Spewed Forth By Our Sorry Brains

So, after passing on the more difficult but probably more worthwhile movie thread to Spiky, I thought I'd start up another continuous story type thing, but one that requires less time and effort and can be added to whenever anyone has a spare minute.

Here are some magical non-rules:

(1) In this one, the length and quality of your submission is entirely up to you. It can be a few lines long, several paragraphs, half a sentence, or even a single word.

(2) It can be about anything.

(3) If you don't like it, you can end it and start a new one at any time. Just make it nice and obvious when you do.

That is all. Let us begin.

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Alice did not know what to do about the penguin. How had it ever fallen down the well?

Actually, she knew exactly how. It had tried wearing her shoes, even after she had told it not to. The penguin was a moron. She should have bought a goat instead, but the penguin had shown her that tiresome magic trick. She did not know, now, why she had found it so impressive.

Alice sighed and peered over the edge. The well was too deep and too dark for the penguin to be seen. She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted

"Don't panic! I'll find something to help." Quickly she turned out the contents of her pockets and looked at what she had found. A half eaten pickled walnut, an elastic band, three postage stamps and an old tax demand. "How can I rescue you with any of these?" she cried tearfully, when suddenly she remembered

that she hated the penguin.

She threw the half-eaten walnut down the well. 'There's your sustenance, penguin!' she called down to it. 'You can have a fish tomorrow!'

Alice then turned her attention back to the stamps. She looked furtively around, then licked them. She had acquired a certain addiction for the taste, and made sure that she always had a sufficient supply. But her supply, she noted, was dwindling. She would have to make a trip to the post office soon.

For now, she let the stamp sit on her tongue and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she saw

a glittering ball of light hovering over the mouth of the well. Slowly it drifted towards her and took on a different shape. As she watched it, it gradually tuned into a blue box like object. Slowly the doors slid apart. A small man in a uniform looked out at her and said, "Can I give you a lift?"

Alice could only nod as her lips were stuck together from sucking glue off the stamp.

"Well?" said the man, "the least you could do for my kind offer is

eat my brains.'

Alice raised an eyebrow.

'Well, I'm not using them,' said the small man in the uniform. He shrugged and took off his hat. 'And to be honest,' he told her, 'I don't really want them anyway. They're kind of obsolete these days, what with television.'

'Well...' said Alice.

'It'd be a shame for them to go to waste,' the small man insisted.

'That's true,' agreed Alice. And so she obliged.

'Weird,' she said, after. 'Those brains tasted strangely like

that awful tapioca pudding I used to have at boarding school or wait, no, more like the porridge my great-aunt Tallulah served to us when we visited her and my uncle Aloisius on their asparagus plantation during the holidays.

Her thoughts drifted back through the years to the vast estate and the dreary house known as Groinprodder Hall.

She remembered the three day journey in the back of the small carriage, the long tree-lined drive leading up to the entrance and the sudden shock, as she approached the massive double doors of seeing them beng slowly opened by

a large, blue, clockwork frog wearing a sou'wester and wellington boots.
"Weirder still," thought Alice, "a frog wearing boots. How will he be able to swim when he goes into the water?"

"Ribbit," said the frog as though reading her mind. "Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit."
Alice detectd a sense of urgency about the frog's behaviour, although she wished she could understand what it was actually trying to say to her.

Nevertheless, she followed it as it clanked its way into the house and along a short corridor to the kitchen.

"Hmm, something smells good," said a voice in her ear "would you like something more to eat?"

Turning around slowly, Alice was not surprised to see

The small man in the uniform. " I don't know why you came back with me to this memory, you never were here before"
" you hadn't EATEN MY BRAINS before" the small man appeared a little aggrieved but Alice wasn't about to-

accept that as an excuse. 'Get out; you have no right!' She kicked the small man, then slapped him, then kicked him again.

The small man yelped accordingly. 'It's simple science fiction!' he cried. 'You ingested my brain, so now you've assimilated me--'

'You dirty little creep!' screamed Alice, picking up the frog and beating the small man over the head with it. 'That doesn't even make sense! Get out, get out, get out!'

Ribbit, echoed the pained memory of the frog. Alice was suddenly back by the well. She blinked.

The small man looked flustered. 'I'm not giving you a lift now,' he said.

Alice strangled him with the elastic band and threw him aside. Then she climbed aboard the blue box and

was about to close the door when she felt her ankle grasped by a firm hand. She looked down to see a strange new man in the same old uniform. He grasped the edge of the blue box with the other hand and pulled himself up as she struggled to get free. They bith landed, panting, on the floor of the blue box, which strangely seemed a lot bigger inside than it had on the outside.

"I'm not. That easy. To kill." panted the strange man, "and now you have eaten my brains, I can find you wherever you go..."

Alice stared at him, and then looked around at her new surroundings. Her gaze suddenly came to rest on the

penguin, who had managed to reacquaint itself with her shoes.

"How many more times?" She shouted at it, "shoes are not for birds! Flightless or otherwise."

Alice cursed the penguin once more, if it could fly, they would have been able to escape this blue box/well and she could have escaped the man.

"You can't escape me," said the man, seemingly reading her thoughts, "You

cabbage.'

Alice glared at him. She did not take kindly to such offensive language.

So she killed the small man. Killed him dead. Forever.

The penguin had never seen a tax demand used like that.

Alice turned to him. 'So,' she said. 'I see

you appreciate the cutting edge technology of the Inland Revenue." (IRS)

She advanced towards the penguin, waving the tax demand menacingly in front of its face.

"Gurk," squawked the penguin as it tried to dodge the piece of flapping paper. and the freshly severed head.

"Don't think you are going to get off lightly this time," snarled Alice as her fingers found the rubber band again.

Suddenly, she reached out towards the penguin and

realised it was wearing her ugliest pair of shoes.

"Okay, maybe you can be useful after all. I needed to clean out my closet anyway. But be warned, you come near these..." she kicked her kitten heels playfully "...and you'll be evicted from this box, no matter the altitude."

She then nudged the severed head with the toe of her shoe and saw it plummet head first (of course) into the well.

"There. Now to explore this thang." (Some of the langage from her plantation days hadn't yet worn off).

She peered at one of the walls and noticed that it was covered in rows of buttons, each one a different shape, size and texture. Her gaze was caught by a small, smooth one, shaped like a

damn tea trolley's stuck on the lower sub-, lower sub 2-, sub-sub, sub-basement level."

Nervously he turned to a gigantic monitor on the far wall...

"Mercy on us, it's still got ninety five levels to cover" he wailed "...and there's only one penguin** left."

**Bad pun on a well known brand of chocolate biscuits!

Chaos ensued. People who had been hand-picked by top officials for their ability not to panic in severe situations; panicked.
Others who had never really understood what they were supposed to do in these situations, rapidly tried to speed read the instructions they had discarded to the bottom drawers of their desks.

Meanwhile, Alice looked at the button again.

"Maybe," she thought, "if I just

Press Every Single Button, Something Minutely Interesting Will Happen."

Satisfied with her ability to think in Capitalized Words, she set about pressing all of the buttons. Some of them clicked, some beeped, some swore loudly as they were depressed, toggled or switched... but nothing exciting happened.

Alice sat down on the large, white, round, plastic seat in the centre of the box and rested her chin on her hands.

"Why isn't anything happening?!" she screamed at the penguin, who stared mutely back at her, and continued to grow.

'What? Grow?', she thought. Then it occurred to her that the penguin wasn't growing, (Nor was she shrinking. She had left the shrinking potion next to the looking glass inside her cottage).

The large white round plastic seat in the middle of the box was in fact, a large white round plastic button! It was slowly sinking into the floor under her weight! Suddenly she heard a click, and then

Nothing happened.

It didn't happen again a few minutes later as Alice looked around her and discovered she was now at the bottom of another deep hole with a large white, plastic dome in the centre.

"Why me," she wailed to no one in particular. " What have I done to deserve a day like today?"

Still nothing happened.

"I've got to try and help myself," she thought as the nothing went on happening.

She put her hand into her pocket to find a handkerchief. As she pulled out the large square of cotton, she heard a metallic tinkle as something small and glittery fell on to the floor.

She looked at it. Still nothing happened.

"Of course!" she exclaimed, "if I'd known I had this with me, we could be miles away from here by now."

It was now the 'something' decided to happen. A glossy black feather floated down from above and landed on the handkerchief she'd dropped on the floor.

"Of course," she cried out, again. "All I have to do is

wait!"

She sat down on the black feather that was on the handkerchief and shut her eyes very tightly. The seconds passed as she waited, humming to herself the dirty songs they used to sing on the plantation.

Suddenly, a dead Penguin fell on her head.

Alice was distraught. "You poor penguin," she cried, stroking it's feathered head, "never again will you perform your much discussed but never actually described magic trick... How could my day get any worse?" She stupidly asked.

As if on cue, a scream came from

the surrounding crowd.
"A crowd," thought Alice. "What crowd?"

She suddenly realized that she may have been day-dreaming.

Slowly, as her confusion began to form reality, she looked around her. The handkerchief was now the crash mat surrounding the black, glossy shape of a mechanical bull.

"Ya har!" shouted one onlooker, "C'mon girlie, you're doin' really good... another ten seconds and the championship is yours."

As full reality hit Alice, she had to hang on tighter to the spinning, leaping form to prevent herself from being thrown to the floor.

"Five... four... three... two... one..." called the crowd as cheering broke out and reached thunderous proportions.

"Well done Miss" said a voice as the bull slowed to a standstill. Alice looked down and saw a small man in full evening dress, looking a little like a penguin.
"You're Shuffle, the butler aren't you" said Alice.
"Yes Miss," said Shuffle "and I'm really proud of you for taking up the challenge."
"The challenge?" said Alice.
"Yes miss, if you hadn't entered the challenge and won it would have meant your old aunt would have had to sell off the remaining pig to raise the rent money for her house."

As reality finally descended on Alice, she now knew what was happening.
Her aged aunt Vermilion, who didn't give so much of a damn as her sister Scarlett, had wasted the family fortune on 'various trifles', had gained a somewhat dubious reputation, but had had a lot of fun along the way.

Alice had seen the posters for the challenge as she'd stood outside the local branch of Sainsbury's.
"Well, we need to eat" she thought and had entered her name knowing that if she won a 'Five Minute Trolley Dash' around the store it would keep them fed for another week.

As the manager came forward to make the presentation, Shuffle edged towards the exit.

"What would you like me to do now, Miss?" he asked just as

she spotted Eric Byford, the crime-fighting-ninja-trolley-boy whom she used to sit next to in French class back at the bayou school; she remembered he always smelt strangely of almonds...

"Well, Shuffle, could you please get me out of here before that idiot wants me to see his etchings again - I've never seen such drivel!"

"Of course, my lady," said Shuffle, taking his glasses off, breathing on one of the lenses and then rubbing it furiously on his waistcoat. But as he rubbed, the lens expanded till it was quickly larger than a dinner plate, then larger than a bathtub, until it was roughly the size of her mother's ceremonial cauldron (the special one with dragon-shaped handles that she only used on Tuesdays).

"Climb in, my lady - this cauldron will take us anywhere in the world you want to go."

"Well, first, lets go to the bakery aisle, I quite fancy a cream cake after all that toreador-type behaviour." No sooner was it said than Alice was tucking into a huge specimen of Sainsbury's finest.

"Ah yes, this is the life, a great glass cauldron that will take me anywhere filled with a week's worth of shopping. Wonderful! Where shall we go next, I wonder?"

But Shuffle had noticed

that Eric, the crime-fighting-ninja-trolley-boy whom she used to sit next to in French class, had followed them -undoubtedly using one of his crime-fighting-ninja-trolley-boy skills- and was surreptitiously tucking into a cream filled pastry, the kind Alice had wanted but had not been able to find, as his greedy hand had snatched it away moments before they had arrived at that aisle.

"Miss, I think we better be on our way soon, no matter where, because we have company." Shuffle remarked, as the cauldron slowly rose up into the air. The baguettes and small cheeses were weighing it down somewhat.

"Oh, really? And who might that beeee-ouch!"

Eric had swooped forward, in amazing ninja-trolley-boy style, and held in his hand a chunk of Alice's hair. Triumph, and then confusion reigned in his eyes, as he fell away from the cauldron, chunk of hair, and the rest of the wig clutched in his hand.

Shuffle looked at Alice in surprise. The girl-next-door golden locks had been replaced by shaggy spiked hair in red, black and pink.

"M-m-miss? Your h-h-hair.....?" stammered a confused Shuffle.

"Yes well. One can't go around looking provincial all of the time." She flashed a wicked grin at him and tilted her head rakishly. "What? Don't you like it?"

She shook her head then, making the hair go a little bit wilder, and Shuffle even noticed the glint of a piercing or two, previously hidden under the long, calm locks of the wig.

"N-n-no, it's fine." he said, strightening his tie. The only girls he'd seen like this had been on the news, caught after graffiti-ing walls of the city, and heckling morris men who came from the country.

Shuffle came from an old family....and a very traditional one at that. This was a whole new arena for him. The thing that really perplexed him was, how had the wig stayed on while she was riding the mechanical bull? Women. They were like otherworldly aliens to him. Growing up with older brothers had meant he led a sheltered life - sheltered by the crates he hid under, while his older brothers hunted for their live punching bag. He had been so busy avoiding their wrath and mischief, that he hadn't had the time to worry about women!

Realising they had reached the celing, and were at present out of reach of the trolley boy, Alice pondered about where they should go next. Where did every girl want to go, once freed from a life of poverty and boredom, and stocked up with food?

"Shuffle, take us to

a ladies' restroom.
Without a second's hesitation the cauldron moved towards the exit of the store.
"You know", said Alice, "people always forget that even though we are mythical characters, we still have to answer nature's call."
"Yes, Miss", said Shuffle, realizing that this topic was not one people would care to read about.

"We're there, Miss"

"What, already?" said Alice.

"Yes, Miss"

"So how do we get this thing to land, so I can climb out?"

"I think you just have to say the word, Miss and it does what you want."

The cauldron, meanwhile, was hovering over a small building at the edge of an unknown town.

"Let's go for it," said Alice as she started to climb over the edge.

Just as she was about to drop onto Terra Firma, Shuffle approached with a small plastic object.

"Excuse me, Miss, its the screaming again. It seems to be coming from this..."

He held out his hand.

Alice reached forward slowly and

took the object out of his hand.

"Where did you find this? I've been looking all over for it."

Shuffle gestured to the mass of food piled up in the cauldron. "It was under the penguins."

"Don't tell me there's a penguin in there? And more than one?" Alice asked, thinking of the dream she had had.

The screaming continued.

"They're my favourites..." Shuffle replied, looking somewhat abashed. Alice looked at his hand and saw that he was not, in fact holding a bird of the Antarctic, but a packet of biscuits.

"Alright, nevermind." She pushed a button on the plastic contraption, and the screaming stopped. Well the ringtone did, but there was now some screaming coming from the speaker.

"WHAT IN THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG?!" It was her aunt.
"I MEAN, HERE I AM SURROUNDED BY THESE GOONS AND YOU-" the screeching was abruptly cut off.

"Hello-

whatshername again?"
"Alice."
"Alice?.....Alice? Who the !$#& is Alice?"

"-Alice. I understand you may be confused." Said a cool voice.

'Not as confused as he is'...thought Alice

"I am here with your aunt Mauve-"

"thats not her name!"
"well what is it?"
"Errm....Crimson? no no wait it's Terracotta....errm, Rose... no no wait, I've got it! Carmine....aha! Burgun-"

"IT'S VERMILLION YOU FOOLS!" screamed her irate aunt.

" Ah...yes. Your aunt Vermillion. Now. give us the penguin and no-one gets hurt."

"But they're on sale at Sainsbur-"

"NOT the biscuits. I hope you understand me perfectly. We want the penguin, and we want it's magic trick. You have 12 hours. I will contact you again."

Alice heard a click and she pocketed the phone.

"But that was just a dream...." she muttered.

"Miff?" Said Shuffle, telltale crumbs in the corner of his mouth.

"Get in the cauldron Shuffle. We have to go....but first I have to go. Wait here."

Alice went to answer nature's call, all the while thinking about the last call. Whatever could they mean? The penguin was just in her dream...wasn't it? And anyway, it had died...She returned to the cauldron.

"Shuffle, we must go and see Ophelia Phoenix."

"Who?"

"That's not her real name of course, she just thought it sounded mysterious. Her real name is

Donna Jocasta Naomi Iolanthe Myrtle Bogbrüsche."

"I see," mumbled Shuffle, "I suppose she changed it because it lent itself to cheap toilet humour?"

"Well, that was one reason," said Alice, "the others aren't important right now. All I know is we must see her and give her this... "

Alice paled as she pulled her hand out of her pocket. It was empty.

"Oh, Shuffle," she wailed, "I've lost it!"

"Lost what, Miss?" asked Shuffle.

"Well, I remember being in a hole with a large white mound in the centre. I pulled out my handkerchief and I thought I heard a metallic tinkling noise. It must have been then I dropped it."

"But what was IT?" Shuffle almost shouted.

"A small, glittery thing," said Alice,"I didn't know what it was but I had this feeling it could have helped me in some way. That's why I felt the need to visit Ophelia."

"Just a minute," said Shuffle as he felt in his inside pocket, "I found this just as we climbed into the cauldron."

He open his hand and produced a dead goldfish.

Alice looked closely at the goldfish. It had a small label tied to it's tail. It said - FRY ME.

"Weirder and weirder," thought Alice.
She would have thought, "Curiouser and curiouser," but she was afraid of copyright laws.

Shuffle didn't think anything. His hand was coming out of another pocket holding a

large black frying pan and a small calorgas camping stove.

"Shall we?" he asked tentatively.

"This cauldron is a tad small for this, isn't it Shuffle?" she snorted.

"Not if we go further in, where the treeline ends," Shuffle explained, and Alice realised that the fur coat she was sitting on seemed rather damp. She pulled it up and put it on, the felt down again to feel, to her astonishment, the folliage of a Scots Pine.

Shuffle began climbing down through the branches that had formed what she had thought was the base of the cauldron and indicated for Alice to follow him. "The trunk is a bit slippery, Miss, but we'll be safe once we're down".

Having precariously descended to the forest floor, Alice looked around and could see snow all around, but no sign of the cauldron at all.

"How is it possible that we can be inside an oversized saucepan and walking around a forest?" she asked her chilly companion. "I generally find, miss, that when diseased minds are at work, it's best not to ponder those sorts of questions."

"Fair enough. Shall we fry the fish?"

Meanwhile on a small planet, one of several thousand, in a galaxy quite close to home, the chief cashier of Weeblegrunt and Lurdlemeer (Turf Accountants) wearily opened his lunch box and peered inside.

"Let's see what Mrs. Wxxtyldrid has given me for lunch," he thought. Being a member of a highly telepathic race he didn't like to waste words asking questions.

"Ho ho," thought his colleague, "looks like friend Czatloid is still in the bad books with his wife."

"Looks very much like it, Klzaccy," he thought back, "it's cheese and pickle again... That's the third time this week."

"Why not take her out at the weekend," thought Klzaccy, "I hear there's a good play being performed at the Citizens Theatre."

"You mean the translation of that book the Atmos Patrol picked up last year? The one they believed was from another solar system?" he thought amusedly.

"No, no, no. My son, thought it's an historical recreation, about an ancient race that lived on the western land mass. You know, the ones who used to train those flightless birds that live there."

"Ah, yes ," thought Czatloid, "I remember my grandparents telling me about a particular talent they had for doing..errr... what was it again?"

"You've got me on that one," thought Klzaccy,"You know what my memory is like for historical recall. I'm lucky to get through the day period and remember where I live."

The heavy sound of a Thrib horn brought them both to alertness as the final race of the day was announced. The room lights dimmed as the large holographic display in the centre of the room took the shape of the race course. Around it, spectators tried to sift out meaningful thoughts as a mental babble struck up on the form and odds that had been precisely calculated by the main computer banks.
Plastic cards were placed in the betting slots as the collection of pedigree Katcalian bounaize (pron: bun;~knees) lined up for the start.

The tiny figure of the main official could be seen as he walked across to the starter's podium, put his lips to the Thrib horn and blew a long mournful blast.

The gathered crowd went wild with excitement as the runners left the starting traps.

Moments later they were going wild with panic as a shadow fell across the course. It was only a matter of seconds before the shadow darkened and grew. As the terrified crowds looked up they saw a gigantic object, large and glittery, falling towards the surface.

As it fell, slowly turning end over end, it was possible to make out some details in its shape...

The thoughts of a news reporter hit the minds of the observers like a hammer blow...

"It's impossible to see exactly what this thing is... It looks like a large, be-jeweled varumba pod... It's... slowing down... It looks like it's going to... actually... land..."

Blind panic wiped out the telepathic communication. From their viewpoint around the holographic projector the onlookers saw, what indeed looked like a large varumba pod, land in the middle of the race course.

As one holo-camera operator cautiously crept forward a large opening appeared in the side of the object and a ramp slid down to the ground.

After a short pause a white feathery creature with a long neck and a vicious looking, yellow beak strutted down the ramp.

The blast of thought waves may well have encircled the small planet as the creature proclaimed...

"Take me to your Leda..."

It raised it's head as if waiting for a reply.
(or a cheap laugh from Greek Literature students)

The flashing lights of security vehicles could be seen approaching the craft from all sides of the course.

Suddenly the frightened thoughts of the newscaster were picked up by the amazed onlookers.

"My god, I can see inside the craft from where I am.... It's full of

small, predatory, carnivorous, crepuscular mammals!*
*cats

The crowd froze as one and then began actually yelling, using vocal chords previously used a millenia ago, when someone had accidentally teleported a small dog into the city stadium. The dog was a devil to deal with, as the tallest Vargalian stands only a foot tall. It was currently tethered out in the country, living off of the swamp murgelians that occasionally tried to take over the city. Rather a happy accident, in the end, providing the city with a free defense system.

The swan positively loomed over them as it screeched (telepathically) 'Leda....Leda......take me to your Leda!'

The Vargalians scattered, and generally tried to get out of the rampaging swan's path. A small one, in a mottled green, was not quick enough, and ended up quivering at the swan's webbed feet.

'Where is your Leda?!'

'W-w-we haven't got one....we're a d-d-democracy, everything gets put to vote, no president, prime minister, grand supreme mugworm, nothing!'

'Not lea-der.....Leda! Leda!'

'Y-y-you mean, Leda, character from Greek Mythology, said to be the mother of Helen of T-t-t-troy?'

'Yes, Leda!


'Well...' and the Vargalien managed to look a bit sheepish, his mottled green changing to more of a peach colour.'I'm afraid you've got the wrong galaxy, wrong dimension actually.'

The swan lost his haughty manner and ducked it's head down a little. It seemed to be shrinking a bit in size. `Umm, excuse me?'

'You want earth...well, wanted earth. According to the history books, the whole Leda and the Swan thing happened a long time ago. You missed your chance.' Some of the other Vargaliens were gaining courage now and poking their antennaed heads out from their hiding spaces.

The swan shrunk some more, and ducked it's head under a wing. 'Oh damn. The multidimensional space-time actuator was out by a few Klicks....Oh dear....that means....'

'What does it mean?' asked the Vargalien, no longer scared, as the swan was about knee height now (or would have been if the Vargalian had knees).

'Well, it means I have no purpose here...' he shrunk some more, and was now the size of a tennis ball '...and so I shouldn't exist here...' he was smaller than a ping pong ball now, 'and i'm going to- *pop*.

'Wink out of existence.' finished the Vargalien.

Another of the creatures came and stood next to him, and they stared at the spot where the swan had been. 'Well that's all well and good, but what the wexl are we going to do with the Varumba pod?! And the crespucular mammals?! They're starting to come out!' This last part was screeched so loudly in the telepathic stream, that several nearby Vargaliens clutched their antennae.

'It's got to go back to where it came from, but there's only one Varg for the job. I just hope he'll take us up on the offer'he said ruefully, as a large head poked out of the varumba pod, and a yowl rumbled the ground beneath their feet.

'You don't mean

... you actually want to cook this poor little fish in that dirty pan?", said Alice disgustedly, "I think I've suddenly lost my appetite and_"

She stopped in mid sentence as a faint wibbly-wobbly sound (along the lines of oo-ee-oo-ee, oo-ee-oo-ee) became apparent and ended in a sort of boi-oi-oi-oingggggg!

She looked down at Shuffle. He seemed different somehow. A small white ball was balanced, or rather stuck, to the top of his well oiled hair. As Alice watched, small cracks appeared in the ball which made quiet crackly sounds

With a final pzzzzt, several pieces of the broken ball fell away from his hair leaving a small round gold object.
Alice snatched it away just as Shuffle began to reach up for it. She looked at it.

"This is my uncle Aloisius' signet ring," she said. "Shuffle, where did you get this?"

"Phweep, Phweep," replied Shuffle.

"O Good Gosh!*," said Alice looking up at him.
*normally said by someone who believes in Heck!

"Phweep, Phwoop, ~Whistle~," said the small grey, feathery bird that was formerly Shuffle.

"______ __________ _ _____ ______ __ ," said Alice. The shock had been too much for her.

"________ _____ ________ ___ _____ ," she tried.

" _____ ______ _______ ____ ?" she asked.

"____ !" she exclaimed.

But it was no good. She was totally speechless.

The small bird, she could see, was rapidly developing a coating of shiny black feathers.

"This is too much!" At least she could hear her thoughts.

"There's only one person I can turn to."

"I think I'm going to need the help of

Jesus!'

'Oh what is it now, Al?' said a small dumpy woman in a pink dressing gown.' And don't use the lord's name in vain, the neighbours will hear, and I don't want to have to explain to Mrs Tweedle why you were yelling and cussing at church on Sunday. I'll never hear the end of it.'

'Oh stop fussing, you just think she noticed the purple smoke coming out of the chimney last night. I've told you a hundred times not to use the fireplace for your whatsits...it's too noticeable. Anyway, we have more important things to deal with than what Dee Tweedle will have to say on Sunday. My signet ring is missing! I could have sworn I put the blasted thing in it's case yesterday.'

'Oh dearie me! You remember what happened last time it went missing.' She was wringing her hands now, no longer worried about Mrs Tweedle but thinking back to the time when-

'It's not my fault it erupted...It was that damned son of yours.' He pointed a long unsignet ringed finger at her.

'Oh, so he's my son when something goes wrong, but when he won the race at college you wouldn't stop shouting: 'That's my Cecil, that's my boy!' You make me want to breathe fire, you do.'

'What will Mrs. Tweedle have to say about that I wonder? Well, find Cecil, I'd like to have a word with him. Ever too fond of poking around in things that don't concern him. Remember when he stole Alice's white rabbit? The cheek! The damned thing ran away and we didn't see her for weeks! It's hard enough pretending to be a mortal without his pranks!'

'Ok, alright. I'll find him. In the meantime keep looking for the ring. Maybe you just dropped it somewhere, you know what you're like...' And with that, she shuffled down the stairs, leaving Aloisius to fume.

'I know it's not here....I can feel it. The only thing is, where the devil has it gone? Maybe I should speak to

Ophelia Phoenix at The Shop".

"So what did he say?" a tallish man said to Vermilion as she shuffled into the kitchen.
"I left him fuming for a while," she replied, "while he looks for it. Now, would you boys like a cup of tea or something. I have another job for you."

Alouisius quietly fumed in his room, He quite like fuming, it was a lot safer than smoking.
(Anything is safer than smoking, kiddies. Don't even think about starting the habit).
"Where the devil is it?" he thought. "Shuffle... Shuffle, where are you?"
As he turned over more papers on his makeshift desk, he also noticed Vermillion's ornate cauldron and the small glittery object he'd bought from Ophelia were missing.

-----

".... we haven't got that much time left," thought the security man as he escorted Weeblegrunt, the owner and chief cashier, onto the racecourse.
"That damn fool, what's the stupid name he adopted?... Alouisius! He must be looking for the thing by now. It's nearly Tuesday, and you're the only one who knows how to get the varumba pod back to him."

Weeblegrunt sagged everything, and the spots on his skin were showing quite vividly, reminding the security man of a pizza as they neared the pod.

"What about the cats," he thought. Noticing that they were no longer there.

"They're no longer there," thought back the security man, showing a typical policeman's attempt at keeping up with the plot. "They were just part of the security defence system to scare off intruders."

"Well that's better," thought Weeblegrunt. "has the thing been fully refuelled and checked over? We don't want any more mishaps today, of all days."

-----

"Halloo.. oo..oo" The words echoed around the sides of the cavern as the stranger examined the body in a blue uniform and wondered why it had an elastic band around it's neck.
"Hmmm, she must have been here," the stranger said to himself as he noticed the remains of the damp postage stamps, sucked clean of their gum "but where is she now?"
"Hopefully she hasn't discovered too many secrets yet," the stranger thought as he turned his attention to getting out of what he now knew to be a well"

-----

"Right boys," said Vermilion "off you go and don't forget what I've told you."

"Okay," said the shorter of the two "and we have to be back in five hours?"

"Don't worry," said his taller companion "I think I know exactly where to look. It's just a matter of turning left at the bottom of