane, hilarious and sadly absent. Present in my boardfic, [i:49ef3e7ae4]2001: A Board Odyssey[/i:49ef3e7ae4], as Captain Eu, a legacy to his greatness.
'Eu? Sou eu...' was his full name. The weirdo. He was a poster on the old board, and the fourth Doorman. He stopped posting.... god, about a year and a half ago, i think. He's in Tripod, the one with the red and yellow trousers, top hat and monocole. He was a really cool poster. I miss him too Edit: >shakes fist at Grace< See avatar.
[quote:362358942d="Buzzfloyd"]There have been additional appointments since then. The current position is that I am Popette of Garner and Great Goddess (that's what happens when you marry a god - NB, don't reply to that thread, it's an old one on the other boards) in my own right. My High Priestess is Om. Garner's High Priestess is Mynona, Plaid is Novice-At-Arms and Katcal is conscript. Ba's High Priestess is Avgi (Sacharissa) and the Grand Spatula is CJ. I lose track of the rest of Ba's clergy. Doors' High Priestess is Ella (Snails), and his Doormen are Kenny (Colonesque), Rinso, Nester and the lamentably absent Eu.[/quote:362358942d] This fails to mention the clergy of Doors of Om - Head bar wench and spiky (myself) - bar wench... we are charged with keeping the beer flowing and hosing the rest of the clergy and our god down occassionally.
[quote:b3eff9c1d8="Buzzfloyd"][quote:b3eff9c1d8="spiky"] the clergy of Doors of Om - [/quote:b3eff9c1d8] Eh?[/quote:b3eff9c1d8] I think she meant Hex - Head Bar Wench. But I could be wrong, I frequently am.
[quote:728e7ccd16="OmKranti"][quote:728e7ccd16="Buzzfloyd"][quote:728e7ccd16="spiky"] the clergy of Doors of Om - [/quote:728e7ccd16] Eh?[/quote:728e7ccd16] I think she meant Hex - Head Bar Wench. But I could be wrong, I frequently am.[/quote:728e7ccd16] Yes, yes I do mean Hex. Feeling embarassed and hoping that Hex won't demote me further down the bar wench ranks. My only excuse is lately there has been too much wenching and I need more sleep.
