The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Electric_Man, Sep 2, 2005.

  1. It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
    As he was checking a used car lot,
    he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
    He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
    Were they trying to steal it?
    "Heavens no, we bought it."
    "Then why don't you drive it away."
    "We can't drive."
    "Then why did you buy it?"
    "We were told that if we bought a used car here,
    we'd get screwed
    ..so we're just waiting. "
  2. TamyraMcG Active Member

    That's naughty :D :D
  3. Maljonic Administrator

    A man drinking in a bar, finishes his beer, says farewell to the people he knows, and walks outside to his car.

    Within a few minutes he is back, screaming at the top of his voice:

    "Some fecking asshole stole my car! I am going to sit down, have another beer, and if my car is not back by the time I finish my beer, I'm going to have to do what I did in New York last year!"

    Silence falls upon the bar as everyone looks at the guy with fear in their eyes.

    The man finishes his beer, and walks outside.

    Lo and behold, his car is back, much to his and everyone else’s delight.

    One of the people in the bar, a witness to his ranting and raving, walks over and asks:

    "So, what did you do in New York last year?"

    The man shrugs his shoulders and replies:

    "I had to walk home."
  4. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    The sun was setting over the prairie and the cold wind was beginning to strengthen. Two riders could be seen heading towards the town

    The first rider is saying."This cold wind, no good for me, Kimo Sabe.'

    The Lone Ranger replies, 'Never mind Tonto, soon we'll be in the hotel and having hot meals and comfortable beds for the night.'

    They arrive at the hotel, tie up their horses and head towards the door.

    The sherriff stops them and says, 'We've had trouble with some tribes around here masked man, your friend best stay outside for his own safety.'

    'How can I stay warm out here in the cold, Kimo Sabe?'

    'Just trot around the horses my friend and I'll bring some warm food out for you then we can go and sleep in the livery stables'.

    'Thank you, Kimo Sabe. I'll do that.'

    So as Tonto starts jogging, the Lone Ranger goes into the hotel and orders two meals. However he gets talking to some of the old timers and forgets about his friend.

    About an hour later the deputy comes in from the cold and asks,'Whose is that white horse tethered out front?'

    'It's mine,' says the Lone Ranger,'what's the trouble?'

    'Nuthin' pardner... you just left your Injun running.'
  5. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    [quote:3df0ddc48f="Maljonic"]"I had to walk home."[/quote:3df0ddc48f]
    :) Something very Carrotesque about that. I do like such silliness.
  6. Ozzer New Member

    I "borrowed" this off the knitter's forum. It wasn't mine originally.

    I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog...Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes almost bugged out of her head.

    I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said it was nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
  7. KaptenKaries New Member

    Oooh Joculator, that's... silly. :-D
  8. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    I normally get about about four or five emails each day from people sending me 'funnies'. This is from a friend of mine whose brother lives in New York.
    This is a US/UK mix of 'Things Kids Say'...

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

    4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    8 ) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

    10) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."


    Apologies if you seen these before, but I think #9 is particularly funny.
  9. Katcal I Aten't French !

    I have seen many like these but they are always great... 9 reminds me of one of my own kiddie-speech stories. When I was little and went to Sunday School, and Pram Service (a special service for mothers and young children, it was great and there were biscuits !) we would sing a lot, and one of the songs had lyrics and gestures to illustrate "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty"... which inevitably turned into "so big and so strong in his nighty" when I sang it to my mum :D After all, he is known to hang around in a nighty a lot... :D
  10. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I'll never be able to sing that song with a straight face again!

    I've seen a lot of 'what kids say' emails, but I'd never seen any of those before. I particularly liked the one with the lady not wearing a seatbelt. :)
  11. Hsing Moderator

    Just out of curiosity: Would that happen? I mean, how would you react?

    Other than that, some nice ones. The seatbelt one, for example. :)
  12. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    [quote:75564a2ad2="Hsing"]Just out of curiosity: Would that happen? I mean, how would you react? [/quote:75564a2ad2]
    Yes, I did wonder what was up with those women!
  13. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    [quote:cff8be2419="Hsing"][quote:cff8be2419]4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" [/quote:cff8be2419]
    Just out of curiosity: Would that happen? I mean, how would you react?[/quote:cff8be2419]

    Welllll, I would...

    Ooops! Is this a ladies only question? :) :D
  14. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Ozzer I 'bout had a cow. :D
  15. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    You would think English speaking nations would know how to use the grammar and punctuation of their own language correctly?
    Here are some of the headlines from 2006 written by skilled journalists who really should have previewed their work before it went to press.

    [color=red:4b5c994dab]1 - Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says.[/color:4b5c994dab] - If all else fails, state the obvious.
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]2 - Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.[/color:4b5c994dab] - A bit extreme?
    [color=red:4b5c994dab]3 - Panda mating fails - Vet takes over.[/color:4b5c994dab] - A man of multi talents!
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]4 - Miners refuse to work after death.[/color:4b5c994dab] - Lazy SOB's
    [color=red:4b5c994dab]5 - Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.[/color:4b5c994dab] - What happened to fair trials?
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]6 - War dims hope for peace.[/color:4b5c994dab] - It would do.
    [color=red:4b5c994dab]7 - If the strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while.[/color:4b5c994dab] - Brilliant logic, Sherlock!
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]8 - London couple slain, police suspect murder.[/color:4b5c994dab] - There's a clue in there.
    [color=red:4b5c994dab]9 - Red tape holds up new bridge.[/color:4b5c994dab] - Something stronger than duct tape?
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]10 - Man struck by lightning: Faces battery charge.[/color:4b5c994dab] - He IS the battery charge.
    [color=red:4b5c994dab]11 - New study of obesity looks for larger study group.[/color:4b5c994dab] - Weren't the others fat enough?
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]12 - Kids make nutritious snacks.[/color:4b5c994dab] - They taste like chicken?
    [color=red:4b5c994dab]13 - Hospital is sued by 7 foot doctors.[/color:4b5c994dab] - Now that's a tall story.
    [color=darkred:4b5c994dab]14 - Local school dropouts cut in half. [/color:4b5c994dab]- Won't that double the problem?
  16. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    Nice list! I do have to wonder, though, why the little explanatory phrases are necessary - if the journalists are thick for not noticing the joke, aren't we thick too if we need it pointing out?
  17. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    [quote:69f9a50c3e="Buzzfloyd"]Nice list! I do have to wonder, though, why the little explanatory phrases are necessary - if the journalists are thick for not noticing the joke, aren't we thick too if we need it pointing out?[/quote:69f9a50c3e]

    I wasn't trying to insult anyones intelligence :) Those were my first thoughts when I read the lines.
  18. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Just got this by mail and thought it was funny enough to share ;)

    [quote:2199d36329]Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    The winners are:

    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are this year's winners:

    1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

    12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature:

    16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. [/quote:2199d36329]
  19. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  20. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I got those too - they're great! :D
  21. Tephlon Active Member

    "Sarchasm" is ooooold...

    I think it's a regular expression on Slashdot.
  22. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Still, its funny :D
  23. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    In honour of the current 'Cheese War'...

    A group of astronauts are on the moon
    They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

    One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of Brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

    All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that Brie!"

    The astronauts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

    "It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

    "After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as Brie mined thrice?"
  24. KaptenKaries New Member

    I am sure there's a pun in "Brie mined thrice" there, but unfortunately there is a great gaping sarchasm between us, Joculator. Care to explain for an ignorant swede?
  25. jaccairn New Member

  26. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    [quote:cd5e0551df="KaptenKaries"]I am sure there's a pun in "Brie mined thrice" there, but unfortunately there is a great gaping sarchasm between us, Joculator. Care to explain for an ignorant swede?[/quote:cd5e0551df]

    Sorry to cause confusion, KK and thanks Jaccairn for the rapid response of the explanation.

    The joke falls into the category of joke rated on the little known, Theology Scale of Humour... Most people who hear it generally say "Oh God! That was terrible" or "Jeez, what a bad joke". :)
  27. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    Those are my favourites. :) My best friend calls me a 'cheese bandit' for liking such cheesey jokes.
  28. Garner Great God and Founding Father

    i prefer hand grenade jokes. you have to throw em out there and wait for someone to get the punchline.

    "My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I don't understand her. I said 'what do you mean?'"


    one... two... three...
  29. Katcal I Aten't French !

    [quote:7ab9277f62="Buzzfloyd"]Those are my favourites. :) My best friend calls me a 'cheese bandit' for liking such cheesey jokes.[/quote:7ab9277f62]

    I need you on my side in the cheese wars Grace. I have crackers.
  30. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Thanks I needed that :D
  31. Marcia Executive Onion

    [quote:59ea5839f7="jaccairn"]It's to do with a childrens nursery rhyme 'three blind mice' which has the line

    Have you ever seen such a thing in your life as three blind mice?


    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Blind_Mice for the whole rhyme.[/quote:59ea5839f7]

    I learned the song as "have you ever seen such a sight in your life" which is closer to the joke.
  32. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    [quote:54f44e9d10="Marcia"]I learned the song as "have you ever seen such a sight in your life" which is closer to the joke.[/quote:54f44e9d10]
    Ah, I wondered about that! In Britain, I've only ever heard it as 'such a thing', so I was a bit confused.
  33. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    [quote:2c103a1e10="Buzzfloyd"]... so I was a bit confused.[/quote:2c103a1e10]

    We demand NEWS not history! :D
  34. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

    "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
    "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
    "I want iced tea, lots and lots of iced tea," said the third little piggy.

    The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

    "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
    "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
    "I want tea, lots and lots of iced tea," said the third little piggy.

    The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

    "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
    "I want a strawberry cheesecake," said the second piggy.
    "I want more tea, lots and lots of iced tea," exclaimed the third little piggy.

    "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," but why have you only ordered tea all evening?"

    The third piggy says -
    "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

    ===========================================
    Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.
    After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
    After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
    The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
    Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

    ===========================================
    A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed
    The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
    The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
    The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

    ===========================================
    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
    Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
    Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.

    One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
    and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

    The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
    The man replied "I work for the IRS."
  35. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    [quote:0f39fa8143="Katcal"]
    9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.[/quote:0f39fa8143]

    Ok, that is funny. I laughed alot at that one.
  36. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

    In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen
    of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
    will walk into this courtroom."

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you
    that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

    The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't!"
  37. Maljonic Administrator

    [b:23dc97378a]QUICK TIME.[/b:23dc97378a]
    "Do you have any trouble in making your Pegasus go?"
    "Never a bit. I always use the spur of the moment."
  38. Nocomply New Member

    What do you call people who hang out with musicians?
    -Drummers

    How can you be sure that the stage is level?
    -The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.
  39. Katcal I Aten't French !

    [quote:fb8443648f="Nocomply"]What do you call people who hang out with musicians?
    -Drummers

    How can you be sure that the stage is level?
    -The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.[/quote:fb8443648f]

    **Points at Coppe and laughs**
  40. TheJackal Member

    [quote:59e6090586="Katcal"]Just got this by mail and thought it was funny enough to share ;)

    [quote:59e6090586]Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    The winners are:

    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
    [/quote:59e6090586][/quote:59e6090586]

    Just wanna say I thought these were hilarious!
  41. Maljonic Administrator

    A New Yorker, dining a Philadelphia friend, desired to show him all the delicacies of the season. One dish in particular the Philadelphian exclaimed over in delight.
    "That is made of snails," said his New York host. "Don't you have snails in Philadelphia?"
    "Oh, yes," responded the Philadelphian "but we can't catch the pesky things."
  42. Bradthewonderllama New Member

    Those crazy go nuts fast snails...
  43. Maljonic Administrator

    Heh Brad, Marcia said you might notice that joke. :)

    I'm actually travelling back in time to get my current jokes, both this one and the one about the Pegasus, and the next few I will post too.
  44. KaptenKaries New Member

    [quote:150cd6a4b4="Nocomply"]What do you call people who hang out with musicians?
    -Drummers

    How can you be sure that the stage is level?
    -The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.[/quote:150cd6a4b4]

    How does the drummer park in the handicap space?
    -He leaves his sticks in the window.

    How do you know it's a singer knocking on the door?
    -She doesn't have the key and don't know when to come in.
  45. Cynical_Youth New Member

    [quote:b496d9684e="Katcal"][quote:b496d9684e="Nocomply"]What do you call people who hang out with musicians?
    -Drummers

    How can you be sure that the stage is level?
    -The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.[/quote:b496d9684e]

    **Points at Coppe and laughs**[/quote:b496d9684e]

    I don't play drums...

    And, honestly, Clay barely drooled.

    Disclaimer: Elements of this post may have been nicked off Ben.
  46. mr_scrub New Member

    Q.What do you call 582 oboes thrown in the ocean?

    A. A good start


    A truck driver is driving down the road when he sees a priest trying to hitch a ride. He offers the man a ride and drives along some more. Presently he sees a lawyer standing by the road that had successfully proven in court that the truck driver needed to pay a heavy fine. He decides to swerve and hit the man. He is about to hit him when he remembers who he has in the car. He turns at the last minute ands says "Phew, I missed him"

    The priest says "Don't worry I got him with my door"
  47. TamyraMcG Active Member

    some how I wonder if I should encourage this but :lol: :lol:
  48. redneck New Member

    Q: How do you get two saxophone players in tune.

    A: Shoot one of them.
  49. KaptenKaries New Member

    [quote:be0299f615="redneck"]Q: How do you get two saxophone players in tune.

    A: Shoot one of them.[/quote:be0299f615]

    Hey! That's evil. ;-)
  50. Mr_Teatime New Member

    I'm sure at least one of you has heard this one but oh well...
    A panda goes into a restaurant and eats...umm...food. He then takes out a shotgun and shoots a few bullets into the ceiling. The waitress asks him why he did that, and he replies "read the book." then he leaves He hands he a book on aisan wildlife. She looks up pandas. It says in the statistics "Eats, shoots and leaves."
  51. mr_scrub New Member

    :lol: :lol: :lol: I have heard of the book, but not the joke.
  52. Nocomply New Member

    Translated from norwegian.

    A rabbit is taking a dump in the woods when suddenly a big bear emerges between the threes and walks towards him. The rabbit isnaturally frightened, but being "mid-dump" he finds it impossible to leave. Heart racing, imagening fangs ripping him open any moment he watches the bear come closer, and is only slightly relieved when he realizes that the bear is there to shit, not eat.
    Nervously he watches as the bear drops huge turds, and does his best to speed up his own bowels when the bear turns towards him and ask: "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to you fur?"
    Timidly, the rabbid replies: "N-n-n-no. Not really."
    "That's good for you", says the bear and wipes his ass with the rabbit.
  53. TamyraMcG Active Member

    :D :D :D I heard that before in english (Or maybe it was Minnesotan?)

    edited to add the Minnesotan thing
  54. KaptenKaries New Member


    You were five pages late, Nocomply. ;-) First time I heard it was when Eddie Murphy told the joke in his stand up film Delirious.
  55. Katcal I Aten't French !

    [quote:735afb286a="mr_scrub"]:lol: :lol: :lol: I have heard of the book, but not the joke.[/quote:735afb286a]
    The joke originated the book, it's written on the back cover ;)
  56. Nocomply New Member

    [quote:6e3a70e34d="KaptenKaries"]You were five pages late, Nocomply. ;-) First time I heard it was when Eddie Murphy told the joke in his stand up film Delirious.[/quote:6e3a70e34d]
    Oops...consider me embarrassed. I knew I'd just heard that joke somewhere. It was probably while lurking the boards. So much for translating it :D
  57. KaptenKaries New Member

    But I liked how you fleshed the story out. :-D
  58. TheJackal Member

    [quote:62f7b9b859="Katcal"][quote:62f7b9b859="mr_scrub"]:lol: :lol: :lol: I have heard of the book, but not the joke.[/quote:62f7b9b859]
    The joke originated the book, it's written on the back cover ;)[/quote:62f7b9b859]

    Yep, read that joke on the back cover as well.
  59. Ozzer New Member

    Since we're on the subject of feces...

    Did you here about that movie "Constipation"? It never came out.


    And...

    Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
  60. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    Ozzer, go and stand in the naughty corner! Those were most amusing but BAD!

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