Things learned today...

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by mazekin, Dec 31, 2007.

  1. Hsing Moderator

    There, done... chocolate cupcakes now have their own thread.
  2. mazekin Member

    I hate people...yet again.
  3. Hsing Moderator

  4. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    NHS antenatal classes will not teach you anything you didn't already know if you are a person who actively self-educates. They are also likely to be full of morons.
  5. mazekin Member

    Because of certain people...ok, just one in particular. Because she was intolerably rude to me on the phone and I have an ingrained need to be nice and liked. All I was doing was adhering to new procedure and it's not my fault she hadn't read it yet and couldn't be bothered to and thinks she's god just because she's one of two people in our building who can do her job. Oh yeah, and the guy who just because he technically didn't get demoted but really did along with all the other people who used to do his job can't be bothered to learn how to use our system keeps emailing me with stupid questions which I have to answer because he is technically higher up than I am even though I don't have to report to him and he can be really shitty and make my life a living hell if I don't be nice and bow down to him every frickin' minute of every frickin' day...I will not rant on this board about work. I will not rant on this board about work. I will not rant on this board about work....grrrrrrrr
  6. Lyia New Member

    I hope your day was better today Maze.
    I learned that while I like coconut, I hate coconut flavored jellybeans.
  7. Hsing Moderator

    I learnt today that I cannot will my cat to come home. (She's missing again. Damn Houdini.)
  8. Ba Lord of the Pies

    Maz knows in her heart what the answer to those problems are.

    And when she admits it, Ba knows where to obtain quicklime and a shovel.
  9. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Yesterday, I learned that sometimes, when an error message says "Network cable unplugged", and you rant at the IT guys for 2 days about them not fixing the problem and you not being able to work, and then they finally come up, look under the desk and point out that the network cable is indeed unplugged, you feel like a bloody idiot.
  10. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Now you know why those IT guys suffer ALL those training courses to earn about £35k a year, Kat! :D
  11. Katcal I Aten't French !

    I already knew, I did marry one after all. And he too found it positively hilarious. Curses.
  12. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I have learned that if you move the box that sits next to the toaster, you should check to see if it nudged the toaster's dial, so that you don't nearly set your kitchen on fire.
  13. Katcal I Aten't French !

    I have learned that if you have just eaten a seriously unwise amount of very delicious fresh pineapple, you should not then attempt to eat an After Eight. The chemical mixture of pineapple, mint and dark chocolate does strange things to your tongue.
  14. mazekin Member

    Willing Manpower? Finally, someone who knows where to find quicklime! Eeeeexcellent....::rubs hands gleefully:: Ba, you wouldn't fancy a quick trip to Ireland would you?

    I know that feeling, but remember the following scenario that happens in every single company large enough to have an IT department:

    Disgruntled PC user: It's not working. It just freezes.
    IT: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
    DPCU: You mean what you told me to do twenty five minutes ago when I rang you the first time about this problem? Just before you told me you'd be down to me within five minutes?
    IT: Uuuuuh....

    My old favourite was to hit Alt Gr, Ctrl and an arrow key and change the orientation of the screen sideways or upside down and then watch as the IT guys clustered around the (usually willing) sufferer's PC, trying to work out how to set it right. To this day, they still do not know how...revenge is sweet...

    Marginally better. Although I did enjoy listening to an interesting argument between a botanist and a biologist yesterday about that Russian guy who had a tree growing in his lung. It continued today. So far, it's about 8 points to 7 against it actually happening. BN is in the lead but LT is curently composing her rebuttal. I love working for a scientific publishing company:smile: You get to hear the most interesting arguments between people who actually know what they are talking about.
    And we found out that the Dutch Ambassador is visiting our building next week. Jokes about Ferro Rocher have already started to fly around the place :D.
  15. mazekin Member

    I think I just killed a friends laptop while trying to remove malware...oops:eek:
  16. mazekin Member

    After 3 years, the light inside my car has decided to come on.
  17. Hsing Moderator

    *lol* Fiat Lux! (You don't drive a Fiat, do you? :redface:)
  18. mazekin Member

    Nope, Ford Fiesta, 1997 with a history of "Extreme Corrosion". Hoping to a car that was produced in this century soon...:D


    Learned today: After 7.5 years, work has finally blocked and the other old board. Bah! Humbug! Big brother is watching me...
  19. mazekin Member

    Chocolate does make almost everything better
  20. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Getting a couple of pricks in your mouth makes you feel all numb for ages afterwards...

    (dentist, anaesthesia, face half numb...)
  21. mazekin Member

    Thank you for clarifying:D:lol:
  22. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    I must check my otherwise empty wallet more often... Clearing out all the old business cards I've accumulated over the past few weeks I discovered £35 in fivers tucked between them. I must have been planning on doing a helluva lot of escaping. :shock:
  23. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I'm happy to clear out your wallet for you next time, Joc. Save you a job...
  24. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Too late... the Joculatrix has just given me another good reason as to why I owe her £30. Besides, I would only have spent it. :sad:
  25. Hsing Moderator

    I learnt today for sure, that my mom was wrong and I never had the fifth disease, or "slapcheeks", as a child.
    I look quite funny.
  26. mazekin Member

    When coming down one of those flat escelators with a trolley which is heavily laden, it is possible for it to get to the end, the front wheels to get jammed, throwing the back end up into the air, whereby it hits you square in the knee, making you unable to move due to the excruciating pain radiating from said joint, and some teenagers get stuck behind you, while the walkway keeps moving downwards, threatening to squeeze you in between the side of the escelator and the moving handrail where you then get really jammed half on half off a now well and truly stuck trolley which has magically managed to turn sideways.

    15 year old boys are a lot nicer than anybody gives them credit for and will physically pick up your trolley, belongings and you and carry them all out of harms way, sit with you until you feel you can stand again and help you to your car, put all the things from the trolley into the car and return the trolley. Without laughing at you once.

    Thank you boys.
  27. IgorMina New Member

    When attempting to dye your hair purple, you will end up, no matter how hard you try, dying your hands, your towl, your hairbrush, and most worryingly almost the entire bathroom purple too.
    Luckily it's not a permanent dye, so hopefully it'll go away eventually, but I'm still glad that none of my flatmates are here at the moment and I have time to really scrub everything clean again without causing too much alarm.. :) :redface:

    Mazekin, your story's really quite sweet, I hope that the knee's better now though. :)
  28. mazekin Member

    Oooh, I've done that with red and with the same results (although I managed to dye everything but my hair; my hair won't take the dye)

    Knee is now swollen and painful to move. Could have been worse though, I could have broken it!
  29. mazekin Member

    Differences between being a Sister, and being a Girlfriend:

    Mowing the lawn:

    If it is her house, Girlfriend will not be allowed within 10 feet of the lawnmower or the strimmer. Will be allowed to pick up a small trowel, but only if she promises to stick to weeding the borders.

    If they are sharing a house, Sister will be expected to take out machette and hack her way through the dense undergrowth until the six foot high weeds have been cut down until you can see the actual grass. Sister can then struggle with the lawnmower until it starts and compete with the spiders, various balls that have been thrown over the walls, and strimmer that doesn't actually work. Sister will also be expected to do all weeding, weed killing, planting, removing of plants, trying to remove ivy from the walls and fixing the broken bench. All while the Brother is sitting in the sitting room with a pair of sunglasses on claiming he has hayfever. Oh yeah, and he's also watching the Match.


    House Painting:

    If it is the Girlfriend's house, then she will only be expected to lift the smallest of paintbrushes to 'cut in' the corners and edges.

    If it is a house they are sharing, the Sister will be expected to do all the painting, including going up ladders on her own to paint the stairs and upstairs landing. Any drips or messes will be ridiculed and pointed out for years to come.



    If it is the Girlfriend's house, the Brother will rush to her home to clean it for her, because he knows she has had a hard day at work. He will even clean the toilet and shower and empty all the bins.

    If it is a house they are sharing, the Sister will be expected to do all the cleaning, including the gutters for approximately 5 years. This includes the toilet. No amount of begging cajoling or ordering will make him do it.


    Changing a tire:

    If it is the Girlfriend's car, the Brother will drive 45 kilometers to get to her house and change the tire.

    If it is the Sister and it is outside their house, he will let her do it by herself in the pouring rain because 'she needs to learn how'.


    Hanging a picture:

    Girlfriend will not be allowed touch the hammer. The Brother will patiently hold a picture up for 30 minutes while she decides the placement and he will carefully nudge the picture around until it is level

    Brother: 'What the hell is that? Why did you buy a picture? No, I won't hang it up! It's your bloody picture, you do it! I don't care that it's for the sitting room. You know I prefer the minimalist look! And get your own bloody hammer! You'll break it!". Brother will then stand at the door and watch as you struggle with the drill you had to borrow from your father because the Brother won't let you use his, and hang the picture. He will then complain that it is crooked, but not touch it. Brother will then take credit for both the purchase of the picture, and it's hanging. Especially if Girlfriend is in the room.


    Men showing unwanted interest in Female:

    Brother will growl at men making eyes at his Girlfriend

    Brother will threaten to break both legs of man making eyes at his Sister.



    Brother will make sure Girlfriend is ok if he is not in the house by phoning her repeatedly to make sure.

    Brother will make sure Sister has the sh*t scared out of her by making odd noises in the middle of the night, jumping out at her at every opportunity and suggesting they put on a 'Romantic Comedy' called 'Ammityville Horror House of Fun'*

    *Not an actual Rom Com.



    Brother will carry all of Girlfriend's bags leaving her with only her makeup bag to carry.

    Even though he knows she hurt her knee the week before and is still limping, the Brother will expect Sister to carry her own damn bag, and his.

    Chivalry amongst siblings is dead.
  30. DEATHOFRATS New Member

    I learnt that buses will not come, unless you are doing up your shoelaces and cannot get up quickly enough, and at this point the bus stop is entirely empty, so no-one else is there to stop it. And also that if you can get up quickly enough, the next bus will invariably say "not in service". And, over the next ten minutes, I learnt about the infrequency of buses in Bath, especcially when you had to be somewhere ten minutes ago. And also that Polish bus driver's linguistic skills are overrated. And that next time I'll walk.
  31. redneck New Member

    I found out that I live in a state of confusion. Permanently. I actually have a forwarding address here.
  32. DEATHOFRATS New Member

    Bike chains have oil on them. Hoodies are expensive. Try to keep them separate.
  33. redneck New Member

    I learned today that I have a crystal ball. Looked into it tonight and saw that I will have a headache. Damn crystal balls. Would rather it take me by surprise.
  34. randywine Member

    Hey Red, was that 'crystal ball' glass shaped, and filled with J.D.? :razz:

    I didn't learn this today, or even this year but:

    Why? Ochone!
    Why on earth do I sometimes find myself reading the comments made on You Tube (and occasionally IMDB).

    *Rant removed as it went on a bit...*

    *Sigh* Moving on...

    I also found out recently that sitting on the employers side of the table in an interview is harder (for me at least) than sitting on the candidates side. Any experienced web developers out there in central Scotland or the Glasgow Area?:sad:

    *Sigh* again...

  35. IgorMina New Member

    Today I learnt that when tidying up and packing, I will trip up in my laptop's power cable, causing the thing to come crashing to the ground.
    I also learnt that that keeping the laptop open when it's not in use is a bad idea, because when I do trip up in the power cable, the screen will open out as the computer falls, hit something hard and consequently break.

    Any ideas what to do about getting a new laptop? :(
  36. mazekin Member

    If you bring a 2 year old to the seaside for the first time, be prepared for him to be terrified of the following:
    The sound of the sea
    The sight of the sea
    Walls (high walls overlooking beach)

    It was a very short trip to the seaside. We were home by 10.30am.
  37. IgorMina New Member

    Learnt today:
    Minas should not be allowed to try their hands at baking. Not unless you want what promised to be tasty fairy cakes to inexplicably mutate into giant goo-monsters from hell and explode all over the inside of the oven.

    Not learnt today:
    Why this actually happened. :p
  38. mazekin Member

    After 28 years, I have worked out how to get my parents to buy me things like large kitchen appliances. I promise only to ever use it for good and when I have no money.
  39. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Is it errr... a new cauldron? :D
  40. mazekin Member

    How did you know!

    Nah, it was a fridge. I got a very cryptic phonecall from the Elders to get my butt to their house after work and when I turned up, dad was standing there with his car keys in one hand and mom had her credit card in her hand. The best thing about it is, it is now happening almost guilt-free. All I have to do now is mention the fact that something isn't working and that I have to get a new one, and presto-chango, I'm being dragged to the local appliance shop and they buy me a new one and they won't listen to me protest. Which makes the saleswoman laugh. Happened at Christmas with an oven, but I insisted on paying half. This time they wouldn't even let me do that!

    I think it has something to do with the fact that I paid to get the roof fixed without them knowing about it and insisting I was fine, I brought dad to watch Transformers during the week and refused to let him pay in or buy his own drinks. Good trade off I think; cinema ticket for a fridge. But like I said, I will use my powers only for good...I do find it kind of uncomfortable taking things like that from them, but they just keep saying they can afford it and I might as well take the money now when I can use it. It's getting to the point where I don't really want to tell them things in case they think I am playing them.
  41. Hsing Moderator

    So, today was a very hot, humid day.
    And I was wearing a normal summer top.

    I took our black cat to the vet because she is loosing abnormally much hair, and of course, when she was examined, I took her out of her basket and held her, then put her back in and carried her home. A few people seemed to give me odd looks on my walk home, but I thought it was because I was carrying a basket with an apathetic, large eyed micro cat.

    Of course hours later, I learnt that not only is it easy to fake an enormous amount of breast hair on a woman with the help of some sweat and a kitten, it is absolutely possible that she won't notice until much, much later.
  42. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    You should be okay unless you start developing an urge to climb tall buildings and swat aircraft from the sky :D
  43. Hsing Moderator

    My kitten does not provide enough hair for that! :lol: Nor enough ... whatever it takes to gorillify someone. But the urge to swat flies out of the air and sleep all day, maybe?
  44. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Learned today: It is quite difficult to make a dignified exit when one bum-cheek is sound asleep. Also, some people take up way more than their fair share of train seat, leaving you with a tiny sliver of space, and this causes one bum-cheek to fall asleep... Bastard.
  45. DEATHOFRATS New Member

    Learned today: librarians are not always happy to let you take out another book if you already have three overdue. Especially so if two of them have been overdue for nearly five months.
  46. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Try some persylology next time, Kat. Sit with your arms folded and gently start scratching your elbow a few times. After a few minutes move up and scratch your shoulders every few seconds . By the time you put your hand inside your jacket and give your stomach a good scratching the other person has suddenly decided to pay a visit to the loo at the other end of the train.
    (Don't forget to add a few squirming motions, it adds to the effect.) :D
  47. mazekin Member

    Don't forget to scratch at the hair too (if it's not been perfectly styled of course)

    I finally made edible soup!
  48. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Yay for Maz, next step, commis chef at Harga's House of Ribs??

    Damn, I also meant persykology. (Too late to edit now)
  49. mazekin Member

    A friend (or at least, what I thought was close) rang me and in the middle of an otherwise fine chat about the impending birth of my sister's baby, her own baby, G's baby and AM's baby, she told me that I shouldn't worry; I will find myself a husband, and have a child, and not to worry, I'm not too old (I'm 28!!!!!) to settle down and have a family. I'm just not to worry about it. Not at all! After all 'I know a girl who is 35 - and even though she's a bit of a bitch, she managed to find herself a guy to settle down with and have a baby'. SETTLE DOWN!!!!! And did she just call me a bitch in a round-about way?

    Did I ask her? No!
    Do I care? No!
    Am I happy that I have no one to answer to except my parents (don't ask), no one to have to explain to why I was at a friends house until 2 in the morning gossiping? Yes!
    Am I ready to kick her lilly white a** from here to Dublin and back? Yes! = :mad:

    Sorry, so the thing learned today is: I'm not to worry because someday, I might be able to snag me a man who is willing to put up with me and help me bear children! Whoopee.
  50. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    [IMG] Errr... I come in peace.

    I was going to make a post but to be honest Maz, you've scared the hell out of me.

    I'll come back later. [IMG]
  51. mazekin Member

    Sorry Joc. She just made me so mad...and feel like that because I'm single and 28, I'm an old maid. Even if it was just for a split second before my brain kicked in and shouted 'WTF?! Stop listening to her!'. If I'd said 'I'm looonley...I want a boooyfriend', then maybe, just maybe she would have been justified saying it. But it came out of the blue! Just because she's married with a baby she thinks everyone should be. Looking down her nose at me...condescending little witch...

    Aaaaand I'll stop ranting right!

    ...still want to punch her though...

    ...rather die childless and alone than turn into her....

  52. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    No need... She's sounds like she should be living in a byre with the rest of the livestock.
    Most of my friends kids, (now I'm showing my age), are in their middle to late 30's, still single and partying like there's going to be no tomorrow. Surely proof enough you don't have to follow the flock.

    If you go ahead with your plan, plant a kick for me too. :D
  53. redneck New Member

    I've learned that I can't party like there's no tomorrow anymore, because if I do I find I have succeeded and I wake in the day after tomorrow.
  54. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Congratulations Nate, you have passed the entry level Morris Man examination :D

    I learned today that although people like to have large currency notes in their wallets, they are a bugger to spend. I was paid for a job in Scottish £50's. Now I know that officially, they are not legal tender in England but they are still legal currency thanks to an agreement between the Bank of Scotland (owned by Lloyds) and the Bank of England.
    I tried four different shops to make a purchase of £140 and eventually had to go to a bank and change the damn things for English £20's. What is it with shop keepers that they won't even accept English £50's either. One shop assistant used a security pen, a UV light and the old 'hold it up to see if there is a watermark' trick and then told me she wasn't allowed to take anything bigger than a £20.
    Next time I hear a trader complaining about profit loss and reduced sales I'm going to get proper annoyed with them.
  55. mazekin Member

    No matter how much you want a baby to be born, it will come in its own time.
  56. Rincewind Number One Doorman

    Brick her in the face. It's the only thing to do. In the end, she'll thank you.
  57. mazekin Member

    Yeah, but then I won't be able to understand her...not a bad thing, really now I think about it. I think I will just deprive her of my company for a couple of months. That's a bad enough punishment:smile:
  58. mazekin Member

    It is very difficult to decide whether to 'unfriend' someone in Facebook if they are a friends husband...even if the friend is the woman I was giving out about below...and seeing everything he posts makes my eyes roll and want to go over to their house and smack him silly.

    Still haven't made up my mind yet...
  59. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Unfriending someone on facebook is just amazingly difficult to do, even people you haven't seen for years...
  60. mazekin Member

    But I have just learned that if you just hover over the right hand side of one of their posts you can 'hide' them and everything they have to say...thank god.

    I cannot shell a hard boiled egg without it turning into complete carnage.

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