For those who missed part 1, it's here. Chapter 1 - Butts, the alchemist. In his hiding place, Puss Van Butts the talking cat was beginning to wonder if all this was such a great idea after all. Learning to keep one's mouth shut at the right time seemed to be a valuable quality when living around miss Delphine, and what had started out as a pleasant chat had turned into a fairy-tale nightmare. It was a good job there wasn't any straw around, he reflected, with bitter irony, or she'd probably ask him to spin it into gold. The ship lurched again, sending the glass phials sliding along the crate lid. You could tell this had happened many times before, as there were wooden batons fixed around the edges with random nails. Nail varnish. What on disc had crossed his mind when he had mentioned off-handedly that he had once worked for a great perfumer in Genua ? Growing up in the sheltered island atmosphere of Terrapina, Delphine had no idea of the potential for girlishness that lay beyond the seas in the glistening cities of the discworld, behind shiny shop windows, the lace, the velvet, the sequins... Puss sighed and added a couple more drops of red paint to his mixture, and the ship lurched the other way, sending the ballroom-dancing phials back across the wood. Ah, ballroom dancing, one of the few arts of the mundane world that Puss had never managed to master. It was all a question of height, he insisted, although there were dwarfs shorter than he was on his hind paws who managed perfectly well... Well, height and having your knees on backwards. Delphine was still under the curse of silence the Captain had laid on her, and none of the crew would bend this rule, and so the unfortunate cat had become, when she smuggled him on board, her only confidant. And the girl could talk ! On his many years of travel across the disc, he had met many vaporous females who could chat idly for hours, but Delphine's chattering had a speed and a pitch that set it in a category of its own. The only way he could get a work in edgewise was by telling her about the exotic places and people he had encountered, the novelty of it seemed to shut her up temporarily, and the sound of his own voice was a refreshing change. And at some point, he had mentioned the painted nails of the ladies who would come to buy perfume at MonsieurDelapue's perfume shop. She had immediately become obsessed by this minor fashion detail and had insisted that Puss make her some nail varnish, to complement her red plaid outfit. He heard movement in the room on the other side of the thin planking behind him, and turned to look through the small knot hole in one of the planks. The hole overlooked part of the women's quarters, he couldn't see much, but he had sometimes seen enough for the hole to be worthwhile. He justified this to his long-suffering conscience by reminding it that he was a male cat, a tom, and therefore he was genetically obliged to peek from time to time. Besides, he was only on the lookout to make sure he wasn't discovered and thrown off the ship, he knew the Captain wouldn't appreciate a stowaway. When Fairy had left the room, he turned back to his make-shift workbench, replaced the lid of the phial and shook it to mix the ingredients. Well, it would do. Basically it was a mixture of tar, varnish and hull paint, but then the ingredients for the original thing were more or less the same things with moreglamorous names. -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- "Let go of me !!!" shrieked the blonde female in a lacy white nightdress. Death looked at her with what would have been a puzzled face complete with raised eyebrows, if he had had any eyebrows... or indeed face. "MADAM, THAT WAS A HIGHWAYMAN, HE WANTED TO STEAL YOUR MONEY AND RAVISH YOU ! I HAVE SAVED YOU !" The furious woman shook her arm free from his bony grip and put her hands on her hips in the internationally understandable gesture that appeals to male instincts everywhere screaming "run, you're in trouble !". As she yelled, she advanced on the caped crusader who found himself backing off in spite of himself. "I've been driving round for hours and hours trying to get myself ravished you stupid man !! Do you have any idea how bloody cold it is in a nightdress like this ?? Who asked you to poke your nose into other people's private business anyway !! Now unless you are planning on ravishing me would you please sod off !" "UNFORTUNATELY, MADAM, I AM NOT EQUIPPED FOR THAT TASK..." answered the dark figure, who backed off and vanished in a roar of machinery, adding to himself that it wasn't all that unfortunate for him, after all. He was beginning to think that helping people wasn't going to be as easy as he thought.
it's on its way, I want to get a few episodes written to make sure the story doesn't fall over when I'm not looking...
Chapter 2 - Are we nearly there yet ? "Soul Cake Island ?" "Well, that's what I heard..." The rumour was making its way around the deck, after two weeks of sailing due rimwards, even the youngest sailors were wondering where they could be going, there weren't many known islands in that direction, and the captain's silence left room for plenty of speculation. Although Buzzfloyd had kept her secret as promised, the legend of the mysterious Soul Cake Island and its treasure (nowhere in themultiverse can an island be mysterious without having a treasure, of course) had wormed itself into the idle brains of the crew. "Psst, Mal, have you heard ?" The ship's carpenter, sitting on a swing-like harness over the side of the ship, looked up at Fairy, the sailor who had called down to him. He was gripping a few nails between his lips, so he gestured to her that he hadn't heard her. She smiled in a conspirational way, and lowered her head a few inches towards him. "Soul Cake Island, Mal, that's where they say he's taking us !" Maljonic shrugged, not unkindly, and turned his concentration back to his work. The tanned leather of his bald skull was getting browner by the hour, but the job had to be done. He wasn't the kind of sailor to be easily distracted by gossip. In fact, he wasn't a sailor at all, and three days before, he hadn't even been on board, although, if you asked any of the crew, they would swear he had always been there. The racing water beneath his sandalled feet was a deep blue that had been getting imperceptibly lighter for the last two days, they would soon be nearing the island. If Maljonic wasn't all that shaken by Fairy's stop-press news, it was not just because he was busy. He already knew where they were going. And what would happen when they got there. Fairy wandered back to the group of sailors who were lazily playing cards and chatting on the sun-drenched deck. Delphine was sunning herself in a corner, keeping well away from the mast and Garner's pranks. She had learnt quite a few lessons since she had boarded the Curry Bean, and since leaving Banghbanghduc, she had even become a model of quietness and obedience, something Buzzfloyd for one would never have thought possible, and for which all were grateful. But suddenly the peaceful tableau was troubled by a terrible howling from below deck. Delphine leaped to her feet and ran below, leaving a bemused assembly of sailors standing around looking at each other with faces that all said the same thing "what has she done now ?". They didn't have to wait for long, however, as a streak of ginger appeared from the hatch a moment later and disappeared into the open barrel of drinking water beside the galley door. A cloud of steam appeared from the barrel, which luckily had been almost empty, and as it was clearing, Delphine reappeared up the gangway, at the same time as the damp head of a feline rose from the barrel. When whatever god was responsible for animals designed the cat, he (or she) for some reason built in a natural gift for looking totally innocent even with one paw stuck in the biscuit tin and crumbs all over their fur. Puss put on his best act, but even the pleading gaze of his wide open opaline eyes couldn't excuse the fact that he was there. In fact, their presence rather defeated that argument altogether... Sacharissa, who had witnessed the captain's refusal of the cat's offer, was lost for words. The idea that in some way or another Delphine was behind this was pretty obvious, even to those who hadn't known about the strange creature. The cat climbed out of the barrel, taking care not to put any weight on his front left paw, which was looking distincly singed. He dropped down to the deck, onto his hind paws, and nursing the blackened limb, he sidled away from the crowd towards the nearest doorway. Unfortunately, it happened to be the door to captain's cabin.
Chapter 3 - Cat on a hot [-]tin roof[/-] wooden deck Captain Karies happened to be on his way out of his cabin after hearing the noise on deck when Puss was trying to escape discreetly, and he backed straight into the Captain's boots. Thehublander looked down at the embarrassed feline and raised an eyebrow. And then, to every-one's great surprise, he shrugged, turned around and walked back to his desk. The assembled sailors stared wide-eyed at the scene, the Captain should have gone red and launched into a rant, or even better kicked the cat directly off the ship without a word or a second thought. To see him so calm was actually quite upsetting to the crew, who, as any upset crowd will, decided to take things into their own hands. All eyes turned from the soggy moggy to Delphine, who had wisely chosen to stay back from where everything was happening, and Puss chose this moment to run for the open hatch that lead to the galley anddisappear down it. Delphine arranged her red outfit and put on her most suitable perfectly innocent expression, then shrugged at the situation, hoping that, to what was rapidly becoming an angry mob, albeit without the traditional torches and pitchforks, this would mean "What a strange creature I wonder how it got here, as I clearly have nothing to do with all this !". Unfortunately, the crew, as one, took this to mean "Oops I did it again", and as would be expected, this did not exactly meet with great success. As they moved towards her, a disgruntled cat squeal came from the galley, and Hsing appeared on deck, dragging Puss by the scruff of his neck. "He vas trying to hide in ze cabbage !" She stated with disgust, marching towards Delphine and dropping the cat in a damp, burned, cabbage-scented heap on the decking. He sat there, looking up at the crew and Delphine with his best "pity me" look. It wasn't working very well on anyone but the girl, as was to be expected. He turned to Hsing and regained his usualhaughtiness. "Madamm, I was not hiding in your... Cabbage." He almost spat the word as hard as he would have a piece of the vegetable. "I slipped onde greasy floor and fell into de tub. It is a dangerous place your kitchen, yes !" Hsing opened her mouth to argue, but the notion "talking cat" made it to her brain before it could deliver any instructions to her mouth. So it just remained open, as did the mouths of the rest of the crew, except of course Sacharissa and Delphine. As many people in themultiverse have discovered, to their shame, there is only one thing worse than an angry crowd, and that's a gawping one. -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- "ALBERT, PLEASE." "Look, Master, you launched into this thing as usual, well fine, I can't stop you, I know that much by now. But I'm not joining in. Especially in... those !" "ALBERT, I NEED YOUR HELP. PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEM." "Well I can tell you this much, Master, the first reflex of any right-minded human when seeing a guy dressed in a colourful pair of tights is either to runaway as fast as possible or to kick him in thewossnames and pinch 'is money ! Neither of them're gonna help you..." "I SEE." Albert looked up at the bony face of Death. "Do you Sir ? Do you really ?" Death, as far as it is possible with no skin or muscles, let alone wool, looked sheepish. "ERR... ACTUALLY ? NO."
Chapter 4 - Water Ship Down "Leesten, people, please, I am a Cat, you know, and ah, we don't like... you know... W.A.T.E.R... It's too... wet..." Puss N. Butts took another step backwards, another few and he would have his back to the gunwale. The crew, after having conquered their initial wave of surprise, had decided that not only was a talking fur-ball probably bad luck, but having also messed up a whole tub of preserved cabbage (although they were secretly thankful for this) and a quarter-barrel of drinking water, and even having the nerve to have eaten down to the last rat on the ship (an important stock of live meat, as any sailor knows) Butts was definitely not welcome on board the Curry Bean and Delphine had had no chance whatsoever of convincing them. The cat took another step backwards as the crew, Doors in the lead, advanced on him. "RAAAAAAAAAFT !" came the cry from above, and as all the sailors raised their heads, Puss took his last chance to race for a hiding place. He made the hatch barely in time, jumped the companionway in two bounds and disappeared into his usual hiding place. Safe for a minute or two. On deck, curiosity had saved the cat, just for once, as all the sailors rush to the starboard side, following the direction Garner was showing them from the bird's nest. They peered towards the horizon, not far away, only slightly off their current course, was a raft, and standing on it, a strange white figure seemed to be waving its arms in circles. The captain wandered out on deck, at the cry from the lookout, and gazed at the raft through his "tube for making things look bigger" (a BSJ production). "Grace, can you alter our course so we pass close enough to salvage that raft ? Make sure we get back on course once it's done." Buzzfloyd nodded, and went up to the wheel to chart the changes. The captain scratched his beard and looked straight at the horizon. "Ach, Cap'n, doo ya really think it's a guid ideah taking on yet another person ? Ah mean, that cat has..." "Doors," interrupted Karies "go below, to the ladies' quarters and remove the planking behind Delphine's bunk, you'll find Master butts in there, hiding, don't be too harsh with him. Bring him up to my cabin, we need to discuss a few things." Leaving the wood-troll completely stumped, Captain Karies wandered back to his quarters, looking strangely relaxed considering the agitation amongst the crew. As the raft and the ship moved closer together, the crew could gradually make out what was on board. It was a strange thing, not a person at all. A rounded cone shape with what looked like antennae or rabbit ears protruding from the top. The "ears" were mobile and swayed gently as the wind blew them. The arrival of the strange artifact sent more rumours through the already troubled crew, and debate ran like fever on the potential positive or negative powers of such a strange thing. But orders were orders, and the object was hauled aboard and stood on the deck. The raft sank as soon as the object was removed from it, as if, despite its weight, the artifact had been keeping the wooden planks afloat.
Chapter 5 - Curiosity and the Kat Garner, having left the crow's nest duty to Chris for a shift, swaggered across the deck towards the strange white cone. When it came to swaggering, and pirates are natural experts when it comes to swaggering, everyone agreed that Garner was the best swaggerer on the ship. If only he hadn't had that strange twangy accent, and conformed to what is known on our world as "west-country", he would have been the perfect pirate, despite his lack of eye-patch and wooden leg. And parrot. He poked it. It swung an ear randomly in his direction. If things were fair, the exchange would have finished here, but life isn't fair, otherwise things like this wouldn't happen. On its way round, the ear caught the unsuspecting Garner on the shin and caused him a fair amount of pain and the usual hopping-about-and-cussing that is recognized all over the multi-verse except on one strange world whose only population are pink flamingos, where this behaviour is considered a more passionate form of courtship. Luckily, there were no flamingos around when Garner hopped backwards into Hsing, who was carrying a bucket of slops to throw over the side. After Puss's impromptu visit to the galley, the slops were mainly made up of cabbage, and so, for the second time in a confined narrative space, a Comical Bucket Situation Involving Cabbage occurred. And although the crew of the Curry Bean did not notice its effects, this caused a small wave in the intergalactic humour continuum which caused a previously well-aimed custard pie, somewhere in Klatch, to land on the floor, custard upwards, and no-one to slip on it. This is in fact a lot more important than it sounds. It also caused Garner to cuss mightily. Sitting cross-legged on the deck, next to the cone, Buzzfloyd and Sacharissa exchanged the looks of those who are laughing hard inside and desperately trying not to show it. To avoid temptation, Grace tried to concentrate on what she was doing. The course was set, there were no more immediate casualties, and the two most scientifically minded sailors had decided to inspect their salvaged object. She prodded the corner of the small panel they had discovered with her screwdriver. It opened to reveal a button, made of the same strange white material as the rest of the object, and an inscription. "Kat 1.0", said the inscription. "Do not feed me after midnight, do not give me beer, do not do that Dave." Strange, thought Buzzfloyd, as she pressed the button, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before...
Chapter 6 - Skullcrusher mountain "Hmm." The tall figure in white looked at the object it was holding, turning it over in his hands. "Ba is pleased with your attempt, but make it bigger. And add some sound effects, smiting is no fun if it does not involve sound effects." The minion nodded, his eyes still wide open with an air of lingering surprise. He barely glanced at the heap of green jelly on the floor next to him, hardly an arm's length away. He took the strange silver object from Ba's extended hand, turned and walked to the door of the room. The door slid open with a whooshing sound that must have been very pleasing to his master. His knees held out all the way to the laboratory, and then carried him as far as a metal stool and allowed him to collapse. Still wearing his expression of calm shock, he placed the silver object, shaped not unlike a strange, deformed banana, onto the workbench and let his hand drop back down into his lap. "Sam ?" asked a concerned-sounding female voice from behind him, "What's the matter, didn't it work? Didn't he like it?" Sam shook his head, and managed to say just 2 words. "It works" "So what's the matter?" enquired the voice, as its owner emerged from a heap of wires and metallic parts. The small, dark-haired woman stood up and walked over to Sam's slumped figure, she placed a friendly hand on his shoulder. He barely reacted. "Sam, what is it?" she asked, walking around to face him. "Where... Where's Kenny?" Sam swallowed hard, he couldn't look her in the face. He just shook his head. "No. NO!" Marcia recoiled, clamping a hand over her mouth, her knuckles turning white. She backed into the wall and slid down it to the floor. Her eyes were as wide open in shock as Sam's, now, and she began to shake her head in disbelief, slowly at first, then faster, until she slowed again and stopped, finally coming to grips with what Sam had not been able to put words to. Sam swallowed again, and licked his lips with a tongue that seemed as dry as parchment. "He killed Kenny." "The bastard!"
Ba is involved in this story. And he does some smiting. It has become 90% less rubbish purely by that inclusion.
It's nice to see this being continued. I just recently stumbled across it when checking the archives for messed up threads and was thinking wether we'd see another chapter.
Chapter 7 - Moonlight Serenade On the deck of the Curry Bean, most of the crew had gone below, leaving only the few sailors on the night shift to see the beauty of the crystal-white moonlight shimmering on the surface of the tranquil sea. Well, they would have if they weren't playing cards, sitting in a rough circle near the base of the mast. Alone at the wheel, more out of habit than necessity as the wind had dropped completely earlier in the evening, Grace Buzzfloyd was the only one gazing out across the rippling surface. She was running the recent events through her brain and trying to make some sense of them. A talking feline stowaway, the strange white object that was still sitting on the deck not far from her card-playing fellow sailors, and stranger than anything, the captain's apparent apathy towards both strange events. His lack of reaction was what troubled her the most, the Captain was usually prone to strong reactions, curiosity, anger, joy, he had quite a passionate personality. Yet since they had set out fromTerrapina , he had been oddly calm, hardly reacting, even to Delphine's major cock-ups... Was it concentration, she wondered, the idea of achieving a goal that obviously counted a lot to him? The excitement of their quest? Or was it something else, was something wrong? A quest. Yes, she hadn't really though about it in those terms, but it was, a search for the impossible, a journey into the unknown... But why? Treasure was an obvious reason, too obvious really, there were many tales of greater treasures, maybe even easier treasures to find, so why Soul Cake Island? She cursed the lack of books on board the ship, they only carried the minimum, and it was at times like this that she dreamed of the libraries of the universities ofGenua or Ankh-Morpork , with their thousands of books, their bookcases reaching upwards and inwards as far as the eye could see. She had visited a few libraries on her travels, it was one of her guilty pleasures whenever the ship dropped anchor in a city large enough to have one, just as some sailors drank their time away or visited the less reputable ladies of the city. Wouldn't it be a thing of wonder to be able to access all that knowledge at will, without having to go all the way there? She wondered if any of the Disc's wizards had devised a spell that would allow them to do that, for that would be true powerful... Yes, she thought, returning from her self-inflicted side-track, there must be a more complex reason to the Captain's change of mood, one that she couldn't grasp right know, she would have to look into it later... Her train of thought was brutally derailed by a voice, a strange voice, metallic and somehow unreal, with a strange echo to it. It was singing. "I know it's coming there's gonna be violence. I've done as much as I'm willing to do." She looked around, down onto the deck at the other sailors who had stopped playing and were exchanging looks of surprise, curiosity and, for some, a hint of fear. The source of the voice seemed to dawn on them all at the same moment, and all eyes turned to the strange whiteartifact . The ears were swinging, they had been since the thing was first sighted the day before, but it was only now that Buzzfloyd realised that there was no longer any wind to blow them gently to and forth. Now they were rotating with a certain look of mechanical purpose, matching the rhythm of the song, or rather the fragment of song that it kept repeating. She anchored the wheel with the leather strap out of habit, and walked briskly down the steps to the main deck, to join the others who were now all gawping open-mouthed at the object. On what must be the front of the object - given that the hatch she had opened was on the other side - a strange light was glowing red, pulsing slowly, like a giant heart. Then, as suddenly as it had begun, the song, although it was more of a chant, with no music to accompany it, ended, and the light disappeared. "Ach." grumbled the low thick voice of the wood troll standing beside her. "'Tis bewitchified Ah tells ya ! Eets tha deeval's wirk..." "You know," she answered after a moment's thought, "you may just be right Doors, you may just be right."
