The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Electric_Man, Sep 2, 2005.

  1. Electric_Man Templar

    "I say I say I say, what do you call a joke thread started by Electric_Man?"
    "'The Joke Thread'!"

    Post any jokes you like/made up in this thread. They can be funny if you want.
  2. sleepy_sarge New Member

    This just in via e-mail...

    These might give an indication of the scale of the problems facing our council colleagues. A selection of clips from council
    complaint letters:

    My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

    It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

    50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

    I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c**k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

    The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

    I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

    This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
  3. fairyliquid New Member

    One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
    to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take
    the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues
    to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
    alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
    "Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking isn't that obvious?)
    "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
    "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
    ³Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
    could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
    "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
    "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
    at any moment."
    "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

  4. Perdita New Member

    Now, Why did I not think of starting this thread :roll:

    Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.

    The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Mick,

    I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son:

    Dear Father,

    For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES!

    Love, Mick

    At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet.

    That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

    The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

    Dear Father,

    Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love, Mick
  5. sleepy_sarge New Member

    THe ultimate e-mail chain letter?

    ** WARNING - NEW SCAM **

    Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit
    that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending
    this to your entire email list. If a man comes to your front door and
    says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, DO NOT
    show him your bum. This is a scam he only wants to see your bum. I wish
    I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
  6. Mooseman New Member

    10 Things to Freak out your Roommate

    10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

    9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

    8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"

    7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

    6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

    5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

    4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

    3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

    2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

    1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
  7. mowgli New Member

    There once was a monk, who was famous even amongst his brothers as an example of righteousness and piety. He had dedicated himself to religion at a very young age, and it was said that he had never as much as an impure thought in his whole life. When the man finally passed away, everyone was certain that he'll go straight to Heaven.

    Sure enough, St. Peter himself was there to greet the guy.
    "We are very impressed with you up here!", he said. "You went above and beyond the call of duty in your religious obligations - we had never seen a more dedicated soul. If there's anything we can reward you with, any wish you'd like to see granted - just say the word"

    The man was as humble as he was chaste. "Oh, I'm already ecstatic at the thought that God is pleased with me. I'm in Heaven, I'm with the saints and the angels, what more can I possibly ask for?"

    But St. Peter insisted - "Oh come on, there's gotta be something!" - and finally the man admitted, that he had always wanted to read the very first version of the Bible - as written by those who had received the law from God's own mouth, - with no danger of mistakes or mistranslations.

    "No problem" - says St.Peter and immediately an ancient-looking scroll materializes in his hands. "Here you go - exactly as it was first written!"

    The man cries with joy, and St. Peter leaves him alone, to read undisturbed.

    A short while later, though, he hears an anguished cry:

    "Arrghhhg!!! CELEBRATE!!! It says - "CELEBRATE!!!"
  8. fairyliquid New Member

    I don't know if we have any Poles on the boards but its good anyway...

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

    Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
    The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
    POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
    LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
    POLE: "It made of concrete."
    LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
    POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
    LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
    POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
    LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
    POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
    LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
    POLE: "No, I always up before her."
    LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
    POLE: "No, she white."
    LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
    POLE: "She going to kill me."
    LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
    POLE: "I got proof.
    LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

    POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
    I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
  9. mowgli New Member

    ...ach..where is my trout!!!!... :)

    (Actually, there is a place near my work, called PolishPlus, which deals with varnishes of some kind... But every time, unfailedly, I read it as "POLE-ishPlus", as in "We got Polish people and then some!")
  10. Garner Great God and Founding Father

    not trying to be a kill joy, but would this be better off in the fools guild, or did we want it in the boardanian forum? I'll be happy to move it if it went in the wrong one, but i got no problem with it staying here
  11. fairyliquid New Member

    Im happy with it was made here before the fools guild existed but if it fits better there then is fine with me
  12. Garner Great God and Founding Father

    well, I'm now quite confused as to why a thread of mine was moved there which I don't think belongs there, but this one didn't get moved, when it does belogn there... but oh well. I'll go stab people until things get sorted out.
  13. Garner Great God and Founding Father

    Okay, there's a discussion in the temple thread about the necessity of the 'fools guild' forum. if we do need it, i'd like to move this thread there.

    Can anyone who has anything to say please comment in the Temple?
  14. Garner Great God and Founding Father

    This stuff ought to be stickied, i think. if anyone objects, we can unsticky it.
  15. Dane New Member

    life in a nutshell:

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

    For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

    For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," God said.
    "You asked for it."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    courtsy of my wonderful girlfriend Jessicar
  16. Garner Great God and Founding Father

    thanks for reposting that Dane!
  17. Dane New Member

    It's ok, I have plenty of jokes. I would have posted that here first but I didn't really see it as a joke, more of an analysis ;)

    This is a fairly well known joke but a classic nonetheless

    There were three man walking through a jungle when they came across a cannibal tribe of pigmy’s

    The pigmy king approached the travellers (reaching an impressive 3 ft!)

    "You, strange men! go into the jungle and get 10 pieces of fruit, there will be a test after this. If you pass then you will join us in our mighty feast and we will help you get out of the jungle. If however you are to fail you shall [i:c738c0fe51]be[/i:c738c0fe51] the feast!"

    So rather nervously the three men went back into the jungle, the first man (as it always is in such jokes) came back first. He held in his arms ten rather large apples!

    "OK, you test is to put each of those apples up your bottom without making any facial moment!" said the pigmy king

    So nervously the man began. Somehow he managed to get up apple up his bottom without making any facial movement but the second was to much, he screamed in pain and they ate him

    The second man was the next to emerge from the jungle. He held in his arms 10 small jungle berries. The pigmy king ordered him to place them all up his bum.

    Obviously he wasn't too happy with this but he did it anyway. However on the 10th berry he began laughing hysterically! The pigmy’s true to their word ate him in their feast.

    The first and second man met some time after in their afterlives. The first man was interested to know why he had laughed; he was so close to getting his feast and his ticket out of the jungle when he laughed.

    The second man replied thusly:

    "Well it wasn't so bad and the end was in sight, but just before the 10th berry went in I saw the third man coming back with ten pineapples!"
  18. Hsing Moderator

    Sorry for the language problems, but I translated it from German...
    Dear colleagues and fellow users,

    Last year I switched from program version "girlfriend 7.0" to version "wife 1.0". I had to find out that the program initiated an unexpected son-process and takes up a lot of space and important resources. The manual does not mention this phenomenon.
    Besides that, “wife 1.0” installs itself into all other running programs and boots itself automatically, slowing down all other activities.

    The applications “strip club 10.3”, “drinking bout 2.5” and “soccer 5.0” no longer work at all, and the system crashes whenever I try to start them. Unfortunately I can not minimize “wife 1.0” while using my prefered applications. I seriously think about returning to “girlfriend 7.0”, but whenever I run the uninstall-program, I see a pop up that tells me to use the program “divorce 1.0” first, and that is far too expensive for me.

    Could you please help me?

    Thank You.

    Best regards
    Mr. XX


    Answer from the technical aid service:

    Dear user,

    This is a complaint we get on a regular basis. In most cases, one of the reasons is a misconception about the nature of the program. Many users switch from “girlfriend 7.0” to “wife 1.0” because they expect it to be a program of the “ames and Applications”-class. “Wife 1.0” though is an OPERATING SOFTWARE! It has been developed to control all other functions.

    When “wife 1.0” is installed, hidden data is being installed that makes reloading “girlfriend 7.0” impossible. It is not possible to move, delete or de-install these data. Some users even tried installing “girlfriend 8.0” or “wife 2.0”, together with “divorce 1.0”, but in the end they claimed having more trouble than before.

    Read the manual and the chapter “Warnings: alimony payments – running maintenance expenses from “child 1.0” on and higher”.

    I suggest you stay with “wife 1.0” and make the best of it.

    I myself installed “wife 1.0” years ago and get along by keeping strictly to the directions in the manual, especially to the ones in the chapter about “communication failure”. Take responsibility for all failures, wether you caused them or not. The best solution is often to
    C: apology.exe

    Limit the use of the ESC tab, or you will have to run C:apology.exe more often to make “wife 1.0” run normally again.
    Despite the high operating costs, “wife 1.0” can be an interesting program. There is also the possibility to unstill updates to increase its capabilities. I recommend “flowers 2.1” and “chocolates 13.0”.

    Your Technical Aid Service
  19. Hsing Moderator

    My own husband added:
    “Well, I have to say my problems arenot so much caused by the operating system wife.1 than from the troyan "daughter.05", which I downloaded as a harmless game program. Once started, it multiplied itself into all folders of “mainframe life 1.0” and is blocking the entire server “flat 16.0”. It caused chaos in the entire directory structure and ignores every command like “end process”. Instead it interrupts every other application running on the working station, causes them to crash and produces pop ups of doubtful content. I suppose I have to accept the fact that my administrator rights on my own system will be limited for the rest of my life."
  20. Delphine New Member


    Heh, that's great.
  21. fairyliquid New Member

    I have tons of jokes, its just a matter of finding them all...this is a good one though :)

    Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
    Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but
    there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter

    Mujibar said, "I am ready."

    The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

    The Officer said, "Go ahead."

    Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
    say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."

    Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers
    help desk.
  22. fairyliquid New Member

    and another one...

    [size=18:cf80924bf2][b:cf80924bf2]Subject: English improvement (gud one)[/b:cf80924bf2][/size:cf80924bf2]

    The European Commission have just announced an
    agreement whereby English will be the official
    language of the EU rather than German, which was the
    other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
    Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling
    had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
    year phase in plan that would be known as

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..
    Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
    joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the
    "k".. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan
    have 1 less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
    year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
    the "f". This will make words like
    "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
    kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
    komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkorage the removal of double
    letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate
    speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
    the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and
    they should go away.

    By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
    replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze
    fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
    from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
    kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
    styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and
    evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

    [b:cf80924bf2]ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU![/b:cf80924bf2]
  23. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    Hsing, your husband's addition was the best! :D
  24. queenynci New Member


    Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers
    help desk.[/quote:63d32cfa9b]

    Nah, he works for AOL :lol:
  25. fairyliquid New Member


    Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers
    help desk.[/quote:7229659568]

    Nah, he works for AOL :lol:[/quote:7229659568]

    I think he has many many jobs :)
  26. Tephlon Active Member

    Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ladies of negotiable affection and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

    The first dwarf, however, is unable to get aroused. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did It go?"

    The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get... exited."

    The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
    "I couldn't even get on the bed."

    Edit: Extra letters are bad, bad, I say!
  27. Tephlon Active Member

    Just in via e-mail:

    14 things to do for a bloke when the missus is busy shopping.

    01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
    02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
    03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
    04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
    05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
    06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
    08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
    09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
    10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
    11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
    12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
    13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...The voices.... !!!"
    14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
  28. queenynci New Member

    Forget the husband, I think I will try some of these :badgrin:
  29. Smoking_GNU New Member

    Evil Overlord List

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
    3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
    5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
    7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
    8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery, which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
    33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
    48. I will treat any beast that I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want Ad in the local paper.
    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
    53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
    55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
    57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports, which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to be a disadvantage.
    65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
    83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
    89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency; the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

    I know this is a bit long, but i hope jou all enjoy it! :lol:
  30. redneck New Member

    Thanks smoking, I kept trying to remember movies/stories where the dictator acted in such ways as to lead to this particular list. I got an idea for most of them, but some of them I didn't. Did anyone else do that?

    Or am I just wierd?

    Ok, that last question may be moot.
  31. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    I did that too, but that deosn't prove anything.

    You are still weird Mr. Duke Sir, you are still weird.
  32. Pixel New Member

    GNU - you missed:

    101: I will not imprison a team of enemies in a barn, workshop or other location that just happens to contain all the tools and materials needed to build a fully functioning armoured car (there should really be a link to the "A-Team" theme here!)

    I do like number 99 - but it might be a bit too subtle for those not used to the capacity of 3.5" diskettes! (and if that's not what you meant, then you're getting too subtle for [i:9b27182b00]me[/i:9b27182b00]!)
  33. Tephlon Active Member

    The "Evil Overlord list" is OLD. (In internet terms it's Ancient.)
    It's one of the funniest list ever, and usually Starwars and Flash Gordon come to mind.

    Pixel: 99 is referring to the 1.4 Mb storage capacity of 3.5" Discs.
    Nowadays with all the USB drives and DVD writers... It doesn't really work...

    You'd have to design a system where the files only work with EvilOverlordOS™.
    Then again... If an Apple laptop can interface with an alien flight computer to introduce a Virus... (Brownie points for knowing which film that plothole came out off)
  34. redneck New Member

    Come on, Tephlon. Try for a hard question. That was Independence Day. Will Smith and the other guy. Played in The Fly. Can't remember his name.

    (Yeah, I could Google it, but that would take away your fun of berating me for not knowing Jeff's name.)
  35. Tephlon Active Member

    Here's a bunch of German Golden Flowers instead of the browniepoints...

  36. Tephlon Active Member

    Why the Internet is Like a Penis
    [list:40a8228484]It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
    We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
    It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" [/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
    Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.[/list:u:40a8228484]
    [list:40a8228484]Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. [/list:u:40a8228484]
  37. Marcia Executive Onion

    In response to Hsing:

    Dear Tech Support,

    Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!


    Dear XXX,

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

    In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

    Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

    Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

    A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

    I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

    Tech Support
  38. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    That was great! :D
  39. Hsing Moderator

    Yes, it was! :D
  40. spiky Bar Wench

    1. "My favourite is the French 'l'esprit d'escalier', or spirit of the staircase. This is used to describe the precise moment a person comes up with a clever retort to an embarrassing insult. It is usually after leaving the party, and walking down the stairs that the quip comes to mind."
    Lee, Wellington, New Zealand

    2. "In Chinese if you tell a man they 'dai Lu maozi', meaning 'he wears the green hat', it means that his wife is sleeping with someone else."
    Zac Teehan, Fredericton

    3. "It's weird that English doesn't have words for 'vorgestern' (the day before yesterday) and 'ubermorgen' (the day after tomorrow)."
    Anke, Germany

    4. "I think my favourite word, and not for its literal meaning, is the Spanish 'puente' meaning bridge. Unlike ourselves, they cleverly place their bank holidays on a Tuesday so that Monday will, on most occasions, be treated as a bridge day (an extra day of holiday) ensuring a four day weekend. Ah, the Mediterranean lifestyle..."
    Gary Walker, Barcelona

    5. "My favourite is 'faire du leche-vitrines' which literally means 'to lick the windows' and translates as window-shopping.
    Phil, in France

    6. "I have a soft spot for the German 'luftkissenfahrzeug'. The literal translation being 'air cushion vehicle', but to you and I it is the simple 'hovercraft'."
    Jude , Birmingham, UK

    7. "In Cyprus, the instrument used to remove staples from paper is termed a 'petalouda', literally translated into 'butterfly'. Go figure."
    Jasmine, Nicosia, Cyprus

    8. "In Japanese, 'amakudari', literally descent from heaven, describes the phenomenon of being employed by a firm in an industry one has previously, as a government bureaucrat, been involved in regulating."
    Jack L. Yohay, Nabari, Mie-ken, Japan

    9. "My favourite is the Spanish for handcuffs...'esposas'...mi esposa means 'my wife'. So 'mi esposa, mis esposas' means 'my wife, my handcuffs'."
    Ben, Bristol, UK

    10. "In Arabic an electrical plug adapter that allows more than one plug to be plugged into the same socket is known as a 'harami', literally a thief."
    Brian, Jeddah

    11. "There are a few more interesting German words such as 'handschuhschneeballwerfer', which means somebody, who wears gloves to throw snow balls. It is used in general for all cowards."
    Bernie, Duesseldorf

    12. "In Romania 'pune-ti pofta-n cui' (literally - hang your craving in a nail on the wall) means to forget about getting something."
    Gabriel, Bucharest, Romania

    13. "In Japan we call a balding man's comb over a 'bar code'."
    Kevin, Tokyo

    14. "The Fuegians (from Tierra del Fuego) have a succinct word - 'mamihlapinatapai' and it means 'two people looking at each other each hoping the other will do what both desire but neither is willing to do'."
    Zephyrus, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

    15. "So far as I'm aware, no other language has anything equivalent to the Icelandic 'setja upp gestaspjot', a verbal phrase denoting the action taken by a cat when cleaning itself, with its body curled tightly in a circle and one back leg sticking directly up in the air. Literally it means 'put up a guest-spear' and when a cat was seen doing this it was supposed to indicate that visitors would be turning up."
    Nicholas Jones, Cambridge, England

    16. "I'm a student of the Ubykh language, which has a word - 'qaamch'ip'q'i' - that means 'a filigree metal ornament on the handle of a whip'. It's also an idiomatic term for someone whose good or kind outward appearance is deceptive."
    Rohan Fenwick, Brisbane, Australia

    17. "My favourite used to regularly appear on Austrian traffic reports - 'geisterfahrer' or 'ghost driver' - one travelling the wrong way up an autobahn."
    Eric Pritchard, Clevedon, UK

    18. "In Venezuela we have 'culebra', literally snake, but meaning a long, morbid, sentimental soap opera. 'My wife is watching the snake,' means that she is watching the soap opera."
    Ivan, Caracas, Venezuela

    19. "From Flemish: 'iets door de vingers kijken', literally it means looking at something through the fingers, allowing something illegal or incorrect to happen by conscious inaction."
    Wouter Vandersypen, Washington DC
  41. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    They were great! I have a book called "They have a word for it", which is full of words from different languages that express an idea for which there is no word in other languages, including discussions of each word. It's a really good book.

    [u:a9a10ab911]Here,[/u:a9a10ab911] I found it on Amazon.
  42. Smoking_GNU New Member

    These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the
    most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .

    Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
    but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

    I thought that I could love no other
    Until, that is, I met your brother

    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty and so is your head.

    Of loving beauty you float with grace
    If only you could hide your face

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
    This describes everything you are not

    I want to feel your sweet embrace
    But don't take that paper bag off of your face

    I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
    Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life

    I see your face when I am dreaming
    That's why I always wake up screaming

    My love you take my breath away
    What have you stepped in to smell this way

    My feelings for you no words can tell
    Except for maybe "go to hell"

    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

  43. Tephlon Active Member


    I feel a competition coming up!
  44. roisindubh211 New Member

  45. Marcia Executive Onion

    Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the goddamn bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

    And, once they figured it out, would they be able to find the light bulbs, even though they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past TEN YEARS! And if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME FUCKING SPOT!!


    I'm sorry. Did you ask a question?
  46. Pixel New Member

    Marcia, that is a classic piece of comedy writing - the whole build-up - instantly recognisable by any man who who has suffered the secondary effects of PMS* - capped by that punchline - great!

    *If secondary smoking is a major hazard to physical health, then secondary PMS must be considered as a major hazard to mental health - at least for us poor males who have to bear the brunt of it - there could be a new definition of love there - "A man who wants to be part of your life even when you are pre-menstrual" :)
  47. Saccharissa Stitcher

    Pixel, just change the goddamn light bulb as soon as it goes off and offer chocolate. Lots of chocolate. This ought to keep you safe.

    A General Practician, a Psychiatrist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist go out duck hunting.

    The GP spots something in the sky. "It looks like a duck, it flies like a duck, it is a duck" he says and shoots it down.

    The Psychiatrist spots something in the sky. "It looks like a duck, it doesn't [i:60c0752f3b]feel[/i:60c0752f3b] like a duck, ah well, I might as well shoot it down anyway" and shoots it down.

    The Surgeon spots something in the sky and immediately starts blasting at it. Then he walks over to the fallen bird, picks up it blood drenched remains, shows it to the Pathologist and asks "What the hell is that?"
  48. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    [quote:75494debfa="Pixel"]Marcia, that is a classic piece of comedy writing - the whole build-up - instantly recognisable by any man who who has suffered the secondary effects of PMS* - capped by that punchline - great!

    *If secondary smoking is a major hazard to physical health, then secondary PMS must be considered as a major hazard to mental health - at least for us poor males who have to bear the brunt of it - there could be a new definition of love there - "A man who wants to be part of your life even when you are pre-menstrual" :)[/quote:75494debfa]
    What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

    One's mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.
  49. Tephlon Active Member

    Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?
    Chick: Witherspoon?
    Woman: No! With her knife!

    From the "Overheard in New York"-site
  50. Smoking_GNU New Member

    Man Falls Asleep At Church...

    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
    local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
    husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
    embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
    I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
    motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
    good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
    this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
    ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
    Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
    your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
    Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
    Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
    notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
    motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
    husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
    him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
    goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
    and shove it up your ass!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.

  51. Pixel New Member

    [quote:fe90978af8="Buzzfloyd"][quote:fe90978af8="Pixel"]Marcia, that is a classic piece of comedy writing - the whole build-up - instantly recognisable by any man who who has suffered the secondary effects of PMS* - capped by that punchline - great!

    *If secondary smoking is a major hazard to physical health, then secondary PMS must be considered as a major hazard to mental health - at least for us poor males who have to bear the brunt of it - there could be a new definition of love there - "A man who wants to be part of your life even when you are pre-menstrual" :)[/quote:fe90978af8]
    What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

    One's mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.[/quote:fe90978af8]

    Buzzfloyd - you're lucky - if I had read this post about a second later the glass would have reached my lips and I would have had a mouthfull - the laughter explosion would have drowned my computer and I would have been forced to sue! :)
  52. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    :D It always made me laugh. All I can say is that Garner is a very forgiving and understanding man.
  53. redneck New Member

    May I be stupid and ask what PMT is? And would someone be nice and tell me?
  54. Tephlon Active Member

    Pre-Menstrual Tension.
  55. redneck New Member

    Aha. Now it's much more funny. Thanks Phlon.
  56. Bradthewonderllama New Member

    An Electrical, Mechanical, and civil engineer were sitting around the card table one night when the nature of God came up. Obviously, God was an engineer ,they all agreed, but of what sort?

    "Easy!", says the Mechanical, "Let us look at Man. Look at the joints and bones and muscles to move everything. God is a mechanical engineer!"

    "Bull!", says the Electrical, "You wouldn't move without the nervous systems, and the intricate electrical play between them. God is an electrical engineer!"

    "You're both wrong.", says the Civil, "God is a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste water pipe through a recreational zone!?"
  57. roisindubh211 New Member


    “Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

    Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
    Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
    Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
    Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
    Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
    Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
    Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    Then Simon Peter said,
    “Are we supposed to know this?”
    And Andrew said,
    “Do we have to write this down?”
    And James said,
    “Will we have a test on this?”
    And Phillip said,
    “I don’t have any paper.”
    And Bartholomew said,
    “Do we have to turn this in?”
    And John said,
    “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.”
    And Matthew said,
    “May I go to the boys’ room?”
    And Judas said,
    “What does this have to do with real life?”

    Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to se Jesus’s lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, “Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?”

    And Jesus wept.
  58. Smoking_GNU New Member

    [size=12:dfaca58f93]What do you say after canoodeling!!!![/size:dfaca58f93]

    I' m hungry, pass the pizza.

    Okay, let's do it again.

    Have you seen the TV remote?

    When are we getting married?

    Wasn't I fantastic?

    I need to wash the sheets.

    I liked it if you liked it.

    Perhaps I should untie you.

    Don't call me, I'll call you.

    Do you have a business card?

    Now let's do it again and again and again and again...

    What did you say your name was?
  59. sleepy_sarge New Member

  60. shadowgirl New Member

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

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