The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Electric_Man, Sep 2, 2005.

  1. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Looks like Mr Wintler has been working overtime :D
    Not in the least offensive. I just couldn't work out whether one was a pale carrot or a parsnip.
  2. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Quite lolsome, those fruits and veg, some of them are so amazingly accurate you really have to believe that someone up there has just as dirty a sense of humour as us down here...
  3. Jockles New Member

    wow.. those humorously shaped vegetables are quite... humorous :p (and I can't spell humorous... I don't think?)

    DO you really hate you job? If so:

    On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

    Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....

    "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
  4. Faerie New Member

    Oh the things you come across when you're stumbling. That's where I got the humorous vegetables.

    You pick your interests from a list of topics and it adds a button to your tool bar. When you get bored our are avoiding work hit the stumble button and it takes you to random web pages that match your interests. It's addicting.
  5. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Honest Advertising

    It's nice to see at least one company is printing truthful descriptions on their food labels.

  6. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Most lolsome, Joc! Aww, poor Ainsley:D
  7. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Oh dear, that made the oddest sounds come out of me, I must have needed a laugh thanks!
  8. randywine Member

  9. redneck New Member

    Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

    At first I said, 'Naaahhh! I don't play the game very well.'

    Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

    Then I thought...

    Hey man, I could win this.
  10. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    A friend of mine was recently recounting the time he spent working in an hotel in Bournemouth.

    His boss had told him they were expecting a party of vicars for a weekend convention. Just after lunch, a party of thirty vicars entered the foyer. One of them, who my friend took to be the leader, walked across to the reception desk...

    'Hello, young man. I believe you have a booking for a church party of thirty for the weekend?'
    'Certainly vicar'
    'And all the rooms have a TV?'
    'Yes they do, vicar.'
    'And they all have a bible?'
    'Yes they do, vicar.'
    'And all the porn channels are disabled?'
    'Certainly not, vicar, they're just the ordinary ones everyone watches!'
  11. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    A little boy got on the city bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father'.

    The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'

    The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'

    The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'

    The priest, becoming impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar' :D
  12. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Thank you again
  13. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Just read this one, it's kind of awful but I thought I should share...

    There once were 3 girls called Lily, Daisy, and Breezeblock.
    Lily asked her dad why she was named Lily, anmd her dad said "Because a rose petal dropped on your head as we were carrying you out of the maternity."
    Daisy asked her dad why she was named daisy and he too said "Because a diasy petal dropped on your head just after you were born"
    Then breezeblock came along and said "der duh der duh der?", and her dad said "shut up breezeblock."
  14. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    LOL! Kat, that's awful. In a similar vein, here's one a friend sent me that had me cackling for hours:

    Two pregnant women are knitting jumpers. One says, "I hope mine's a boy, I'm using blue wool." The other says, "I hope mine's a spastic, I've fucked the arms up."
  15. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    PC or not, I've had to come back a couple of times to read the punchline and fall of my chair laughing, yet again. :lol:
  16. redneck New Member


    I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important.

    Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

    If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

    DO NOT DO IT!!


    They only want to see you naked.

    I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!
  17. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    LOL, Redneck!
  18. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.
    He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.
    So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.

    There's no answer.

    Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

    Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

    'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector

    'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

    Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.

    'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.

    'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'

    'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wiffa wife's sistah........!'
  19. redneck New Member

    That's hilarious, Joc.
  20. Katcal I Aten't French !

    that's tewwible...
  21. redneck New Member

    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office The man said to the
    dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.. I have two buddies sitting
    out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
    anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it

    We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's
    9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
    The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very
    brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
    kill the pain.'

    So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?

    The man turned to his wife and said,

    'Open your mouth honey, and show him.
  22. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    A true sporstman! :D
  23. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

    A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

    The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

    Dear Sir,

    Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

    The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

    We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a
    toffee apple.
  24. randywine Member

    Heh heh heh...Quality.
  25. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Button has near miss in F1 disaster...

  26. mazekin Member

    Ah, an oldie but a goodie :D
  27. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Now I come to think about it, I think this is a re-post.

    The joys of getting old :D
  28. Katcal I Aten't French !

    You are talking about the joke, right? Cos Joc's a wrong'un through and through...
  29. mazekin Member

    I would never cast aspersions on the great and honourable Joculator!
  30. jaccairn New Member

    Dog Pack Attacks Croc In Northern Territory

    At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

    The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.

    See the remarkable photograph below
    courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.

    Not for the squeamish..

  31. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

  32. Katcal I Aten't French !

    So which one is Evil Puppy?
  33. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    I hope we're not heading towards the ..."Bring me an alligator sandwich..." joke here. :D
  34. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    If we are, please make it quick...
  35. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Rapid change of subject...
    Here's one from my neighbours six year old.

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

    Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!
    [/FONT] :D
  36. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Yeah, I heard Captain Kirk/Picard* had the same condition with a final front ear...

    *Delete according to your age-group.
  37. redneck New Member

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
    He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.
  38. Katcal I Aten't French !

    **snort** That one shouldn't have been funny. It really shouldn't.
  39. DEATHOFRATS New Member

    Where did you get the name Peter Davies?

    I know someone called Peter Davies...
  40. Hsing Moderator

  41. redneck New Member

    That is hilarious, Hsing.
  42. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Who says the Inland Revenue don't have a sense of humour?
    This is an actual letter sent out by them. The Guardian newspaper gained permission to reprint it.

    Dear Mr Addison,

    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

    Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

    Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries

    1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

    2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

    Please send it to us by Friday.

    Yours sincerely,
    H J Lee
    Customer Relations
  43. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    A middle-aged couple decided to visit a local county show. One of the areas they came to as they entered was marked 'Breeding Bulls'.

    The first pen contained a large bull with a notice saying 'This bull mated 50 times last year.'
    The wife nudged her husband playfully in the ribs, smiled knowingly and said,'Do you see that? He mated 50 times last year.' :wink:

    The second pen contained a larger bull with a notice saying 'This bull mated 150 times last year.'
    The husband received an even healthier jab whilst his wife exclaimed, 'Wow, that's almost three times a week... You could learn something from him!' ;)

    The third pen contained a mighty beast with a notice saying 'This bull mated 365 times last year.'
    The wife was really excited by now and almost broke some of her husband's ribs as she said, 'That's once a day... You could really learn something from him...' :shock:

    The husband paused to rub his aching side then turned to his wife and said,
    'Maybe so, but why don't you go and ask him if it was with the same old cow?' :D
  44. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

    He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

    On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

    "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
  45. mazekin Member

    Sorry about this one...

    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

    The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

    'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

    The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

    'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I brought you Peeking Duck'.
  46. Jnine New Member

    My daughter just told me this

    When's the best time to buy a canary?

    When it's going cheap.........

    I know its dreadful but she has a very sore throat and is feeling a bit sorry for herself so I said I would post it to cheer her up.
  47. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Oh Jnine , I'm afraid you're going to fit in here just fine, sorry.
  48. gemreplica Banned

    Life is simple, please smile to the one who around you.

    My right hand took out a restraining order against me, and now I'm a regestered sex offender because of it.
  49. Jnine New Member

    Why did A. Neck overtake the crowd to cross the road?

    To get a head.......

    Curtesy of my 10 year old who has now got her voice back and will no doubt keep me entertained over the half term holidays, could be a long week.
  50. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Okay Jnine, here's one for your daughter...

    What's the difference between a camera and a stocking? - one takes photos (four toes), the other takes five toes. :D
  51. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    There has been a rumour circulating around that 'H' from steps has died. I don't know how reliable the source is though.

  52. Jnine New Member

    I'm wondering what it says about my character that I find your joke about H from steps amusing.........;)
  53. Katcal I Aten't French !

    This one is lame but I like it...

    - Knock knock?
    - Who's there?
    - Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
  54. mazekin Member

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

    Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

    A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

    An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master:

    "Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
  55. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    I love a good rendition of Handel's 'Hallelujah Chorus'.

    This one by a silent order of monks is funny...

    Click Here

  56. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    When you haven't been able to find that certain book in W.H. Smith's have you ever wondered if you were in the...


  57. Maljonic Administrator

    I guess that must be a fake seeing as all the Google pictures available are identical. Still, while searching to see if it was real or not I found this:

  58. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Did he call for Magrat?
  59. mavzb New Member

    Q) What's the difference between a duck?

    A) One of its legs is twice the same!

    (From, if I remember correctly, the Ha Ha Bonk Joke Book)
  60. Maljonic Administrator

    I don't get it, please explain. :redface:

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