Before the invention of that favourite of lazy bastards everywhere, bread that comes already sliced, the greatest invention market was pretty much covered by one thing. Well, two things if you want to count the wheel. Which I don’t. Really, what’s so good about a big circle? Nothing, that’s what. So, to my mind, we should all be bowing down and giving thanks to the man that brought us: FIRE. It really is something that we all take for granted these days, but do we ever stop and really give it any thought now? No, we do not. Not now that it is so free and easy to get a hold of. Matches, lighters, the old magnifying glass and the sun technique. Fire is everywhere. So, let us for once stop and take a look at fire, and see if it is really as good as it seems to be. First up, it is very versatile. It can primarily be used to provide heat and light, which was handy back in the days when people didn’t have nice warm houses to live in. This use does of course live on through the stupid bastards who go camping. Nothing like a sing song round a big campfire, apparently. The fact that the acrid smoke gets into your eyes and makes your clothes smell of burning for weeks is of course something that campers pretend to like, as it makes them close to nature. Wankers. While I suppose it’s nice that the old traditional use of fire is being kept alive, there’s really no place for it in modern society. The other main use fire once had was cooking. After a hard day hunting, prehistoric man would like nothing better than the missus to stick a mammoth leg on the fire. The flames of course making it taste much nicer, and a lot less raw. Fast forward to today, and people are still flame grilling meat, via the world of barbeques. (although, those bastarding campers have to ruin the fun by cooking fucking marshmallows in the fire). So, in the case of cooking, fire still has a use today, be it a barbeque or a simple gas cooker. What other uses does fire have? Well, it is good for disposing your enemies in a hideously painful manner. Also, where would the world of insurance fraud be, were it not for our friend the mysterious fire? There would also be a lot of people out of work without fire, such as the fire fighters and the barbeque salesmen. On the downside, fire does enable a lot of people to commit slow suicide by letting them light up cigarettes,. And no ones ever happy when orphanages burn down. For some reason. So, to sum up, fire is pretty damn good. Without it, modern life would be a great deal shitter. 9/10
Critic Critical The film critic is a tragedy, the arduous battle of one man whose paycheck is to be found in his colon, therefore necessitating an epic struggle whereby he attempts to get as far up his own arse as possible to achieve his goal of reaching it. The angle at which this is approached is a curious one: down through the nose while at the same time positioned slightly sidelong so as to deliver what is deemed to be wit but is in reality smug, self-satisfied bilge, employing irrelevant and irritating comments often and for some bizarre reason related to the critic's personal life. And so I'm sitting here, staring at a photo of my dog, wondering: is there really any point? [suave expression] The main flaw of the film critic comes from the stark juxtaposition of a conceited opinion and the somewhat mistaken belief that anybody else actually cares. He's based on the premise that his opinion is somehow superior to everyone else's, a risky approach at the best of times and one that here fails catastrophically, no doubt due to the unconvincing pretense that he even knows what he's talking about. That's not to say that the film critic is a complete failure. There is certain merit in the deft use of alliterative titles and puns that will attract the average reader, although this too often appears smug and conceited in itself and then gives way to a bewildering and frustrating jaunt that leaves one feeling empty. Quite frankly, I want my life back. And so does my dog. Score: 1/5
For the first humans on the planet according to God, Adam and Eve were't what I would call good role models. Firstly, they walked around with no clothes on. In a garden like environment, which I'm sure contained, as gardens do, a few species of stinging plants that irritate the skin, walking around naked was a recipe for painful swellings and rashes in uncomfortable places. Eating treats offered by strangers was a bad idea too. Who knows what that apple could have been laced with? That snake, who by virtue of being a snake could not be trusted to be an upstanding moral citizen, could have had evil intentions by giving that apple away. And indeed he did! A lesson learnt that could have been avoided with some common sense and social awareness. Of course, after this episode, God was pretty annoyed with their naiviety, and punished them soundly with painful childbirth and modesty. Once again I would like to stress the thoughtlessness of their choice of undergarments; it is more than possible that leaves could irritate the skin. Then again, sensible, breathable cotton underwear didn't exist at the time, so I suppose they can be credited with intuition. I give them 5/10. They tried.
This protective marvel has long been a mainstay of British life, indeed the life of many different peoples around the globe. It is the ultimate in chameleons, coming in a variety of colours, patterns, textures and shapes, although one shape is dominant - the rectangle. What would we do without the blanket? In the winter it wards away the cold and in the summer it provides a platform on which to build the culinary delight of a picnic. It really is amazing how often this combination of fibres is overlooked as one of the all-time greats of invention. Who even knows who invented it? This person should be lauded unto the highest power, maybe even given an MBE! We have him or her to thank for many a warm nights sleep and a lack of grass stains on our trousers. It is even a companion for many a young child. But what of the drawbacks? Well, there are none, the blanket is perfect in its design and implementation. 12/10
sbadiglio the yawn, that mysteriously contagious physiological phenomenon, has one purpose: taking in large amounts of oxygen to sustain a tired, bored, or otherwise understimulated brain. i don't know how successful these attempts usually are. negative side effects also include making one look like a doofus and causing nearby persons to yawn as well, despite their own personal brain-oxygen levels. mostly i think yawning is a somewhat sad symptom of wanting to do something else more exciting or perhaps taking a nap. howeber, because the italian word for yawn is so darn cool, i'll give yawning in general a 6/10
You know, it was a travesty this thread died on its arse. It had potential to be a damn good thread, but I suppose the effort involved in thinking about a post, rather than posting random crap was maybe too much for some people. Anyway, in an attempt to save this thread and strike a blow for decent posting, I have done another review. Tuesday - A Review No one ever likes Mondays. Thursday and Friday are the start of the weekend. Wednesday takes the biscuit for most mundane day. But what about Tuesday? It's certainly better than Monday. Is that it though? If Tuesday was a person that died, would its epitaph be "Well, it was better than Monday"? It's like the Art Garfunkel of the week, the day no one ever really remembers or cares about, yet, is totally vital. Only it doesn't have the stupid hair. Has anything of interest ever happened on a Tuesday? I say, no. No it has not. I come to this conclusion after hours of painstaking research on the matter, and talking to the worlds foremost Tuesday experts. That is of course a lie. No one likes Tuesday enough to be an expert on it. What if it wasn't there though? What if there was no Tuesday! Well, the year would lose about 52 days. I assume this would have some sort of knock on effect on seasons and things. Although, this might make it more interesting. One year, summer is in July, the next it's in April or something. I think that might add a dash of excitement to life. The working week would also be shorter, although I suspect that the "man" would take away a weekend day to make up for that. Or make people work longer hours on the other days or something. So, on that count, losing Tuesday is probably a bad thing. So, overall? I can't recommend Tuesday particularly, but nor can I decry it. And, it's better than Monday. 6/10
Elbows: What's the point? Pretty much everyone has one, the majority of those have two, yet I bet most of them take elbows for granted. So where would we be without the humble elbow? Well for one, we would be unable to scratch the majority of our bodies, itches would be unitched, uncomfortableness would ensue! So elbows are definitely a boon to our existence. They also provide essential leanage support and can be advantageous in a scrap. But what are the drawbacks? Well they lack anything other than single direction movement (unless you are a mutant), can cause accidental injuries to nearby people when running/jumping and are always susceptible to the killer pain - hitting your funny bone. All in all, they are an essential piece of modern life which we would struggle to live without, but there is much room for improvement. Sort it out, random evolutionary mutations! 7/10
Rincewind's extremely detailed and informative review of the movie fantastic four: Rise of the silver Surfer Meh. It's better than rape. Probably.
Paper: The Critics Guide Lately there seems to have been a distinct lack of effort by paper to keep the viewing audience entertained. The general consensus is that the white sheet of A4 has lost the plot and needs to re-energise its appearance in order to attract a new audience. Paper seems to want to argue that white and A4 were good enough in the past why should it change for the future. However, in this modern society of technological change paper is facing a crisis. It needs to reinvent itself itself to remain relevant in this age of the paperless society, where a 1 inch mobile screen in monochrome or colour can do the job of a sheet of paper. Paper needs to seriously consider change otherwise it will be made obsolete. In this push for a new audience and relevancy it is suggested that paper abandon its obsession with white and move into a more dynamically colourful style. The forsaking of the oh-so old fashioned rectangle in favour of a non-symmetrical shape would also enhance paper's hip new image. Paper let go of the plain symmetry of the past to embrace the new era of colour and angles!
Doors. He listens to the Geoff Show, especially Porting Controversy, way too much. Also, this thread is really badly rubbish.
Fish are highly edible and beneficial for good health. Some fish are better than others for various reasons. I give fish a five out of five.
Pancakes. Although they are a delicious and versatile form of nutrition, pancakes suck. Because they take a long time to make, making them is hot and boring, and finding someone else to do it is annoyingly hard. I want pancakes. NOW.
Billy Nelson, age 8, was a champion screamer. As his legs were ground into sausage, he let loose such a din that Lucifer himself called to complain. And he was a trooper too, was Billy. He didn't stop screaming until the grinder came near to his waist, when his soul finally quit its mortal shell. Ba only hopes that Billy's soul will prove as much fun to play with as it suffers eternally in the dark oven.
The Review This item seems to have been around long before the clock of time starting ticking. I for one cannot go a day without using this item or having this item used on me. I of course talk of the water pistol. Rarely does a summers afternoon pass without a child or two or seventy-eight engaging each other in water fights with the use of a pistol or two. Of course this pass time can include water bombs and other water dispersing items but without the water pistol none of it would be possible. These days the water pistol may manifest itself in different forms known as a 'supersoaker' or a 'megawetter' but the principal is still the same, to cause as much wettness to another person as is possible. The only drawback to this great item that I can see is that it is really only a seasonable item and is not ideal for winter games. 6.5/10
