The stupidly idiotic misadventures of Weeble the Pixie

I had to write this, guys. I’d been sitting in work the last couple of weeks referring to him in my mind as Weeble, and it just kind of wrote itself when things had calmed down (ie both people had gone home). I spent some time on it so I wanted to stick it somewhere it might be read and I won't get into trouble because no one knows exactly who it is about. I know it’s pretty long, so if you read it, fair dues to you and thanks!

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Events in this post have actually happened. Names and species have been changed to protect the anonymity of those portrayed...



Once upon a time in a land not so far away there lived a small little pixie man. This pixie had to work with all the other pixies in a very large building dealing with strangers trying to get their work and their amazing finds and discoveries out into the world. Some of the pixies were bigger than this little pixie man, and their job was to tell the pixie man and all the other Little Pixies what to do, and to help them when all the Little Pixies got confused or got in trouble. They also passed on information from the big Gorgozon Monsters who told the big pixies what to do.

The pixie man's name was Weeble and he was a grumpy little pixie man. He was surrounded by lots and lots of women pixies, many of them bigger than him, even though they did the same job as him, or even worse, had to answer to the scrawny little pixie man Weeble, who had scrawny little arms and legs, and a pointed, pinched face. The Little Pixie man's boss, Big D, ignored the Little Pixie man and let Weeble get away with everything that he did, judging that as long as Weeble did his job, that was the important thing.

So Weeble's head grew bigger and bigger, and he started to do less and less. He would go to peoples desks and steal their food. Take boxes of sweets that were not his and distribute them to others. He would ask silly questions and try to get the Littler Pixies to do his work for him, even though many of them didn't have a clue how to do Weebles job. Some of the Littler Pixies were too afraid to speak up, and would do as they were told, but the Senior Littler Pixies could see what he was doing and told them not to. The Senior Littler Pixies would go to his desk and waggle their fingers at him, but to no avail. Weeble didn't care. Big D didn't care either. She would waggle her finger at Weeble and tell him he was being a bad pixie, but nothing ever came of it.

And so time passed, and the Big Gorgozon Monsters decided that things in the workplace would have to change. Many of the Littler Pixies were asked politely to leave, that their services were no longer needed, and they left with heavy hearts, big sparkling tears in the corners of their eyes. The other Littler Pixies were sad to see their friends go, and sadly waved goodbye, crying on each others shoulders. The Head Manager Pixie was also made to go, and suddenly all the Big Pixies answered to the Big Gorgozon Monsters directly.
Weebles' Big Pixie, Big D was asked to leave too, and her team of industrious Little and Littler Pixies was split up and moved to all the other teams.

Weeble went to Big M's team. Big M was a good Big Pixie. She knew her job and expected everyone on her team to pull their own weight and to help out when needed. She was a nice Big Pixie and many of the other Little Pixies wished they could be on her team. All of her Little Pixies and Littler Pixies pulled together and did their jobs well, and helped each other. But Weeble wasn't happy. He dug in his heels and refused to go. He had a tantrum because he was losing his nice desk by the window. He refused to move his things, even though one of the other Little Pixies had to move her things to his place and had nowhere to put them.

So some of the Little Pixies got together and got a trolley and took all his belongings from his desk and dumped on his new desk downstairs, which was not by the window, and was right beside Big M's desk. Weeble threw another tantrum, hopping up and down on the spot and threatening to hold his breath until his face turned blue. But it didn't matter. Big M would have none of it and told him to stop acting like a baby pixie.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Little Pixie C was having trouble getting into the drawers of the desk. Weeble had locked them and taken the key with him. He had locked all the cabinets and taken those keys with him too. This made Little Pixie C mad as she had nowhere to put her things. So the very next day she went downstairs and took Weeble by the ears and dragged him upstairs, demanding he give her the keys.

Again he dug his heels in and refused point blank, crossing his weedy little arms in front of his chest and shaking his head. Now, little pixie C was not one to be easily cowed. She was a country pixie, and though she was not much taller than Weeble, she was most certainly bigger and had muscles that would rival one of the Big Gorgozon Monsters. She took one large fist and stuck it underneath his nose, threatening him in the private pixie language.

For the first time in six years, Weeble backed down and meekly produced the keys. But when the cupboards were opened, little pixie C realized that there was nothing in them and her blood began to boil. He had locked them and left her standing in piles of paper for a week for no reason. But before she could make good on her threats, all the other Little Pixies and the even Littler Pixies jumped on top of her and stopped her from doing something that would land her in jail.

So Weeble, against his will, joined Big M's team. And things grew quiet. There was the normal little Weeble antics, such as not doing back-up when it was requested, and going around to peoples desks and stealing their food, and everyone thought that things were ok again.

But little did they know they were not. From time to time, Big M would discover something that Weeble hadn't done. And Weeble would snap back at her and snarl, revealing his pointed little pixie teeth. And Big M would note it down and watch him. Six months later, Big M brought him into a small office and approached him once again, listing out the things he had done wrong and told him he was getting a written warning as he was ignoring all the guidance he had been given and was not pulling his socks up. This time Weeble snapped and began to shout and pound his puny little pixie feet. He called her an interfering power monger. He called her a nazi-esque bitch. He followed her out of the office as she walked away, choosing not to partake in such childish name calling, and continued to shout abuse at her.

Everyone was stunned. They all liked Big M. She was a good Big Pixie. Some people took Weebles side, and others stayed on the fence, but in the end, Weeble was given written warning upon written warning and moved to Big R's team.

Now Big R was a good Big Pixie…strict, but good and fair. All the pixies that worked on her team didn't want to move, but agreed that you didn't want to get on her bad side. When drunk, and at work functions, she would grope the other women pixies husbands and partners, and on one occasion, one of the other women pixies. But that was just Big R. All the little and Littler Pixies laughed it off, because it was funny to see the men pixies go red. Her feet also smelled something rotten – but that's another tale.
So Weeble went to Big R's team.
And this time he didn't pound his feet.
He didn't gnash his teeth.
He didn't clench his fists and pound them on the ground.
He went quietly and meekly, but he did grumble beneath his breath.

And the one Senior Littler Pixie, Maz, from Big D's team that had been moved to Big R's team rolled her eyes and prayed to god they wouldn't put him near her. But they did. They sat him right beside her, even though all she wanted to do was pound his face in with a mallet. So she got a lock for her drawers and made sure that all her food and stationary were stashed away. And she warned the Littler Pixies what he was like. They all laughed and said he couldn't be that bad. But he was, and they quickly learned to put their food away and not accept any food from Weeble (mainly because it was probably 6 months out of date).

Senior Littler Pixie Maz had to watch him with the other Littler Pixies, and step in when he went out of bounds. She didn't report him, as she had long learned that that earned you nothing but grief from the Little Pixies around, but found that the threat of stapling his pointed little ears to the side of his head worked wonders. As did threatening to key his car if he ordered someone to do his work ever again. But still, there was nothing she could do about the body odor coming from the desk next to her. Or the constant burping and slurping when he ate at his desk. Or the constant silly questions. Or him calling Little Pixie B a witch to her face, which was seriously not on because Little Pixie B is really a nice, quiet woman with manners and not a bad word to say to anyone about anyone.

And Big R had to watch him carefully, and go into meetings with him twice a week to make sure he was doing his job. Now, Big R had a short temper, and didn't tolerate lax attitudes to work. But once you did your job and showed willing, Big R liked you, and smiled at you, and patted you on the head and gave you treats. And most importantly, she didn't threaten you with Disciplinary Action – that's the name of the big battle axe that is hidden beneath her desk.

From time to time, Weeble would stupidly stick his heels in and shake his head and his voice would raise, but he wouldn't bare his pointy pixie teeth. Not with Big R. Not if you wanted to keep your arm. And Big R would take a deep breath and swallow down the anger and watch him walk away. And so time passed. Until one day, Weeble made yet another succession of bad mistakes and refused to listen to anyone that tried to help. And Big R brought him into the small office and tried to talk to him calmly. Weeble didn't like it. Oh, Weeble didn't like it at all.

Weeble stamped his feet.
Weeble shook his head.
Weeble tried to blame everyone around him and he bared his pointy little pixie teeth.
Big R lost it. She shouted back at Weeble and told him to behave.
She waggled her finger at him.
She told him to calm down (very loudly)
She had had enough.

So she stormed out of the little office and went down to HR Pixie E and told her what Little Pixie Weeble had done. And handed HR Pixie E her list. And HR Pixie E looked at it and decided she had had enough. And another written warning was given.

Weeble grew angry.
Weeble grew mad.
Weeble grew even more bitter and angry than ever.

And time passed. Big R continued to try to be civil and kind to Weeble, but Weeble would have none of it. He began grumbling out loud, running down Big R and the company and the Big Gorgozon Monsters that told everyone what to do. Big R from time to time would ask Senior Littler Pixie Maz into the office and ask her if she was being too harsh, but all Senior Littler Pixie Maz could do was look helplessly at her and say she couldn't say. It wasn't her place and she didn't know all the facts…but in reality, she thought that maybe they should have been harder on Weeble at the start and not let him get away with much.

And one day it all came to a head. First thing in the morning, Weeble got an envelope from HR Pixie E. And he told Big R to go into the office. When the door closed, no one noticed – they were so used to the two going in and out. But then, through the Special Fairy Made Sound Proof Door, they could hear the raised voices. No one knows who shouted first, but it is suspected that it was Weeble. Poor littler pixie Di was standing at Senior Littler Pixie Maz's desk asking her a question and got such a fright when the office door slammed open and Big R appeared calling for someone to come and witness. Big R faltered and her face was white and blotchy from anger. Weeble continued to shout and swear, not caring who heard, so positive he was that he was in the right. Suddenly Big R turned around and shut the door again, and more shouting could be heard. Littler Pixie Di turned and ran away and the others in the area shared stunned looks. They couldn't believe that Weeble would be so foolish as to shout at her in front of witnesses. For as we all know, that is harassment, especially if he was the one who started it and it isn't the first it had happened that way.

When the door opened again, loud voices could still be heard, but Big R walked away, choosing to take the high road while Weeble continued to gripe and moan at the top of his voice.

Senior Littler Pixie Maz couldn't take the tension, so she left her desk and walked away, leaving quiet Little Pixie B to talk to him to find out what was happening. Maz went to her good friend Little Pixie C who used to be a Senior Littler Pixie and hid there for 20 minutes until things had calmed down, and found out that the raised voices had been heard throughout the upstairs open plan area and she felt a little sorry for Weeble. But not much.

When she went back to her desk, the tension was almost palpable and she worked in silence, as did the others. Big R returned, frighteningly pale, but she had regained some of her spunk and was looking more like herself. An hour later, she went from group to group explaining something from the Big Gorgozon Monsters that everyone needed to know. But Weeble stood and left his desk, walking away from her even though she called his name and asked him to come back. Everyone froze, wondering how things were going to go. Would she chase him down and bite his head off with her formidable pointy pixie teeth? Would he take a swing at her?

Big R, to her credit, just watched him walk away, and continued with her explanation. She went to the other groups and finished her task, going back to her desk. She waited for Weeble to return, and when he did, she stood with grace and poise and approached him.
"Weeble," she said, quite calmly, with no malice behind it. This in itself made everyone stop what they were doing. "Weeble, you weren't at your desk when I was explaining this to everyone, so I'll just go through it now-"

Suddenly Weeble rounded on her and bared his pointy little pixie teeth. He gnashed them and growled and told her 'what was the point?' Little pixie B left her desk like a bat out of hell and disappeared out of the door so quickly you would swear she could fly. Poor littler pixie Maz was rooted to the spot, afraid that if she moved, she would be a target for either Weeble or Big R. So she listened as Weeble cursed and swore at Big R, and everyone in the office were afraid what was going to happen. Big R looked down at Weeble and stayed silent. When Weeble was done, she turned on her heel and walked away, leaving everyone in shock. This was not like Big R. Everyone had expected Big R to shout back. To stamp her big pixie feet and gnash her pointy pixie teeth at him.

When they were done, Senior Littler Pixie Maz quietly left her desk and ran away to her friend Senior Littler Pixie Mary and hid quivering. She had never liked conflict, even if it wasn't happening with her, and was suddenly afraid to approach Big R in case she upset her and her head would be bitten off.

Now the entire company of Little Pixies wait in fear and trepidation to see what is going to happen to little pixie Weeble.

What will Big R do?
Will she get the Gorgozon Monster BC (big cheese) to step in and squish him with his monster sized feet?
Will Weeble be given his marching orders?
Will it all be swept under the carpet as usual?…

To be continued....when whatever happens, happens...

Read it... Ah, the joys of managing idiots in an office environment. One day I will write my own story about the antics of the jelly-brained pixies of the Sports and Social club, or how to turn plans for a great Christmas party into something more like a cheap wedding reception and mutltiply the amount of work by 10.

Good luck to all the pixies in this story, Maz, except for that Weeble chap, of course... A wonder he's still around, really.

Edit: Garner, you are a Weeble, but we loves ya all the same.

Weeble didn't come in yesterday, but he is in today. Yet another tantrum (quieter though) as his PC was turned on which obviously means that Big R was rifling through his things last night.

Of course, my PC was on yesterday morning, as was B's. I'm not so paranoid that I think they were going through my things - which are technically their things as I am being paid to do work in this building and its technically not my machine! He won't listen to us when we say that it was IT and that Big R left the building at half three yesterday and is on her holidays next week. Somehow, I don't think her vendetta (non existant) is so strong, or she is so dedicated as to drive 40 minutes home, phone Little M to ask her to bring the cups on her desk down to the canteen, and then drive for 40 minutes back to the office when everyone is gone home and go through his computer when she is flying out at 3 o'clock in the morning. dumbass.

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Don't worry Garner, God could only make 1 Weeble and we certainly have him. When he made Weeble, the mould didn't just break, it shattered and took his eye out (it regrew again) and then desintegrated into dust, was blown away and absorbed by a big volcano. Which then errupted and buried an entire village of Cheese Eating Monkeys.

There are lesser Weebles, though...

Lets just hope that HR is like HR in my girlfriends company (Well, she *IS* HR... ) and the Weeble gets chucked.

Also: I wish I had thought of turning my rant into a story...

You know, it’s weird; Our site has over 100 women and only 12 men and in the 30 years it’s been operating here, there has only ever been one other jaw dropping fight. And that was resolved by both women deciding not to talk to each other about non-work related issues ever again. That stand-off has lasted nearly six years now, which is pretty amazing considering how closely they need to work. Being friends with both of them should have been hard, but they made it as easy as they could on everyone around. No bitching, no back-biting…it was kind of odd, actually. And sad. C was M’s maid of honour at her wedding. That's pretty much our company in a nut-shell. Mostly everyone is nice. Sorry, more than nice - mostly everyone is a friend. That goes way beyond just colleagues. Open invitations are given to the afters of weddings to the entire company. For relatives funerals there are sometimes arguments over who will be allowed go on the day. Aside from the actual job itself, I love working there. And its mainly because of the people. Never mind making work easier, they make life easier.

But back on subject. I don’t know if he will get his marching orders. In all the time the company’s been here only one person has ever gotten their marching orders (and that’s been verified by our union boss) and that’s because she lied in her medical and at her interview. Which was a pity, because she wasn’t actually a bad Little Pixie. One of the best I’ve had to work under. We've had quite a few pretty useless idiots in the place, who have done practically nothing but sweet-talked Editors so that their short-falls only ever came to life after they left.

I feel terrible saying this, but I really do wish he would go – either on his own or pushed. I don’t mind. He is a deceptively creepy little man. The kind of guy you see on the news after he’s gone crazy and walked into work with a shotgun. The one that ¾’s of the people interviewed after the event say ‘he was a nice, quiet man.’ And the other ¼ say that they always knew there was something weird about him. That kind of ‘creepy’. The ‘tread softly in case you upset him and he snaps’ creepy.

Has anyone checked his basement? Are you sure he hasn't locked anyone up in there for 20 years?

I've worked less with weebles but I did have a weeble boss, which is truely frightening.

My previous boss was also quite Weeble-like in a different way, I'll write a story about him some day, if you're good and not too afraid of trolls...

This is for Garner_ I doubt you are a Weeble, you may be an Anti weeble, but that isn't a bad thing, usually.

Yesterday evening, Weeble was suspended until further notice. I.E. he's not coming back. Ever. It turns out that they were waiting for our Big Gorgozon Managing Director to return from his trip to our new site in India to give him the gentle heave ho. I'm trying really hard not to smile. I feel terrible about it, but kind of happy. Or at least, I was feeling kind of happy until we found out around about lunch time today that the little prick (sorry about the language, but at this point in time I could really say much, much worse) has been sabotaging all of his work for the past month, deleting essential information from our databases, rejecting actual articles!!!! from our systems and basically doing whatever was in his power to make the life of whoever was getting his work, miserable. Which would be me. Thank you Weeble you little...so and so. There was a whole lot more that happened yesterday, but to be honest I'm too tired and too alcoholised to get into it.

If I ever get my hands on the scrawny, toothpick necked, slack-jawed, gimlet eyed, toast-rack chested, puny little effer I won't be held responsible for what I do to him. Let me put it this way: high tension steel wire, bowling balls, steam rollers, bleach, large sheets of industrial strength plastic wrapping, duct tape, out of the way woods, a shovel, a large hole in the ground and an alibi provided by several members of my team will be involved...use your imaginations, I know I am!

Count me in for that alibi. Good Riddance to bad Wubbish... Fairy cakes and cider* for all!!!!

*Fairy cakes with real bits of fairy in them, and thimbles for the cider, obviously