*Driving, driving, driving, driving* [-] "Oh no, a pothole..."[/-] "Oh no, that looks like Ella....!" *BUMP*
So whats in the next round huh? I'm waiting with baited breath*... *What the hell does that mean anyway?
And there was I about to launch into an explanation of how as cheese is used as bait for mousetraps, baited breath means is seriously stinks of cheese, which is another good reason to hold your breath. I was then going to show off about bear baters, but it seems I have got that wrong too, as it seems to be written baiters, not baters... Dammit.
Katcal's suggestion reminded me fondly of said speech (edit: working link to article). Thus: Round Two: Politics. This will be an extended round. Every few days or so I'll bring up a pertinent political issue usually encapsulated in one word, and you get to rattle off a longwinded speech about it. For example, the first one will be TRANSPORT. Go by your own crazy logic. Dodge the issue. Stumble catastrophically and keep on going. Throw in a few hidden agendas. And above all, win those votes (a.k.a. points)! (Katcal, +5 points.)
Transport As the honourable member for the newly created junta of the fourth world republic of Boardania I would like to express my exasperation with the current administrations handling of the issue of transportation. This is not merely a case of our current leader, the Master of Comic Timing and Ultra-Bumbling Co-Host, not counting all their chickens before they come home to roost but of a complete lack of understanding of the fundamental issues underpinning this republics need for transportation services. Like other, so called services, such as this administration persistence in referring to health as something that happens to other people, the people of Boardania deserve better. Health is something that should happen when you go to the hospital not be something thats freely available to all those who wish to achieve it by eating well and exercising regularly. No! Health and transport should be commodities for which this proud republic should hold as rare and exclusive. They are the privileges of the deserving few who call Boardania home, not some fundamental right that comes with merely lurking at the fringes of our society, enjoying the repartee between members of the republic but never contributing. I say this now, I challenge all the lurkers in our society to reveal themselves! Come into the light! Reveal your contribution to our fine republic and in return I offer you transport and possibly health if you prove yourself as deserving. Yes my people! Transport is what awaits those that contribute. Not the regular old transport that this administration would have you believe is adequate because it runs on time most of the time, has sufficient services so you can sit down on all trains and buses and not be pressed against the door window so that your face looks like this :shock:. No! I offer transport in the metaphysical sense, this is the transport that won't come for those that wait but as soon as you give and walk will promptly arrive. This is the transport that you dream of, with personalised timetables, door-to-door services, leather seats, attendants bringing you complimentary food and drinks and a wide choice of options to entertain you on your quick journey as you fly above traffic. My transport people, is the just like the dream, it is what you've been hoping, waiting and dreaming for your whole life. it is such a dream that you probably never realised that it was your dream. Now, my people, now I give you your dream, this is so much like your dream that you won't remember it in the morning when you wake up and you'll say to your partner at the breakfast table: "I had the weirdest dream last night..." This is what I offer you good people I, the honourable member newly appointed junta of the fourth world Republic of Boardania, humbly say, do you want the merely functional transport system or so you want the dream? I offer you the dream! Come dream with me.
Spiky, 10 points. Seriously, I laughed way too much at that. Maybe it was the skillful misgrasp of the concept of 'health'. Maybe it was the deft use of italics; maybe it was because 'transport in the metaphysical sense' sounds both scary and awesome; the best use of an emoticon ever, perhaps; or the whole ream about dreams that finished it off, which was, quite frankly, ingenious. The rest of you might do better with BEANS.
Parp. I rest John Prescott's case. Hang on, I appear to have written those two sentences in the wrong order...
‘Damn your Beans!, I say to the bean counters of the government. I say, that beans should not be counted with such ineffiecent precision. That the time and effort this government has spent on the bean counting project is completely inconsistent with the necessity of knowing how many beans to the running of a government. The importance of bean numeration pales incomparason to the more fundamental issues of health, transport and Dog counting. 62% of the governments clerical staff is spent counting beans, of that 84% only 12.A % have only the most rudimentary bean counting skills or training. The systematic failure of the Government to realize that unimportance of bean counting twined with is failure to provide the adequate bean counting service that, you- the people- deserves proves indefinably that this government is not capable of governing OR of Bean Counting. Vote for my party and I can assure you WE will succeed where the last government failed. That last government’s mismanagement of the Bean Counting project resulted in a general increase in the knowledge of the amount of beans AND a rise in crime. I promise that as your leader, I will use every power, every man, woman, child and calculator at my disposal to ensure that your beans are counted to the highest possible level!
The gameshow hosts make work for idle contestants. I think it's about time we threw in some grotesquely unfair extra features. 1) Die, Die, Die! Firstly, I shall assign according numbers to the current Top 5 contestants. Spiky (20) Tephlon (16.5) Katcal (15) Ben (12) Redneck (12) Now I shall abuse the dice-rolling feature ever so usefully implemented by Mal (this may take a few attempts for me to get right). [Edit: blah! See post below.] Whichever unlucky three get rolled, 5 points are deducted from their current score. 2) Bean-Counting Those who participated in the beantacular part of Round 2 are in for a treat. Instead of your regular points, I shall be awarding beans, which are worth twice as much. Ben: 2 beans. I laughed. But we're not going to tell anyone. Rinso: 1 bean for 'Damn your beans!'. 1 bean for getting your priorities right (dog counting is indeed far less important). 1 bean for such glowing statistics as '12.A%'. 1 bean for 'twined'. 1 bean for correlating poor bean-counting with a rise in crime. 1 bean for the disturbing exploitation agenda suggested in that last sentence. Those poor calculators.
High Score Table Spiky: 20 Rinso: 19 Redneck: 12 Tephlon: 11.5 Ben: 11 Katcal: 10 Coppe: 1 Doors: 1 Perdita: 1 Stercus: 1 Roman: -1
Am I supposed to be doing a bean speech too? I was the only one who did a transport one so am I supposed to miss a round or can I go for gold by doubling up my beans in a tirade against beans too? Actually, I like the sound of beans in the metaphysical sense, do you think that metaphysical beans would make your farts smell better or worse?
No. Forgot to say, that part of the round is now closed. Otherwise I'd be making it too easy. Feel free to have a go at DISCO, however.
D.I.S.C.O. These five letters have now polluted our airspace and the gloriousness of the English language (even the kind they speak in that terrible America place) for far too long. Disco is the seed of evil, of deliquance, of bad behaviour, and above all, of trousers that are too tight around the crotch. Disco is the cause of all the problems in our modern society. Especially hoodies. And skinheads. It all started when the started pulling their hair up into those ridiculous 'fros, and now they've all gone bald. Some of them hide the fact with their ridiculous hooded tops and take it out on old ladies, and others flaunt their bald heads and take it out on old ladies with poodles. Disco is also the true core of Scientology. Some claim it is the works of that Hubbard chap, but we all know that Scientology would have been another tiny meaningless, moneyless sect without Disco. And John Travolta. Which is basically the same thing. Disco may seem to encourage young men to join the navy, the army, or hang around their local Christian organization, but we now know that this is just a front put on to appease gullible parents, much as Britney Spears once wore a school uniform and pigtails with fluffy pink hairbands. No, what Disco is really teaching our youths is to stay up late, shimmy and shake in ways most dangerous for the development of their spine, and spend time in dark places with all those flashing coloured lights which, let's face it, are nothing more than an elaborate brain-washing mechanism. For all these reasons and many more with which I will not bore you, but which are all developed in full in my new book "Disco is Really Badly Rubbish", I implore you all, for the good of generations to come, to vote my law that bans anything Disco from our land for ever and ever. Amen.
Honorable members of the board. I feel I must speak out in defence of the music style that has been much bashed upon these boards. Was it not Disco that saved the rock & roll singers from burning down the stands one night? Was a girl not saved last night? Did it not encourage many to join the armed forces? Sure, it makes people freak out (Although they appear to be French, so again, nothing but good times there) , but what else can help you get back upon your feet when you have a fever during the weekend. (In the evening, or even later.) What other music makes people proclaim they will survive, even though only seconds before they were afraid, even petrified? What other music will let people climb mountains, cross seas? No ladies and gentlemen, Disco should not be blamed for the ills of society. Disco is part of nature, like the ground we walk on, the air we breathe and the flames that burn bright and light our way. So I urge you to just don't stop 'till you get enough, go west and have some good times, because, knowing me and knowing you, that is the way you like it.
I wish to take umbrage at the blatant anti-disco sentiment that has populated this board. I ask: what has disco ever done to you? Absolutely nothing! What has disco done for you? I ask. It's probably done the most miraculous of things... it got you laid. I the newly appointed member for the recently formed junta of fourth world boardania implore you to consider the benefits of disco, without which we'd all be lonelier people. Consider this, how many of you would really attract the opposite sex in broad daylight and totally sober? In the cold hard light of day most of us feel no inclination to walk up to the hot guy/girl on the opposite side of the room and rub seductively against him in a pulsating manner over the water cooler. No without disco we'd be sitting in our office or at home wondering how to pull some hot action. Some, who will remain nameless, would say that the dark is an evil underworld affair that is to be avoided and banned. I believe that the dark is the necessary camouflage of the mating public. For many the only way to attract the opposite sex is to wear the dark of the disco like a brown paper bag. The flashing lights are not there to brain wash but to seduce and to make you look good to others. So please, my fellow fourth world boardanians, do not let this rampant attempt to deny you the ability to have sex, but support disco in all its forms!
So. Disco. On the side against we have: Katcal. Disco is responsible for uncomfortable crotches, skinheads and Scientology? Ouch! 2 points for stooping so low, and another 2 points for actually illustrating how these things are related. -1 point because there is not one person on this virtual message board who does not 'spend time in dark places with all those flashing coloured lights'. 1 point for being so impertinent as to write a book about it; -1 point for the unoriginal title. On the side in favour: Tephlon and Spiky. Tephlon: 1 point for directly responding to Katcal's speech. 3 points for the repeatedly innovative use of well-known disco lyrics. -1 manhood for 'Say it, sister!' Spiky: -1 point for your first statement. Katcal certainly has a presence on this board - a terrifying, bunny-riddled presence - but I wouldn't say she populates it. 1 point for the gross appeal to our basest natures, and another 2 points for the less-than-delicate elaboration. 1 point for the word 'junta', which is an especially groovy word. Round 2 is now closed for entries, but Ella might have something else to say when she gets back from burning down people's houses.
I must, again, protest. Tamyra is female, and thus in the big family that is (Disco) music, she is a sister.
Disco i understand that the round is closed, but i wanted to submit this anyway. Scene: A normal day in the House of Commons, viewed through a camera set up on the public balcony such that the speaker sits facing the camera at the far end of the room. The party in power sits on the left [as seen] and the opposition occupies the right hand side benches. A member of the ruling party stands to address the room... Honourable Speaker, Members of the Opposition. It has come to my attention that there have been many rumours recently, pertaining to the alleged guilt or lack thereof inherent in the once [and possibly still] popular combination of beats, idiosyncratic in its style and commonly referred to outside these walls as "Disco music". Jeers and cat-calls around the House, silenced by the Speaker shouting his typical 'Order, order!' I put it to you ladies and gentlemen, that this house should form a committee, the sole purpose of which would be to test the veracity of the aforementioned rumours. More jeers, again 'Order, order!' Furthermore, I submit to this house the opinion of this party. Formed in collaboration with several of my honourable colleagues, we believe in a fundamental truth. This truth is best described using 4 basic tenets: We should not blame it on the Sunshine; We should not blame it on the Moonlight; We should not blame it on the Good Times; We should, in point of fact, blame it on the Boogie. More jeers than before. This time the Speaker is forced to repeat his order several times. In light of the heavy opposition apparent in the house at this time, I move to propose that we be exposed to the subject matter at hand. I put forward that this government, as one body, should, right now, get down and PARTY! Loud Disco music starts. As one, every member of the house stands, as a large mirrorball descends from the ceiling, and the benches revolve under the floor to be replaced with flashing squares of multicoloured lights. Camera cuts to show Gordon Brown moon-walking across the main floor of the room. He finishes the move with a 720 degree spin on his heels, and springs into the air to land on just his toes. As GB moves off screen, David Cameron comes into shot, performing a complicated series of robotic dance moves and body-popping, topped off with an impressive leap landing in a splits. Camera cuts again to the large table in the centre of the room, upon which we see Menzies Campbell pull off some energetic break-dancing, finishing with a one-handed handstand, and back-flipping out of shot. Camera starts to pull out, and we see William Hague, dressed as John Travolta, leading the entire house in a rendition of the famous dance from Saturday Night Fever. Pulling out further, it becomes apparent that the whole of London is joining in. Pulling out to see the entire globe, with all the countries of the world as disco lights, each pulsating with a different colour [all except Switzerland, that is, which remains a neutral grey for reasons best kept to itself]. As the camera move finishes, the stars appear around the planet, and start to spin around the Earth as the planet itself morphs into an enormous mirrorball. Alternate Ending 1 - available only on the collectors edition DVD. After the Earth/mirrorball transformation, the camera continues pulling out, only to reveal God performing the Saturday Night Fever dance underneath the Earth/mirrorball, dressed of course as John Travolta [or possibly being John Travolta]. Alternate Ending 2 - available only on the collectors edition DVD. After the Earth/mirrorball transformation, the screen goes suddenly dark, and Ella's voice is heard to say "Oops! Sorry!"
