Long Distance Relationships

So, I've been thinking. (Dangerous, I know)

Some of us met here on the board, some of us who met here didn't live in the same city. Some of us even lived in different countries. Yet, for some reason, we found 'the one' and persued a relationship. Even though long distance is hard.

I am currently in a long distance relationship. It's hard.

So, that got me wondering. Why do we do it? Has the world just become small; and we find we can find our soul mate on the other side of the world because now it's feasable? What keeps us connected? Do you sometimes wonder if it's all worth it? What do you do to remind yourself that it is, in fact, all worth it?

The thing is, that this month has been very hard for Barnaby & I. And, I couldn't help wonder a few times if it was, in fact, worth it. The pain of separation from the one you love. And, I was begining to lose sight of why I was doing this in the first place. It's not that the love is any less, I think for me, the pain gets more and more and trying to keep a brave face, and say it's all going to be worth it when you're together seems somehow, moot. Of course, when I see him on Friday all those feelings of doubt will disapear and I will once again be secure in our love and in the knowledge that it is worth the wait. And, that New Haven, CT isn't really that far. (1850 miles)

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and opinions on the subject.

Thanks.

As another person in a Long Distance Relationship, I definitely feel your pain Om.
My relationship with Charles didn't begin as Long Distance, but we knew right from the start I would be moving in five months. We didn't know how we'd deal with it, but we knew that we wanted to make the effort.

After over a year in said long distance relationship, I've spent some time wondering if this is all worth it. I've been depressed, irritable, and suffering from insomnia. After ages of crying myself to sleep I didn't understand why I was going through all this voluntarily.

Then I went to visit Charles in London for a week. And it was one of the best weeks of my life. Spending that time with him reminded me of why I got into the long distance relationship in the first place.

So yeah, all I'll say Om is what you already know. All your doubts just go away after spending some time together, haing a good talk, and just getting back in touch.

My little piece of advice? If you don't have webcams, it's a good idea to get one. The iSight for macs works like a dream, as do the other webcams. They really help take the edge off the distance and they don't cost as much as they used to. It's really helped me a lot.
And to remind myself why I am doing this? I read through my email archives. My entire relationship with Charles is in there, and it reminds me of all the great times we went through.

*Hugs Om*. We should start a Long Distance Support Group.

Have a great time seeing Barnaby Om! You'll have a great time, I know it

I have never been in a Long Distance Relationship, but for having felt the pain when leaving my husbnd even for a week or a few days on business trips, I truly sympathise with all those who are going through this every day and still manage it... I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give, although Hex's sounds good. Make the most of every moment together, and in moments of doubt, always think back to the few moments of happines rather than the long days of loneliness. It IS worth it, remember that

You can only tell yourself, for some consolation, that at least nowadays you can really stay in touch every day, even every minute if you want (and work somewhere, where it's possible!). Ten years ago all you could do was make an international phone call!
So - count your blessings.
Still, it must be hard. What are your prospects of moving closer permanently?

Second thought: isn't that strange that sometimes communicating by e-mail or some kind of messenger creates in fact a CLOSER relationship than the traditional one? When I come to think of it, the friend I most talk with is not the one who lives a street away from me, but the one who lives in another city, 300 km away. What do you think?
Om - isn't it the case that having a remote boyfriend gives you a cosier relationship with him than if you went out with him every weekend?

I would have to agree with Candeleena on some level. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a serious argument with Charles, and all the little things that I think would normally cause fights just don't seem to matter any more because we're just so happy to talk to each other.

It's also made us much more honest with each other about everything. I don't think there's anything I can't tell him now.
Being so far apart has made us value our relationship even more than before and appreciate the times we do spend together.

I agree that it does add a deeper value to the relationship. I don't think I would have gotten to know Barnaby so well had we not had the email exchanges. We have webcams, but don't like to use them. Every once in a while it's nice to see the persons face, and for that they are nice. But sometimes, especially lately, it's made it more painful.

I do count my blessings that I have the technology to stay in touch like we do. We text pretty much all day, and that is really nice. I think that we probably talk more than we would if we lived in the same city.

He has accepted a job here so it's just a matter of time before relocation. The biggest worry is the children (his, not mine) We both want to make sure we are doing the right thing by them. They are the most important thing. I would never be comfortable with myself or the relationship if I knew I was the one who pulled him away from his kids. So, we are still trying to figure that one out. Yeah, it put a complicated messy spin on things. But, on the upside, he'll never ask me to have kids, as he's already got some. Woo. I don'[t want to be a stepmom though, and am having to deal with that. I might have to go to counciling or something to work through some issues I have with that. But hey, it's worth it.

Ok, that was probably too much information.

Well, everyone has already said this, but from my own personal experience, it's so true: it does hurt, but it's more than worth it. It hurts a lot because you love him a lot. You just need to get through those times you're not together and enjoy the times you are together. Think about the future and talk as much as you can.

It's not for ever. I know how hard it is.

It is: pretty fucking hard. Oh yes.

Like Doors said (very sweetly), sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world, being apart. But you do it cause it's so nice being together again.

And, when depressed about the whole distance thing, I just think how happy I am to be in this relationship at all. And although the distance and the long times between visits suck a lot, I'd travel halfway around the world to see him if i had to

And one day, you'll think back to this time and, if not laugh, then giggle/titter/chuckle wryly. The things we do for love. But, for me, it's much more than worth it.

Me and my partner used to be long distance (only 3 hour drive but still) and it was hard and the phone bills were dreadful and the coordination of schedules on weekends was a major military operation... And it always sucked to part again.

Now we live together, in the same place and everything. We bicker about really stupid stuff, like who leaves more shoes around the place, but I think our relationship is better because it lasted the distance.

Good luck to all those still stuck in different places. ALthough I don't think Doors should be allowed out of Scotland, I think its safer for everyone. Ella can go to Scotland though, she'd add a lot of value to the place

My husband and I were married for about 6 years before we started our long distance relationship, that was about 13 years ago. It hasn't been easy but somehow he's always here when he really needs to be here and I thank God for nationwide cellular service. He needs to do what he does and I need to do what I do and someday we will be able to spend more time together. Until then I am grateful to have him in my life even though I could have done without that (probably) evil sister of his.

So, I have spent the evening crying into my tea because Barnaby called earlier and we had a chat. He's got alot on his plate right now and because it's his last week on this job and he's got alot of sorting out to do, he won't be able to come see me this weekend. We don't know when we'll both be free again to take some time to see each other. But hopefully sooner than later.

Untill then, I want chocolate ice-cream and a good book. I'm reading Thud right now, but it's a bit political and not very funny so far. (cept of course for Nobby Nobbs, he always a larf)

*Hugs Om*
Sorry things got royally screwed up honey. Just keep reading the book, it will get better and funnier.

Just remember, it could be worse -- you could be Rinso!!

Well said, that god of pie.

::hugs Om:: been there. Hopefully, the "sooner" part will come soon! ::knock wood!:: In the meantime, hang in there - Thud DOES get a lot better!

For me, an unexpected side-effect of a long-distance relationship was my turning into a thoroughly insane Velcro Girlfriend during every together-time. A lot of patience had to be mobilized - on both sides

Personally, anything to do with long distance and not seeing poeple has never been an issue - boyfriend or otherwise. It's something to do with travelling as much as I do.

I haven't been in a long distant relationship before - I don't know if I ever would or could but I can see how it could become all the more special.

My brother is...he lives in Scotland, she lives in Australia (Melbourn) and from what I gather, it is not easy. They just saw one another in person for the first time in a year this summer. The minute they got together though they were closer than ever.

They are both students and not rely on parents heavily so lots of long expensive flights are not an easy thing to afford. I can tell it's hard...I can see my brother now, after having had to say goodbye to one another last week, very downhearted and just trying to keep busy.

Keep at it Om, it will be worth the grief when you both find you place together.

A hug for you too, Om.

I was once in a long distance relationship, but it didn't work out. Not for lack of trying on my part. [6 hour train ride that either I only seemed to want to make, or he was a lying SOB who was coming home and not telling me, something which was quite possible due to the event that happened on the day we broke up]
But I think that if you are both dedicated to the relationship, and are willing to work things out, everything will be fine. My own experiences have put me off long distance relationships, but I am never sure if that is because of how he acted, or because of of the distance. My own parents, however, are married 41 years this year, and had a long distance relationship between England and Ireland for about a year. So, you see, it can work out! Best of luck to you both, and hang on in there!

[quote:c37f94b8da="mowgli"]...

For me, an unexpected side-effect of a long-distance relationship was my turning into a thoroughly insane Velcro Girlfriend during every together-time. A lot of patience had to be mobilized - on both sides [/quote:c37f94b8da]

And this is the reason why I'm now known to one of my friends as "two links" ;-)

Mazekin, welcome back! I was sad when you left and am happy to see you again.

Candeleena, it seems to be easier to be more open with someone when there's a computer screen or a phone in between the two. This can allow you to reach a deeper level of intimacy in any sort of relationship quicker (not that that's always a good idea, mind you).

And good luck to Om and Hex. I hope that your men realize what cool people they're with.

[quote:2b979cac5a="Garner"]Grace is the first sane woman I've ever been in a relationship with.[/quote:2b979cac5a]
Hang on, I always thought she accepted to marry you... **goes to check the definition of "sane" in a grammar-nazi dictionary** Oh, ok, right, forget I said anything...

Oh dear... Hubby is not going to like this...


I just don't think it's going to live up to his idea of a threesome...

Wow Rinso. You finally got a girl condemned to marry you. Good on you.

Best of luck Om, Hex, and everyone else with an extended significant other. When it starts to feel like you just can't take it any more, just think of me sitting home alone at nights and weekends and cry yourself to sleep with tears of joy that you at least have SOMEONE to care about your crying.

*looks around to see if inverted pep talk worked*

Rincewind, that is deep.
Well done!

[quote:862d0e413b="redneck"]Wow Rinso. You finally got a girl condemned to marry you. Good on you.

Best of luck Om, Hex, and everyone else with an extended significant other. When it starts to feel like you just can't take it any more, just think of me sitting home alone at nights and weekends and cry yourself to sleep with tears of joy that you at least have SOMEONE to care about your crying.

*looks around to see if inverted pep talk worked*[/quote:862d0e413b]

*pats on back* There there, there there. I'm sure that eventually you'll meet some nice grad student from MSU who doesn't have all gold teeth.

I know Nottingham to Coventry isn't very long distance but we still had to wait to see each other. I used up my holiday quota and a whole load of petrol coming to visit. I didn't think anything could hurt so bad as the first time i had to leave the house knowing i wasn't going to see Dave for a while.

As Doors said. Its worth the heart ache, the crying, the pain (which feels real) the worrying and all the other bad stuff just to see the smile on their face when you walk towards the person you have missed for what seems like a decade.

Its so worth it in the end.

I didn't have to wait long to be with Dave but the months we were apart were hell on earth for me.

Hang in there.

I can't do long distance. I've tried it several times and I suppose there are several different things to blame, but it just never seems to work out. One of us will get a little worried about what the other is doing and the whole deal goes down the tubes. My on again/off again girlfriend of about a year just moved to the other end of the country so for both of our sanity's sake we ended things peacefully and still talk quite often. We both love eachother, but we both agreed neither of us could handle the long distance thing. Whether that means our relationship is weak, I dont know. But I do know that now neither of us feels too much pressure or paranoia etc etc and that laid back attitude certainly helps things. She's moving back in a year so we'll see how things stand then I guess.

I was in another long distance relationship when I was much younger. I ended it because I knew that he wasn't going to give up his life where he was to come live with me, and I wasn't going to give up my life where I was to live with him. I couldn't deal with the constant emotional ups and downs; I needed either a permanent commitment or closure.

We were much too young to make a permanent commitment; if we had decided to live together or get married because we wanted the long-distance relationship to work out, it would have been an awful mistake in the long run.

On the other hand, Jonathan and I got engaged the first time we met in person.

Nester- I don't think it shows weakness. Personally, I'd say that you'd have to be very comfortable with each other to be able to agree so calmly to leave it for now. . .Especially since you both love each other.
Certainly more sensible than trying it again when you know that it probably won't work.

Why is life hard????

So, I thought I would revive this topic because it apears that my relationship is on somewhat shakey ground at the moment.

I'm trying really hard to be understanding, and give him the "space" he needs to sort some things out. I was supposed to be moving there in Jan and he was supposed to be coming here to spend a week next week, that apears to be off, even though he hasn't really said as much, it certainly seems that way.

Some of my co-workers have suggested that he's still actually married. Which I refuse to belive. And I think that even though I could find out, it would be sort of a betrayal of trust.

I cry alot. He tells me to "hang in there" in am email, but we haven't had any real contact for about 10 days. Which is making me crazy.

Did I mention that I've been crying alot?

Posted--and modified--from elsewhere. It should be noted that this is specific to e-relationships...

There's no problem with it at all. It's no more worse than pen-pal relationships. There's the problem with paedophiles and stuff, yes, but unless you are gullible, it really shouldn't be a problem. Some people have the perspective that you don't need to physically touch someone to actually love them, and they really isn't anything anyone else can hold against them for that.

It's all a sense of perspective. The problem with perspective is that there isn't really a right or wrong answer, unless it is actually against the law. Paedophilia is against the law; e-relationships aren't. Some people (such as autism sufferers, or people with incredibly low self-esteem) actually find it more comforting with a person who they can't touch and can't be touched by, because they're either incapable of doing this in real life, or just shit scared about it. The only wrong answer you could have about it is saying 'it's weird and stupid' etc etc, but no-one here is actually doing that.

I think there's probably more to it than that. You can't just call a kid gullible for being tricked into thinking someone they can't see is someone they're not.

Om, I hope everything works out.

Thanks Chris.

[quote:7254f568d4="chrisjordan"][quote:7254f568d4="drunkymonkey"]There's the problem with paedophiles and stuff, yes, but unless you are gullible, it really shouldn't be a problem. [/quote:7254f568d4]

I think there's probably more to it than that. You can't just call a kid gullible for being tricked into thinking someone they can't see is someone they're not.

Om, I hope everything works out.[/quote:7254f568d4]Yeah, perhaps that was generalizing just a little bit. I suppose always bringing a friend along helps (which is what I did when I met a few e-buddies), and making sure you see a video of the person works as well. Also: meeting in a public place is a big necessity.

edit: yeah, good luck Om.

[quote:f73dfa4da6="Ba"]Because if life were easy, the gods would be a lot more bored.[/quote:f73dfa4da6]

hehehe. So true.

My purpose on this earth is but to serve the Gods/God, and if it is by providing the equivalent of a bad tv soap, then I shall do so with flair!

So, it's over.

I called in to work today because I can't seem to be able to face reality at the moment.

He broke up with me via email. What a coward.

aw, om.
that hurts.

if you need to rant, i'm here all day.

I'm sorry, Om.

*huge hugs*

I'm so sorry Om. I'm also free if you feel like ranting later.

Currently suffering strain in my own long distance relationship. Further bulletins as events warrant.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all your concern.

Om - to quote a phrase from "The Lion In Winter" (which I am currently stage-managing) that guy is "a master bastard". It won't be much comfort to you now, but sometime you will realise that you are better off without someone who can break off a relationship by email. In the meantime, you have friends here who will give you what support we can.

Sorry to hear, Om. Someone that'd do that via email isn't really worth anything. To quote a friend of mine: "screw 'em!"

Hugs Om.

You are much better off now.